Distant God

 

At prayer meeting the other day a newcomer, a middle aged man we’d never met before, said he was about to celebrate his 27th Wedding Anniversary. We all congratulated him.

He said like all marriages, his had its ups and downs, including arguments and silent treatments, but overall it was OK. For their 25th Anniversary he took his wife to Paris. He said the last two years were the happiest of his marriage.

“How will you celebrate your 27th?” he was asked.

“I’m returning to Paris to bring the wife back!”

Absence makes the heart grow fonder – they say. Or - out of sight out of mind.

It all depends on your point of view.

Sometimes, wrongly, we feel God has ignored us. He is not listening. Abandoned us even. So we give Him the silent treatment. Stop praying. Stop going to church. And eventually we may drift away. We become distant. Out of sight, and out of prayer, is out of mind too.

If only we stop and think. When we feel distanced from God it is only because we have moved away. He has not left us. He is always there. Ready to welcome us back in His arms with love and forgiveness.
 
I will be with you always, to the end of the age. Matthew 28:20.

Have you ever wondered?

 

Have you ever wondered at the many things around us in life which we take for granted without questioning why? Why are things done this way? Why not change them and make them better?

For example, why are socks sold in pairs? Why not sell them in packs of three? By doing so we would stand a better chance of picking up two socks the same colour from the drawer in the dark. Think of the maths. A drawer full of socks; you have a fifty/fifty chance (50%) of choosing two the same colour. But if they were sold in threes your odds would improve. Also, the manufacturers would sell 50% more socks.

And another thing. When they say dog food is now in an improved tastier recipe; who does the tasting? Humans or dogs? 

Why is toothpaste always sold in mint flavour? How about garlic flavour toothpaste? Or ketchup flavour?

And why there's always a few drops of ketchup which stick stubbornly at the end of the bottle? No matter how much I hit the bottle the last of the ketchup will not come out. Why is that? 

Have you noticed that washing up powders which you put in washing machines for your clothes always smell nice like spring-time, or flowery meadows, or mountain air, and other pleasing aromas reminiscent of pleasant freshness. Why not have washing powder that smells of the seaside? Dead fish and rotting sea weeds?

If there are so many stars out in space, how come it is always dark at night? 

If a tree falls in the forest and there is no one there to see it, does it remain upright?

Have you wondered what would happen if you put a bicycle in the fridge? I'll tell you; you can't shut the door.

How do you know that when you shut the fridge door the little light has gone out? What if it stays on all the time and you know nothing about it? All that wasted electricity used for nothing and contributing to global warming.

I believe that global warming and increases in temperatures are the result of candles. We light candles everywhere. In restaurants, in churches, at romantic dinners, on birthday cakes, and even in the bathrooms when we have a hot bath. Scented candles everywhere with various aromas like lavender, vanilla, lilac, sweet pea, lemon, lasagna, pizza, escargots, engine oil, trash centre recycling unit and so on. All these candles create extra heat and then we wonder why there's global warming and we blame the cows for creating so much methane when they break wind.

Why not redirect all that breaking wind towards wind turbines and make them go round faster? Has anyone ever thought of that as a solution? Cows are in fields, wind turbines are in fields - combine the two and you have an instant solution. Why do I have to point the obvious to so-called clever scientists?

What would happen do you think if scientists crossed a cow with a shark? Chances are they would not be able to milk it; but it would certainly not produce any methane. 

Did you know when a whale breaks wind it is so forceful that it propels it forwards 20 miles?

And did you know that one benefit of growing older is that your secrets are safe with your friends; because they can't remember them. 

The other day I was at the pub and an elderly woman came and sat beside me. She looked at me smiling and asked me whether she comes to this pub often.

And on that note, I'd better stop because I can't truly remember at which pub I was and whether it is prudent to meet her again. 

Memories and Nostalgia

 

Sitting here writing this Blog reminded me of my school days. Oh the memories ... Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. In the old days nostalgia was thinking lovingly about the past. These days it is thinking about the cell-phone you had three months ago.  

Anyway, back to my school days. I remembered our English teacher Percy Veer. That's what we called him because of his patience with us. He once told me, "Your grammar stinks!" I told my dad about it. He asked, "Which grandma? Because my Mom smells of lavender!" 

We also had an English Literature teacher. He was called William after his namesake William Shatner from Star Trek. His name was William Mozart.

Our music teacher had an appropriate name too; Johann Sebastian Shakespeare. He had an authentic antique violin made by Rembrandt. He brought it to school and it sounded awful. Just like a pregnant cat vomiting an elephant. He also claimed to have a painting by Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Stradivarius could not paint; and Rembrandt was very bad at making violins.

