A Impromptu Séance

Something really unusual happened to me the other day. It was totally involuntary and I did not know it was going to happen.

I was visiting friends at a party and as we were all enjoying a chat and a few drinks and something to eat, the hostess suggested that we all sit down because she had a special surprise for us all. Apparently she had invited a clairvoyant that evening, who incidentally arrived a little late due to unforeseen circumstances. But that aside, we were asked to sit down and the clairvoyant woman, who wore glasses by the way to see more clearly, took the stage and started talking.

There was no question of sitting in a circle, holding hands with all lights out or anything like that. No this séance was different. We all sat there in cinema style and she started talking.

The clairvoyant woman said she was a medium; although she looked to be extra large to me. She droned on a bit about her ability at being a clairvoyant. If I could yawn with my mouth shut she would not have noticed that I was bored. I stifled a yawn and my eardrums popped out to exclude her words trying to come in.

She explained that a séance is in fact contacting the dead; a gift she had ever since her pet goldfish died because he could not swim underwater. That and the fact that she had dropped her electric hair dryer whilst plugged in into the fish tank. There was this massive spark and she saw the light ... then everything went dark when the power in the house cut off. When the electrician fixed the power cut she saw her goldfish floating on the surface of the water; fried but not battered.

She then told us she was going into a trance. Because of her accent I thought she said she was going to dance; which is rather an unusual way to conduct a séance I suppose.The man sitting beside me misheard her too and asked me if she was going to France. I told him that if she jumped into the Paris river she'd be in Seine!

She closed her eyes, (what's the use of the glasses, I thought), and swayed from left to right a little as she stood there. She then said,

"I am getting a message from the other side ..."

There were a few murmurs around the room.

"I can see him clearly ..." she continued, "he died only two weeks ago but he wants someone here to know that he is very happy. I can see him waggling his extremity and sniffing someone's privates!"

At this the whole room spontaneously and in unison went "Aaahhh !" in disbelief at what she had just said. But she continued unperturbed, "Rest assured, whoever you are, that your little dog is very happy in dog's heaven!

"Does anyone here have a dog, or had a dog, which died recently?"

A woman raised her hand and started sniffing a tear or two in her handkerchief. Her dog had just died and she was relieved that he was now OK and happy with his new lady doggie friend.

The clairvoyant then went on to relate how the dead dog was grateful for the happy life he had enjoyed with his owner when alive. How he liked to go for walks and loved the food which she served him every day. Such a pity though that she had neutered him now that he has found a girl-friend dog.

It was all general type of commentary which you would attribute to any dog regardless of who owned it; but this lady whilst weeping silently was so relieved to hear of the well-being of her dear departed pooch.

As the evening wore on, it transpired that this lady excelled at contacting dead animals from the other side. I was quite impressed, especially considering I have great difficulty communicating with my dog and cat who are alive and well; and here we have someone who can communicate with those who are as stiff as a wooden board.

The thought passed my mind, when I say to my dog, "Go to bed!" he looks at me with a stupid face as if to ask, "Who is Ted?" How could he possibly communicate with this fraud of a woman if he were dead?

Her next message from the beyond was, believe it or not, from a cow. She said that although her body was dead and had been enjoyed by many a Sunday roast, her spirit roamed freely in a beautiful meadow sun-bathed by a warm and cloudless sky.

Unsurprisingly, no one in the room owned up to having had a cow; perhaps there were no farmers there. The clairvoyant explained that sometimes she got messages even if there was no one in the audience for whom it was meant. A crossed telephone line, maybe!

She then moved to more familiar territory and said she received a message from a parrot. She could not make out what the message was, but it was a little repetitive!

She then mentioned a dearly departed goldfish. The message was that it was not having an epileptic fit but that it was out of water at the moment and gasping for breath because a sea gull had just picked him up from the river where it was swimming. The clairvoyant then stopped as she noticed one of the guests getting distressed; presumably the owner of the dead fish. The clairvoyant continued,

"Aha ... good news. The sea gull realised that she is in animal heaven so she dropped the goldfish back in the river."

Everybody applauded in delight, whilst I downed yet another whisky. I prefer my spirits to come in bottles and not speak to me through a mentally deranged woman.