Little Balls

I've never been good at sports ... any sports. Although I did once score an ace, (hole in one), at a golf course in Scotland. I don't know how it happened. I hit this little ball with the stick they gave me, it flew in the air and landed inside the hole some twenty yards away. It was one of those miniature golf courses you get in parks. It was somewhere near Edinburgh as I recall ... the golf course ... as well as the hole of course.

For a while I tried to take the game seriously and practised at home with a broom stick in the garden. I read lots of books about golf and joined a local club and spent a lot of time there discussing golf in the club-house over a drink or more. I even played a few rounds to improve my game; but sadly it all led to some marital problems.

My wife started complaining that I was not paying much attention to her. I was becoming obsessed with golf instead. Then one day it all came to a head ... I remember it well ... It was very strange. It was about 11:30 at night one Christmas Eve when we're supposed to be happy and festive and peaceful with good-will towards each other. Then suddenly my wife shouted, "Golf ... Golf ... Golf ... That's all you speak about. That's all you do. Golf ... Always golf!"

I tell you. It was out of the blue, and I was startled out of my life. I never expected to see her on the golf course at that time of night. I was practising quietly and there she was. Shouting at the top of her voice.

Why are some women so unreasonable? I missed my shot completely ...

Anyway, I've been watching golf on TV. Let's face it, it is not much of a spectator sport is it? Not as exciting as football, or wrestling, basketball, baseball and other sports. With golf you all stand there quietly, one man hits the ball with a stick, the ball flies in the air so high you can't see where it lands anyway ... some people use binoculars to look at the sky ... then everybody walks for miles trying to find the ball and start all over again.

Golf is almost as boring as English cricket where the game can last for days and nobody wins.

So I thought of some ideas on how we can improve the game of golf. I have written to our local golf club suggesting some new ideas and I am waiting for their response. It's been some six months since I wrote, but the postal service can be so slow these days. 

I suggested that one improvement would be to tie the players' legs with a metal ball and chain. This will slow them down as they walk to find the ball and get them tired quicker and miss their shots. Also, some may trip and fall on their face adding comedic effect to the whole process.

Also, at a crucial time in the game, whilst the player is concentrating you could release a pack of dogs on the field which would run everywhere distracting the player and probably run away with the ball. That would be fun.

Or how about releasing a wild bear, or lion, or tiger which would wrestle the player? It would be a tame animal of course, but the player is not to know that is he?

For additional fun ... you know when the player can see a flag in the distance and he hits the ball towards it, because that's where the hole is? Well ... how about placing the flag somewhere where there is no hole, in a bunker perhaps, or in the lake ... The player will aim for the flag and then either find just a green patch of land, or the bunker or water.

You can also train special birds of prey, like falcons or eagles, to fly out of nowhere and snatch the ball whilst it's up in the air. That would be really exciting and it would combine the boring game of golf with the beauty and skill of falconry.

For additional fun the birds could fly low and take the spectators' hats or wigs from their heads. 

I'm sure you can think of many other improvements to the game of golf. Why not write-in to your local sports centres to see what they think?