Hospital Staff Meeting

May I have your attention please ... welcome to this month's hospital meeting.

I would like to start by welcoming two new members of staff who have joined our team recently.

First Dr Steven Tremblehand, a surgeon known far and wide as Shaking Stevens, or Zorro, because his incisions are usually Z shaped.

Also, we welcome a new anaesthetist, Dr Ivor Hammer, who perfected his profession as a blacksmith making horse shoes.

I would also like to take this opportunity, whilst discussing members of staff, to quash and deny any rumours that Doctor Walter Scar is an escaped convict. He has in fact served the whole of his sentence for impersonating a policeman, a priest, a lawyer, a pilot, a financial adviser and a qualified electrician.

The first item on the agenda which I have been asked to bring to your attention is the proper usage of gurneys and wheelchairs. These items are only to be used for transporting patients from one place to another. They are not suitable, nor is it professional, to use them for anything else. Like transporting a fish tank from one building to another involving pushing a gurney through six corridors, using three elevators, and wheeling the poor critters outdoors through the gardens in full view of a flock of seagulls. The fight that ensued between doctors and birds is not worthy of mention; so I shall not mention that three of our members of staff were hospitalised with what is believed to be bird flu!

Talking of unprofessional behaviour, I have to insist that wearing Halloween type costumes and standing by the bedside of patients whilst they recover from the anaesthetic after an operation should cease forthwith. The other day a patient had a second heart-attack when he woke up to find the devil standing by one side and an oversized pumpkin by the other.

Whilst we're on to patients' care, may I remind you for the millionth time that you do not give patients laxative and sleeping pills at the same time. Come on people, you are supposed to be doctors and you should know the effects of this.

Furthermore, it is just not acceptable to ask a patient to "put your finger here" so that you can knot the surgical thread on their stitches.

And yes ... I have to confirm that our pharmacist Dr Pillbox has been fired for "improving", as he explained it, and inventing a new formula of instant laxative. There are times when instancy is not of such importance in patient care and a good bedside manner. And it was unforgivable to test his new concoction on some nurses on a break in the canteen.

By bedside manner, Dr Lothario, I mean looking after the patients by their bedside and not in bed with them!

And could you all please not refer to your offices as the "Insulting Room"? Who changed all the door notices to "Insulting Room"? Can you please change them back to the original without delay.

And to make one thing absolutely clear, the difference between private patients and patients on the Free Government Health Scheme is a matter for Finance Department and not for you as medical practitioners. The treatment the patients get and the standard of care is the same. You are not allowed to be rude to those patients on the Government Scheme or to laugh at them.

The other day, Dr Gastro, who will remain nameless called a patient "fatty!"

I'll read from the notes sent by our legal department after interviewing the patient, Mrs Patty Lard.

"The Dr told me I was overweight. He said 'Don’t eat anything fatty.' ”

I asked him, “You mean sausages, bacon, cream … that sort of thing?”

He said, “No … don’t eat anything … fatty!”

Now I know that Dr Gastro meant well in giving his advice; but that pause after the words 'don't eat anything' was unfortunate and misconstrued.

And please ... please ... doctors; be honest with your patients. Whatever is wrong with them, be honest with your diagnosis. Last week I saw a nun crying her heart out in the waiting room. I approached her trying to console her and to find out what was the matter. She said that Dr Fibber had told her that she was pregnant. That was an awful thing for a nun to hear. I asked Dr Fibber whether he was sure she is actually pregnant. He said that she is not, but he has certainly cured her hiccups!

Also a male patient told Dr Fibber that he believed he had water on the knee. Dr Fibber told him he is not aiming straight!

Another patient told the psychiatrist that he was a kleptomaniac. The psychiatrist recommended he takes something for it. 

Finally, we all know that patients tend to be embarrassed wearing nothing else but those gowns open at the back revealing their assets to one and all. Suggesting that they wear the gowns back to front is not an acceptable solution!

Now ... who has stolen my pants? I am sure I was wearing them when I came into this meeting.