There is nothing like a laugh

 

A man comes to the entrance of Heaven and is told, "You haven't done anything good, but you haven't done anything bad either. If you can tell me of something amazing you have done, I will let you in."
The man replies, "Well, one time I was driving down the road and I saw some gang members threatening a young lady in an alleyway. I stopped and confronted them. I walked up to the biggest looking dude and slapped him and said, 'You need to leave this young lady alone, or I'm going to beat you and all your gang!'"
The man at the entrance to heaven asked him, "When did this happen?"
The guy replies, "About five minutes ago."

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Yesterday I gave my food to a beggar.........and today the beggar gave me a book titled "HOW TO COOK".

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I was at the hospital and I walked into a surgeon’s office “Can I help you?” He asked.
“I keep thinking that I’m a moth.” I replied.
“You probably want a Psychiatrist for that.”
“Yeah, I know.”
He looked confused. “Then why are you here?”
“The light was on.”

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There was a break in at the police station today and the toilet was stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

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A man is walking through the woods, and he finds a magic lamp on the ground. Instinctively, he picks the lamp up, rubs the side of it with his sleeve, and out pops a genie. The genie thanks the man for freeing him, and offers to grant him three wishes. The man is ecstatic and knows exactly what he wants.
“First,” says the man, “I want a billion dollars.”
The genie snaps his fingers and a briefcase full of money materializes out of thin air.
The man is wide eyed in amazement and continues, “Next, I want a Ferrari.”
The genie snaps his fingers and a Ferrari appears from a puff of smoke.
The man continues, “Finally, I want to be irresistible to women.”
The genie snaps his fingers and the man turns into a box of chocolates.

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At the library, I asked the librarian if they had any books on turtles "Hardback?" she inquired. "Yes" I said. "and little heads that go in and out."

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I received a thesaurus in the mail today, but when I opened it all the pages were blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.

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What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep? Roman Catholic.

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My wife has just phoned me to tell me that 3 women in her office have received flowers today and they are absolutely gorgeous. I said, "That's probably why !!" 

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A little boy was walking on the road eating a chocolate.  A man came over and said, "Son, eating chocolates is bad for your health."
The boy replied, "Do you know, my Grandpa lived to be 105 years old."
"By eating chocolates?" The man asked.

"No, by minding his own business." He replied.

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