Far from the Maddening Crowd

Settle down now and pay attention to our English Literature lesson. You may have all heard of Thomas Hardy the Victorian English novelist and poet; well this has nothing to do with him.

What we will learn today is about a book entitled "Far from the Maddening Crowd", which is different from the book with a similar title by Hardy. It is my version of it. Much shorter and perhaps gets to the point quicker, saving you hours of reading and understanding. And some would say more entertaining.

So here goes ...

Once upon a time there was a rich upper class woman called Bath Sheila, who owned a lot of land in Victorian England. Her neighbour was a sad and lonely very rich fellow called Bill Deadwood, who, to be honest should have been pruned a long time ago. She also employed a faithful shepherd called Gaby Soak and then there was this ex-seaman called Captain Rank Coy. You get the picture already, three men and one beautiful rich woman. I got to the point much quicker than Thomas Hardy. Let's continue ...

Now, the most astute and knowledgeable amongst you would have noticed a similarity between these character names and the ones in Thomas Hardy's book; but there the similarities end. I have used similar names in case any of you may venture to read the original, lengthier and more boring version.

As it happens, these three men fancied Bath Sheila and they wanted to marry her. 

The rich and old Bill Deadwood promised to share his land and cattle with her so their combined assets would ensure they lived in relative wealth comparative to Victorian times and customs.

The ex-seaman Captain Rank Coy said that he longed to go back to sea and once married he would take her with him to voyages far and wide filled with adventure, danger and the prospect of sea-sickness every morning ... noon ... and night.

Whilst the faithful honest shepherd Gaby Soak offered her true love, loyalty, and genuine caring and affection all the days of her life.

Unfortunately the indecisive Bath Sheila could not make up her mind between wealth, seafaring adventure and honest true love; even though the obvious choice between these three men stared her in the face. She should have gone for the rich Bill Deadwood and lived in luxury whilst he toiled and scrimped to provide for her. 

What is it with some women? Why do they take so long to make an obvious right decision?

I tried honesty and true love once! Just like the hapless Gaby Soak, it did not work out for me either.

I asked my first girl friend whether she would marry me. I genuinely loved her more than pizza and apple pie combined. Instead of saying "Yes" and marry me; she asked me why. Being honest I said because I loved her cooking and I liked the way she tidied up the house. She left me shortly afterwards. Fat lot of good honesty did for me.

With my next girl friend I tried the more  traditional, (Victorian), way and told her I was going to have a talk with her father.

I then said to her dad, "I have come to ask you for your daughter's hand!"

He was not the brightest penny in the purse. He asked me, "What do you want her hand for?"

I said, "You misunderstand me, Sir. I meant I would like your daughter to have my name!"

"What nonsense," he replied, "it would be silly calling her Victor. What's wrong with the name she was christened with? Hortence is a good name, I'll have you know. My mother and grand-mother were called Hortence. we come down from a long line of Hortences!"

Obviously I was getting no where with him. So I tried the direct approach and said, "I would like to marry your daughter!"

Not being one to make any decisions in his household he said, "Have you seen her mother?"

I replied, "Yes ... but I still prefer to marry your daughter!"

When I told Hortence that I had her parents' permission to marry, she said I'd better marry them then ... and she too left me after that. So Victorian tradition did not work any better than honesty for me.

Anyway ... back to my version of Far from he Maddening Crowd.

The silly Bath Sheila turned down all three of her suitors and decided to indulge in kissing a number of toads in the hope of finding her Prince Charming. This only led to unhappiness and many visits to the health clinic.

And the moral of the story is, "Why look for a toad when there are plenty of fish in the sea!"

A mixed meaningless metaphor if ever I heard one.

NOTE: If there are any literary books which you have read at school and got you bored out of your mind; and you would prefer my shorter more entertaining version of it, please let me know. I'll do my best to re-write.