Who knows your nose?

 

One thing's for sure. We all have different noses. But we don't notice them. Here they are whenever we meet someone, they have a nose and we miss it - under our very nose so to speak.

Big noses, small noses, pointy ones, long ones and short ones too, round red ones and all sorts of noses; and we hardly notice them. We turn our nose at them.

Here are some facts about noses:

• It is estimated that approximately 20,000 litres of air pass through the average adult’s nose every single day.
• People with turned-up noses like Miss Piggy could drown when it rains.
• There are 14 different types of noses; yet everyone can be nosey if they want to.
• Studying medicine you can specialise in noses. A friend of mine is a specialist in nostrils - just the left one. Ask him anything about the right nostril and he's totally ignorant.
• Noses are essential otherwise your spectacles would fall off.
• The nose will continue to grow as you age. While it will reach its main shape by the time you are 19, it will still lengthen and droop downwards more noticeably as time goes on. If you live long enough you'll look like an elephant. 
• The nose and sinuses produce mucus to protect the lungs from bacteria, viruses, and certain particles in the air.
• The nose produces nearly one whole litre of mucus each day – which you then swallow!
• A dwarf I know has been thrown out of a nudist camp because he could not keep his nose out of peoples' private business.

Antony and Cleopatra (and all that).

 

Please settle down and pay attention. Time for your history lesson. 

This time we will learn about the Romans and Ancient Egypt; and Antony and Cleopatra.

Cleopatra was a beautiful Queen or Pharaoe of Egypt who ruled until around 30 BC. At the time the Roman Empire was large and strong and was ruled by Julius Caesar. She got to meet him and after a few dinners and coffee they became great friends. Enough said.

After Julius Caesar was assassinated in 44 BC the Roman Empire was ruled by three triumvirates, which means three rulers. They were strong generals and leaders of the Romans called Mark Antony, Lepidus and Gaius Julius Caesar Octavianus the legal heir of Julius Caesar. 

Talking of heirs - there was also a bald ruler in Mesopotamia who was distressed that although he was very rich he had no children to inherit. 

One day he cried out loud "Why is it that despite my riches I have no heir?" 

Someone bought him a wig which inherited the whole kingdom after his death. 

Eventually, the people got fed up being ruled by a wig so they deposed him (or it) and were ruled by a ruler instead - that's a real ruler, not one made of plastic or wood used for measuring things. 

Back to Cleopatra and the three triumvirates - Mark Antony, Lepidus and Julius Caesar. They were rivals and jealous of each other. 

One day Caesar held a big party on his ship out at sea and had invited Mark Antony and Lepidus. As happens at parties, after a few vinos Mark Antony and Lepidus got rather drunk and no doubt started singing "O Sole Mio"; a well known Roman song at the time which was Number 1 in the POP music charts for weeks on end. 

This particular song had been made famous by a protégé of Julius Caesar, the singer Maximilius Tonsilitis the Fifth, also known as MTV.

Anyway, one of Caesar's helpers whispered in his ear: "Both of your rivals are drunk. If we were to throw them overboard by accident you'd be left to rule the Empire alone."

After cleaning his ear from the man's spit Caesar replied: "If you had done this without telling me, I would have rewarded you greatly afterwards. But now you told me, I cannot sanction such an act."

Which goes to show that opportunity spits in your ear every now and then; and if you fail to take it you just end up with the spit.

So from then on, Cleopatra sided with Mark Antony instead of the rightful heir Caesar.

Their first meeting was in Egypt when Cleopatra sailed down the Nile in her royal barge and Mark Antony was on the shore and was astounded by her great beauty. His knees trembled at the sight.

Antony's lieutenant Enobarbus, once described Cleopatra's charms by saying: "Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale her infinite variety. Other women cloy the appetites they feed, but she makes hungry where most she satisfies."

Which loosely translated means she's for ever young with no wrinkles except the one she sits on.

Historians believe that the reason Cleopatra had such smooth skin is because she bathed in asses milk. I tried doing the same to help my complexion but the supermarket did not have asses milk. They had buffalo milk, goat milk, chocolate and strawberry flavoured milk; but they'd just ran out of asses milk. Try bathing in chocolate milkshake and see what happens!

