Time to share some smiles

 

An elderly gentleman, in his mid-90s, very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling of a good after shave, presenting a well-looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady.

The gentleman walks over, sits alongside her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, “So tell me, do I come here often?”

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For his birthday, I got my son an alarm clock that swears at him instead of beeping. He’s in for a rude awakening.

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A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime story.

From time to time she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally, she spoke up, “Grandpa, did God make you?”

“Yes, sweetheart,” he answered, “God made me a long time ago.

“Grandpa, did God make me too?  

“Yes, indeed, honey,” he said, “God made you just a little while ago.”

Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, “God’s getting better at it, isn’t he?”

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My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead.

He’s at the Emergency Room now, his face all swollen and bruised; he almost died.

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

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One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?”

Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”

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I told my cat that I’m going to teach him to speak English.

He looked at me and said, “Me? How.”

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Fred came home from University in tears.

“Mum, am I adopted?”

“No of course not,” replied his mother. “Why would you think such a thing?”

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city.

Perturbed, his mother called her husband. “Honey, Fred has done a DNA test, and… and… I don’t know how to say this… he may not be our son.”

“Well, obviously!” he replied.

“What do you mean?”

“It was your idea in the first place” her husband continued. “You remember, that first night in hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry. On and on. And you asked me to change him.”

“I picked a good one I reckon. Ever so proud of Fred.”

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Elton John has bought his pet rabbit a treadmill…….. It’s a little fit bunny.

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Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?

Farmer: Which one? The black one or the brown one?

Interviewer: The brown one.

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer: And the black one?

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer (naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?

Farmer: Which one? Black or brown?

Interviewer: Black.

Farmer: It eats grass.

Interviewer: And the other one?

Farmer: Grass.

Interviewer (now annoyed): Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!

Farmer: Because the black one’s mine.

Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?

Farmer: It’s also mine.

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My mum is a hoarder and refuses to throw out her old magazine collection.

She has a lot of issues.

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A Dachshund and a Labrador are walking together when the former suddenly unloads on his friend.

“My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean; my girlfriend ran away with a Pomeranian and I’m as jittery as a cat.”

“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the Labrador.

“I can’t. I’m not allowed on the couch.”

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