An elderly
gentleman, in his mid-90s, very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking
suit, flower in his lapel, smelling of a good after shave, presenting a
well-looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
Seated at the bar
is an elderly looking lady.
The gentleman walks
over, sits alongside her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says,
“So tell me, do I come here often?”
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For his birthday, I got my son an alarm clock
that swears at him instead of beeping. He’s in for a rude awakening.
==========================
A little girl was
sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time
she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.
She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally, she spoke
up, “Grandpa, did God make you?”
“Yes, sweetheart,”
he answered, “God made me a long time ago.
“Grandpa, did God
make me too?
“Yes, indeed,
honey,” he said, “God made you just a little while ago.”
Feeling their
respective faces again, she observed, “God’s getting better at it, isn’t he?”
========================
My husband got stung by a bee on the
forehead.
He’s at the Emergency Room now, his face all swollen
and bruised; he almost died.
Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee
with my shovel.
========================
One day a little
girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She
suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out
in contrast to her brunette hair.
She looked at her
mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?”
Her mother replied,
“Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one
of my hairs turns white.”
The little girl
thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL
of grandma’s hairs are white?”
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I told my cat that I’m going to teach him to
speak English.
He looked at me and said, “Me? How.”
===========================
Fred came home from
University in tears.
“Mum, am I
adopted?”
“No of course not,”
replied his mother. “Why would you think such a thing?”
Fred showed her his
genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong
matches for a family who lived the other side of the city.
Perturbed, his
mother called her husband. “Honey, Fred has done a DNA test, and… and… I don’t
know how to say this… he may not be our son.”
“Well, obviously!”
he replied.
“What do you mean?”
“It was your idea
in the first place” her husband continued. “You remember, that first night in
hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry. On
and on. And you asked me to change him.”
“I picked a good
one I reckon. Ever so proud of Fred.”
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Elton John has
bought his pet rabbit a treadmill…….. It’s a little fit bunny.
===========================
Interviewer: How much milk do these cows
give?
Farmer: Which one? The black one or the brown
one?
Interviewer: The brown one.
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer: And the black one?
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer (naturally a bit flummoxed): I
see. What do you give them to eat?
Farmer: Which one? Black or brown?
Interviewer: Black.
Farmer: It eats grass.
Interviewer: And the other one?
Farmer: Grass.
Interviewer (now annoyed): Why do you keep
asking which one when the answers are the same?!
Farmer: Because the black one’s mine.
Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?
Farmer: It’s also mine.
===========================
My mum is a hoarder and refuses to throw out
her old magazine collection.
She has a lot of issues.
===========================
A Dachshund and a Labrador are walking
together when the former suddenly unloads on his friend.
“My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is
mean; my girlfriend ran away with a Pomeranian and I’m as jittery as a cat.”
“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?”
suggests the Labrador.
“I can’t. I’m not allowed on the couch.”
===========================