Well, as I said, Mark Antony felt his knees tremble at the sight of Cleopatra and invited her out for coffee. One  thing led to another and enough said about that too. They had smiles on their faces for ever after.

One day after a heavy defeat in battle, Mark Antony committed suicide.

Cleopatra was so distraught by it all that she put an asp to her breast. An asp ... not an ass or a donkey which is altogether a different creature too heavy to lift to one's breast.

An asp is another word for snake. Why did the snake not bite her hand and waited until he was at her breast? We'll never know. 

And sadly, that's how Cleopatra died.

Years later Shakespeare wrote a play about it all and then a film was made with Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor. 

Please let me know if you wish me to research and teach more history lessons here. What period interests you the most?

Silence in Court

 

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you've forgotten?

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Q: Where did the accident take place?

A: Approximately milepost 499.

Q: And where is milepost 499?

A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?

A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Q: Constable, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?

A: Yes.

Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?

A: Yes, sir.

Q: What did she say?

A: What disco am I at?

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?

A: Yes.

Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your counsellor?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK?

A: Ok.

Q: What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

NOTE: These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court."

The Priest and Prostitute

 

.

 

ISBN-10: 150106570X 

ISBN-13: 978-1501065705

 

Paperback KINDLE and Audio

 

AMAZON LINK HERE 

Are you clean or unclean?

 

He was going into a village when he was met by ten men suffering from a dreaded skin-disease. They stood at a distance and shouted, “Jesus! Master! Take pity on us!” Jesus saw them and said to them, “Go and let the priests examine you.” On the way they were made clean. When one of them saw that he was healed, he came back, praising God in a loud voice. He threw himself to the ground at Jesus’ feet and thanked him. The man was a Samaritan. Jesus said’ “There were ten men who were healed; where are the other nine? Why is this foreigner the only one who came back to give thanks to God?” And Jesus said to him, “Get up and go; your faith has made you well.” Luke 17: 11-19

Keeping our distance from people we are suspicious of is nothing new. In them days when Jesus walked this earth people with leprosy had to keep their distance from other people.  People used to throw stones at them to keep them at bay. Did you know that Jesus had every right to throw stones at the leper to stop him coming near? In those days it was the done thing. You threw stones to warn the leper not to come too near you.

Can you imagine how lepers felt? Cast out of society. Thrown out by their families. No where to live. No job. No friends. No food. And eventually death by starvation or worse.

One day they were perhaps successful at their job, a family man, raising children and looking forwards to the future. The next day, they contract this terrible illness and they are cast out of this world. Through no fault of their own.

In this story, Jesus heals ten lepers and only one comes back to say thank you.

Why? What about the other nine? Were they bad people, evil and selfish?

I'd like to think that they were so overcome with joy at being healed that they ran to their family to meet them and hug them and rejoin society once again. They were just absent-minded. So overcome with joy that they forgot to say thank you.

A bit like us really! How often do we forget to say thank you when someone does something nice to us? Does that mean we are evil? Selfish? Bad people? No... just absent-minded.

When is the last time you said thank you to God for all the things He has done for you and continues to do/ How about thanking Jesus too. Now there's a thought ...

"In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you." 1 Thessalonians 5:18

Patience

 

Lord give me patience and hurry up about it.

What is patience? It is not waiting for something. It is what we do whilst we are waiting for something. It is our behaviour whilst we have to wait. It is our state of mind during that period of waiting and expectation.

Do we fret? Do we worry? Do we pace up and down wondering what will happen next? Do we imagine all sorts of bad things happening? Do we wonder whether God is listening, caring, or whether He loves us at all? Has He forgotten us? Abandoned us in our hour of need?

Patience is a description of our behaviour. It is easy to say that our behaviour should be God-centered and that we should trust Him in everything. It's the sort of thing many Christians say when someone is in some difficulty.

I don't think this helps. When someone is starving you give him something to eat, you don't quote the Bible at him.

