Good Health Advice

 

Every so often I am inclined to do some research and share my findings with you. How inclined I am depends on the number of whiskies I have had.

Today, I would like to share with you some good health advice and information. There's so much advice on the net these days on what to do about this and that; but how can you be so sure that it is all accurate, truthful and reliable? The answer is you really cannot. You take the information at face value and hope it is not fake or false. So you might as well take my advice. It's as truthful as anything else out there.

We start about headaches. They can start as small tiny headaches or develop into real migraines. Many people take various pills for headaches. But a natural remedy is to sit down, place your hand flat on a table, and then hit it hard with a mallet. The pain in your hand will soon make you forget your headache.

As summer approaches people think of going on holiday. But not all places are safe. Some places can be bad for your health, so beware. Take the North Pole for instance. If you travel to the North Pole and sit on a block of ice you will get polaroids. They will develop quickly out of nowhere and each one is different. They also take a long time to fade away.

Drinking tea or coffee can be hazardous too to your health. I used to get a sharp pain in my eye whenever I drank tea. I went to the doctor and he told me to take the spoon out of the cup first.

As we get older we are not as agile and quick on our feet as years gone by. My doctor gave me a bottle of vitamins to help build my strength. When I got home I was so weak I could not even open the bottle. I had to go back to the doctor and ask him to open it for me.

He told me to take a pill every other day; take one on Monday, skip Tuesday, take one on Wednesday, skip Thursday and so on.  It worked for a while but all that skipping made me fall flat on my face.

The doctor changed the prescription. He suggested I drink a pint of stout beer every day. That worked. I bought a large barrel of stout which I had installed in the kitchen. When it arrived it took two big men to carry it inside. Two weeks later and I can now carry the barrel all by myself.

But you should never rely on what the doctor tells you. When I went to see my doctor to test my sense of humour, I saw a nun come out of his insulting room crying her heart out.

I went in and asked him why the nun was crying so bitterly. He said he'd just told her she was pregnant.

"Is she really pregnant?" I asked.

"No," he replied, "but I have cured her hiccups!"

He then asked me to get on the couch. I asked him why, and he said he needed to vacuum clean where I was standing because his cleaner did not turn up for work. Apparently his cleaner did not turn up for work because her car broke down. She wanted to work from home but could not do so because the Zoom connection broke down also.

I found a pen on the floor and gave it to the doctor. "Is it yours?" I asked. He wrote a few notes in a pad and said, "Yes, definitely mine!"

"How are you so sure?" I asked him. He replied, "This is my handwriting!"

My friend went to the same doctor. He gave him some suppositories and advised, "Put one in your back passage before you go to bed, then come and see me after a week!"

My friend did not understand properly and every night he opened the back door and put a suppository on the kitchen window.  

After a week he went to the doctor who asked him if he felt any better. "Those suppositories are useless," he said, "I might as well have put them up my backside for all the good they did!" 

Also coincidentally, when I visited an old lady the other day I noticed she had a suppository in her ear. When I pointed it to her she said, "Oh dear ... I wonder where I put my hearing aid?"

The thing about good health though is an attitude of mind. One should not dwell and stress too much about it. A friend of mine is such a hypochondriac that he has arranged when he dies he'll be buried next to a doctor just in case.

Finally, remember that an apple a day keeps the doctor away; but garlic is more effective.

And more finally, don't forget that most doctors agree that breathing regularly is good for you.