Don't make me laugh

 

A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

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A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.  He called them into his shop: 'I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer.'

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five-star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off!

About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop. 'And how did you like your holiday?' he asked eagerly.

'The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,' she said.

'I've come to thank you but, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?'

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A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

 At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

 As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick."

 The younger doctor said "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much for the Church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?"

"I did what you did at the last house.  I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the priest under the bed."

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 A man goes to the vet with his goldfish and says, "I think my goldfish has got epilepsy".
The vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
The man replies, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

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A woman was pregnant and she had to be taken to hospital for an emergency operation.

When she woke up from the operation she asked the doctor about her baby.

 
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They’re both fine. And, your brother named them for you.

 
Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He’s an idiot! What did he name the girl?
 

Doctor: Denise.
 

Woman: Ohh, that’s actually a nice name. What about the boy?
 

Doctor: Denephew.

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A young couple were on their honeymoon.

The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub, saying to himself, "How can I tell my wife that I have got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink?
I have managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she is bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?"

Meanwhile, the wife is sitting on the bed, saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I have got really bad breath? I have been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now, how do I tell him gently?

 
The husband finally gets enough courage to tell his wife and walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, slides to where his wife is sitting, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I have a confession to make."
 

And she says, "So have I, honey."
 

To which, he replies, "Don't tell me, you have eaten my socks."

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I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.

Got him a Bud...... he didn't like it – so I had it. Then I got him Coors, he didn't like it either, so I had it. Or a Miller Lite. It was the same with Guinness and Cider. 

By the time we got down to the whiskey I could hardly push the pram home.

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Once upon a time there was a priest who used a bicycle to go everywhere in his parish in order to save money and to save the planet. He even cycled all the way to another town when he had to see the bishop.

One day his bicycle was stolen. He rang the bishop to explain why he could not visit.

The bishop suggested that on Sunday he delivers a sermon on the Ten Commandments. "Read each Commandment in turn," he advised, "and then talk a little about each one. When you get to the seventh Commandment shout out loud THOU SHALT NOT STEAL, and then watch the congregation to see if anyone winces or shrinks in his seat, or looks down shamefully, or tries to leave. He is your thief"

The following week the priest cycled to the bishop. The bishop greeted him and said, "I see you got your bicycle back. Did you catch the thief?"

The priest replied, "actually, when I got to the sixth Commandment, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, I remembered where I left my bicycle!"

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