In the same way, when someone is hurting you should offer them practical help if you can; not tell them to trust in God. If practical help is not possible offer to pray for them and do so with all your heart.

We pray, and pray and pray and wait ... patiently. Do not rush God. Do not give Him deadlines or advice on what He should do.

You'd be surprised how many people there are who want to serve God in an advisory capacity.

Good patience is praying with confidence - whilst we wait.

As every parent knows, when children go on and on pestering for something or other, eventually, because we love them, we may well give way and answer their demands.

In fact, Jesus reminds us of this when He mentions the widow who kept pestering the judge day in day out until eventually he gave way and gave her what she wanted. (Luke Chapter 18). In this parable Jesus teaches us not to be discouraged and to continue praying to God our Father for our needs or that of others.

That is what patience should be. To pray in full confidence that God will look after us as a good parent cares for his children.

Do you need a marriage counsellor?

 

I volunteered as a translator at a local charity community centre. They also have volunteer lawyers, accountants, nurses and so on giving their free time to help. I am called in when someone does not know English well.

There was this French speaking couple, (I don't know where from). They were here on holiday, and they told their friend where they were staying, that they wanted a divorce. Their friend brought them to the centre to meet a Marriage Counsellor. As they spoke no English I was called in to translate.

After the introductions, the Counsellor started with the first question, "How many times a week do you have sex?"

"You can't ask them that," I told her instead of translating.

"Why not?" she replied looking at me sternly.

"For a start it is a personal question," I said, "and secondly, judging by the size of him, he would pulverise me!"

"It seems to me that you are afraid of the question," she said accusingly, "are you afraid of being intimate?"

"The only intimacy I am afraid of is his big fist against my face," I said, and not timidly either.

"So ..." she continued, "we have a couple here wanting to divorce. The first thing to find out is how close, how intimate, they are to each other. Do you consider you will ever divorce?" she asked me.

"No ... never ..." I replied emphatically.

"Why not?" she asked.

"Because I love my house," I said, "and the car too. Just bought it and would hate to lose it in a divorce"

"I think you and your wife need Marriage Guidance too," she advised, "my husband is also a Marriage Counsellor. Why don't we all four meet. Me and my husband and you and your wife?"

"I'd rather not," I replied more emphatically than before, "for a start it's too personal, and secondly our bed is too small for the four of us!"

In the meantime, the French speaking couple sat there silently. So I took the lead, and moving a touch backwards for security, I asked the huge man in French and in a French accent, "Monsieur ... do you love your wife?"

"Mais oui ... yes, very much so," he replied. 

I was taken aback. I then asked his wife, also in French and in a French accent, "Madame ... do you love your husband?"

"Mais oui ... yes, more than very much so," she replied looking at him.

I was surprised but could not go back any further because my chair was against the wall.

I then asked, "why then do you want to divorce?"

It transpired that it was cheaper. In their country, two single individuals pay less tax than a married couple. So it would be better if they were divorced and living, and loving, together.

I said, "but isn't your love for each other worth the extra tax you have to pay?"

She wiped a tear or two from her eyes. He suddenly got up, and before I could move, he kissed me on both cheeks and they then left.

"What's going on?" asked the Marriage Counsellor.

"They've decided to hire a room and go make love!" I said.

It's me again ...

 

Phone rings. Telephone-answering machine. Female voice.

 

Your call cannot be taken at the moment. Please leave your name and number after the tone. BEEEP ...

 

Helloo ... Victor ... Is that your answering machine with the woman operating it again? Is she always at home when you are away? How much do you pay her for this service?

 

This is your Aunt Elma ... That is A ... U ... N ... T ... Aunt ... and then Elma. Phoning from Glasgow. I am in town with your Uncle Jim ... That's J ... I ... M ... Say hello Jim ...

 

(Pause).

 

He just mumbled, your Uncle did ... 

 

Anyways ... we are in town just outside the Bank, the one in the corner. We are phoning you from the cell-phone you gave Uncle Jim ... you said it was a Smart Phone ... Not so smart really. Every time it rings your Uncle presses a button and takes a photo of his ear ...

