Reflections

 

Laxatives give you a good run for your money.

Wear glasses to math class, it improves divisions.

When I tried to grab the fog, I mist.

Before the crowbar was invented crows had to drink at home.

To some marriage is a word. To others it is a sentence.

Wisdom doesn't necessarily come with age. Sometimes age shows up all by itself. 

Some people are wise. Some are otherwise.

My relationship with whisky is on the rocks.

Kleptomaniacs always take thinks literally. 

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

It was a terrible summer for Humpty Dumpty, but he had a great fall.

When you teach a wolf to meditate he becomes aware wolf.

Santa goes down the chimney because it soots him.

There was a huge fight at the local seafood diner. Battered fish everywhere.

I sued the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case.

Where there's a will there's a relative.

Happiness is getting home and finding there's still a bit of cheese in the mousetrap.

Happiness is when your dentist says it won't hurt, then he cuts his hand on the drill.

Why can't they put a snooze button on smoke alarms?

Coffee is not everyone's cup of tea.

At the department store I tried to buy a pink negligee for my wife. I picked up one and I asked the saleslady, "Is this satin?" She replied, "no, it's brand new!"

I went to see the doctor about a personal problem. He asked me, "How's your libido?" I replied, "I've sold that Italian car. Now I have a Toyota!"