 

We went into the Bank to get some money but there was a long line and just one cashier serving. We were in a hurry on account that I needed the toilet. 

 

So Jim suggested we use the machine outside the bank and take the money out of that. But first he spoke to the Security Guard and the nice man showed me where the staff toilets were; the ones for the employees. 

 

What a nice man ... young he was ... he looked like Tony Curtis with his head all shaved like he was in the film the King and I ...

 

Anyways ... we stood outside by the machine and I asked it for some money ... nothing happened. I asked again a bit louder but still nothing. Perhaps the woman inside the machine serving people went to the toilet. I saw a woman there in uniform ... it must have been her ...

 

Then Jim read on the screen we should insert a card ... at first we did not know which card. I looked in my bag and there are so many cards from the Social Services, from supermarkets and what have you ... eventually we found a card from this Bank ...

 

But we could not find the slot where to put the card ... we looked everywhere ... a long line was building up behind us in the street. Eventually the nice man behind us showed us where to put the card ... 

 

The machine asked for a Password ... What Password is that, Vic? Jim said he had a Password when in the Army for getting into the camp, but that was a long time ago.

 

The young man behind us said the Bank must have written to us with a Password. Eventually the whole line behind us moved to another machine ...

 

We put the card in the slot and typed any Password we could think of ... you know ... like the password for the computer when we switch it on, and all the other passwords various companies sent us that we never use ... like those 'TInternet companies which sell you things ... we never buy anything from this 'TInternet machine ...   

 

You'll never guess what happened? After the third Password the machine swallowed the card and it said on the screen "Transaction Terminated".

 

It was not terminated at all Victor ... on account that we did not get our money. Your Uncle Jim got very angry and started swearing at the machine and hitting it hard with his stick. You should have heard the language Vic ... The air was blue with swear words I had never heard of which he had learnt when in the military.

 

The Security Guard came out of the Bank ... the one who looks like Tony Curtis ... must be his son I reckon.

 

He recognised your Uncle and tried to calm him down. Eventually your Uncle stopped swearing ... he must have run out of swear words without repeating himself ...

 

The Security Guard said he'll go inside and try to get our card back for us. He'll probably go and find the lady working in the machine ... she's probably still in the toilet poor thing. She did look pale you know ... Maybe she ate something that disagreed with her, like a dodgy haggis.

 

Anyways ... I see the Security Guard coming to us now with our card ... we'll get our money from the cashier inside this time. I don't trust these machines ... do you? It must be cramped inside there for an assistant to sit all day and night ... Bye Vic!

A Micro Call

 

Phone rings. Telephone-answering machine. Female voice.

 

Your call cannot be taken at the moment. Please leave your name and number after the tone. BEEEP ...

 

Damn ... it's that stupid female machine again ... hello ... hello ... hello Vic. This is aunt Elma here ... I am phoning you from Glasgow ... I am leaving my name on your female answering-machine as you told me to ... it is ... E ... L ... M ... A ... aunt Elma.

 

I am ringing to thank you all for the lovely gift you sent us. It arrived a few days ago but we did not ring to thank you then for reasons which you will understand later on in this telephone call.

 

The package came in a big box delivered by a man in a van ... it was white I think ... the van. He said he worked for an Internet Shopping Website, whatever that is, and that you sent us this package.

 

Inside there was another box with a micro something oven written on it ... wait ... I'll ask Jim ...

 

(Pause)

 

Jim said it was a microwave oven. There was also a note saying it was a gift from you. 

 

There was also a big booklet with instructions to make the oven work ... It was written in many languages ... French ... Italian ... German ... Dutch I think ... and lots of other languages. It was a waste of time, Jim said, seeing we only speak English.

He sat down and read the book and soon fell asleep in front of the TV.

Why did you send us a micro something oven Vic? Our oven here works OK ... we've had it twenty years if not a day less. 

Anyways,  ... thank you ... we put the oven on top of the TV. There's a shelf there as you recall; we moved away all the pictures on the shelf ... good time too. I hated so much that photo of Uncle Ebeneezer with his stupid moustache, so your oven was a good reason to get rid of the photos and put the oven on the shelf.

We tried something simple on the oven for a start. We thought we would warm a cup of milk before going to bed. We put the cup on that round thing that goes round and round and your uncle Jim punched the password on the panel on the oven with all them numbers.

We could not find the password in the booklet ... in any language; but Jim must have got it right because the light came on and the plate inside started going round and round.

It was fun watching it ... better than the TV which had a boring program on at the time.

Anyways ... the micro thing kept going round and round. For quite some time and inside we saw the milk in the cup boiling over and pouring all over the place ... we did not know how to make it stop.

Then the milk started coming out of the oven door ... all over the shelf it was ... and it started dripping on the TV below. 

Luckily I managed to get Jim out of the armchair ... he suffers badly with his back and is not as fast as he used to be. Oh ... he used to be so agile and supple when young ... I did like that. But now he's as stiff as a dead body.

 

So he pulled the electric plug out of the socket and we spent the evening cleaning up the burnt milk everywhere.

 

But that's not the end of it ... Vic. I told Jim not to use the microbe oven ... told him to put it in the garage. Did he listen? Did he heck?

 

I was out the other day shopping at the shops ... the ones down the road. You know the ones? The shops where you stopped for a while for the lights to change so you could cross the road and the dog you were holding on a lead peed all over your leg. How funny that was. I laughed and laughed so much I wet myself too, I tell you. You surely remember the shops I mean. Where that rotund assistant Murgatroyd Haberdasher-Brown works. She sells knickers and hats. Just next door to the hairdressers Curl Up and Dye where Miss Blodry Ya-Hattoff cut your hair once totally bald and you were a tad upset. Just opposite the florists owned by those Dutch twin-sisters; Two Lips from Amsterdam. Next to Doctor Daya Beatty's practice ... 

 

Anyways ... I was at the shops and Jim tried to be helpful and did some washing. You know ... vests and underwear and other unmentionables. My pink satin underpants where not totally dry ... a bit damp he said ... so to dry them he thought he'd warm them up in the microbe oven.

 

He put in a password ... he said he can't remember what it was ... and kept a look out in case something went wrong. Well, it did again ... He said my satin undergarments suddenly lit up on fire inside the microbe oven and the flames got out and started spreading on the shelf above the TV. 

 

Jim was standing at the time, rather than sitting in the armchair ... good job too! He quickly threw the cup of tea on the microbe oven and there were sparks everywhere ... so he said. Nearly got the house on fire.

 

I came in just then thankfully ... I saw the smoke everywhere and I beat the oven and the shelf with my coat which I took off quickly. The fire went out. Could have burnt the house down if I did not come in on time.

 

Anyways ... I'm ringing to thank you for your gift Vic. We've put the microbe oven in the garage for you to collect next time you're in Glasgow.

Transient

Life is transient. It only lasts for a short time.

Yesterday I bought a tub of ice cream. It did not last long. It was transient.

Lots of things are transient. 

Your beautiful house for instance ... Transient. Sooner or later you'll move somewhere else, or you will pass on, and the house is yours no more.

Your car ... Transient. It will not last for ever.

Your clothes ... Transient. They will soon be out of fashion and you'll grow out of them - literally so.

Potatoes, carrots and beetroot ... Transient. They either get eaten or they rot away. 

I am sure you can think of other things that are transient. Write them down in the comments box below.

Some things are permanent. They last and stay for ever and ever. 

Can you think of any?

I'm off to buy a tub of ice cream - transient flavour! 

How may I help you?

Travel Agent Lady: Hello ... how may I help you?

Me: Oh hi ... I'd like to book a room in a good hotel in Aberdeen for about a week.

TAL: Certainly Sir, when will that be?

Me: Now, right now ...

TAL: You'd like a room starting today, Sir?

Me: No ... no ... I'd like to book the room right now.

TAL: I understand ... and when would you like to stay in Aberdeen?

Me: Next month ... the week starting the 12th. I'll be staying for the whole week.

TAL: Do you have a preference of hotel Sir?

Me: No ... I don't know Aberdeen that well. I want a good hotel, not just a bed and breakfast.

TAL: Yes Sir. I have one available which I am sure will be suitable. May I have your name and address please Sir? ... ... ... And a telephone number where we can contact you? ... ... ... Thank you Sir. Will you require a single or a double bed room?

Me: Oh double bed ... a large bed. And make sure there's a TV too.

TAL: Yes Sir ... all rooms have a TV, telephone, Internet access, as well as adjoining bathroom and several other facilities. I'll be sending you a hotel brochure Sir. Meanwhile, I need a name for the other guest staying with you, Sir. Will that be Mrs M...?

Me: No ... no ... my wife will not be with me.

TAL: So it's just you, Sir?

Me: No ... me and Maurice.

TAL: Maurice ... That's the other guest ... May I have Maurice's surname please Sir?

Me: Just Maurice ... he has no surname ... Just Maurice and I will be staying for a week.

TAL: I understand Sir ... That's a double room for a week commencing the 12th of next month for yourself and Maurice. Will there be anything else Sir?

Me: Eh ... yes ... does the hotel have room service? Can we order beakfast and other meals to be delivered to our room? We'd rather stay in the room most of the time.

TAL: Yes Sir. There will be a menue in your room and you can phone your order which will be delivered at any time day or night. Some guests prefer to have a meal at all hours, like two in the morning, for example. This hotel will deliver any meal you wish to your room at any time for you and Maurice to enjoy.

Me: That sounds great ... One more thing. Will they also deliver bones?

TAL: Bones, Sir?

Me: Yes... raw bones, for Maurice.

TAL: I don't understand Sir.

Me: Maurice prefers raw bones before his performance.

TAL: I still don't understand Sir.

Me: We're in Aberdeen for the sheep dog trials. You know ... like in the film Babe, the pig who wanted to be a sheep dog. Maurice is my sheep dog. We're coming incognito. We'll enter the trials in the last possible moment. That's why we'll stay in the hotel room for as long as possible. Maurice is a champion sheepdog, and any news of his entrance in the show will affect the betting odds, you see.

TAL: Yes Sir ... I see clearly now ... (deep breath) ... I understand.

MORE FUNNY STORIES HERE

AND HERE

 

Unequal Rewards in Heaven

 

The good thing about hopping from one Blog to another on the Internet is that I learn something new everyday - well almost!

The problem though, is to know whether what I have learnt is true, or just someone's opinion.

For example, I learnt the other day that when we get to Heaven our "rewards" will not be the same, but will be commensurate with how well we responded to God's grace when here on earth.

I'll admit this confused me somewhat. I never realised there were rewards as such in Heaven. I thought that once there that was reward enough; if reward is the right word to use in this context.

I doubt very much that if Heaven was a mansion with many rooms, some Saint or other would have the top penthouse apartment facing whatever one faces when looking out of Heaven's window, and I would have a dingy cupboard space somewhere deep in the bowels of said mansion.

Have any of you heard of the notion of unequal rewards in Heaven?

I understand this was at one time Catholic dogma originating from the Council of Florence many years ago.

I asked a priest about it. Here's what he wrote:

"The Council of Florence was in the 15th century. One of the most important principles in the study of theology, sacred scripture and church history (including the general councils) is that we always seek to understand them within the context of their own time. 

The visualisation of Heaven as some kind of an hierarchical body was very common in the middle ages, for the simple reason that the whole of society worked in that way. They had no concept of social mobility or equality as we would have these days, and it would’ve seemed unthinkable to them that people in Heaven would be as it were outside of their own social circle!

We almost certainly are not bound to believe that there is any kind of hierarchical or social structure in Heaven. What we are promised is that each and every one of us will have all that is necessary for our personal bliss."

So there you have it; it is no longer Catholic belief that there's a hierarchy in Heaven amongst those souls there.

But how about your Church and your beliefs?  

Have you ever heard about unequal rewards in Heaven?