We had a teacher called Athena who taught us Greek Mythology. I was not good at this subject. It was my Achilles Heel. All I remember is a poem we made as kids:  

There once was a goddess called Aphrodite

Who wore a pink see-through nightie

And the closer you looked

It was clear you were hooked

By her curves which were certainly all-righty.

I hated sports at school. There was a boy called Harry Bean who ran very fast and won all the races. We called him Haricot Bean, or Runner Bean. 

I also hated woodwork. My teacher said I was only good at turning wood into saw dust.

I did not excel at anything. I had failure written all over me from that early age. The other kids did it with their Biro pens. 

One teacher predicted that I'll go down in history. Also math, geography, science and artwork. He was wrong. I did not attend the artwork exam because I was not well that day. My absence increased the overall class average score by 30%.

I always wanted to be on stage performing something. Our drama teacher said that when I sing I disturb wildlife for miles around. He suggested I just mime the words. Once I missed rehearsals and everyone thought the piano had been tuned. 

All in all, not much of a success from early on in my life. True, nostalgia is not always a fond thing.

Now I am thinking of KFC.

Card Trick

 

Let me teach you a card trick which I have filmed deliberately slowly so you can see how it is done.

Answered Prayers

 

I was praying the other day and God spoke to me.

He said, "There are over 8 billion people in the world and I seem to be spending 90% of my time dealing with your prayers!"

"Oh ..." I said, not knowing whether this was a good thing or whether He was perhaps hinting something. He soon made it clear.

"Lighten up!" He continued, "it's good that you pray for so many people but is it necessary every time to mention each one by name? I know who they are; I don't need to know their Zip Code!

"Why not group your people as appropriate? Like family, friends, acquaintances, colleagues, Blog readers and contributors, and so on? This way you'll save yourself and Me a lot of time?"

"But ..." I hesitated, "they all have so many different needs!"

"And don't you think I know that?" He asked.

I'll admit He had a point. I wanted to say, "Touché" but I thought it would be impertinent so I kept quiet.

"Praying for others is good and commendable," He said to encourage me, "prayers are the best gifts people can receive and give to each other. They show a generous spirit and that we love and care for each other. As Jesus taught. But let's not go over the top. You can pray for other people any time when they come to mind. You think of a person, or you meet someone, and you know they need me in their lives; then just say a few words silently. Nothing much, just a word or two. Without them knowing about it. I'll be listening and will act on your prayers in my way and in good time."

I suddenly realised that I had been distracted in my prayers. So I continued. "Where was I? ... Oh ... Aunt Edna, Uncle Barnabas, Aunt Philomena and Uncle Jehoshaphat and their children ... now what are their names?"

Saint Peter's Book

 

Saint Peter opened Heaven's Gates and let me into a side room with his name on the door. He pointed at a chair and then he sat at his desk. He looked much older than I expected, but then, he is over two thousand years old, I thought.  

He asked me my name, which he knew full well. "Just checking," he said, "I don't want to let just anyone in!"

He opened a big hard-covered book which he had on his desk. It was at least a million pages thick. I thought he'd check for my name in alphabetical order, but to my dismay he started at the first page.

"Is the whole of this book about me?" I asked in trepidation.

"Yes," he replied without looking up, "it records all the things that you have done wrong. The one with all the good things you did is much thinner and will only take seconds to read!"

"But, you're not going to read all the wrongdoings I did when I was young ... I was different then ... you're not going to read all that?" I said fearfully.

"Would you prefer we wait until they make it into a film?" he said, again without looking up, "and what a horrendous film it would make. It would be more than X rated by the censors, although we don't have censors over here. All things done in life, even those done in secret, will be revealed and judged accordingly for eternity!"

I felt a little hot under the collar.

"It's getting hot in here," I mumbled.

"Yes," he said, "that's the devil stoking up the furnaces. We get some of his heat. But it will get much cooler when we leave here ... for one of us!" he added ominously.

I was terrified out of my mind. I knew I was doomed. I must have cried a little because I could feel the tears trickling down my legs.

"Is it hot enough for you?" he asked.

I shook my head left and right gasping for breath. I woke up and looked at the clock on my bedside. The thermometer recorded 29*C (85*F). 

I spent the rest of the night remembering my sins and asking God for forgiveness.

You'd better do the same before Saint Peter reads your book.

English as she is spoke

 

We are forever inventing new catch phrases and meaningless sayings which are often repeated to the point of becoming inane nonsense.

I received an e-mail the other day which said: Hi, I am Wendy, your Carbon Neutral Living Customer Advisor.  

What does that mean and what has it to do with a company selling books?

I replied: Happy to hear it, Wendy. Every day I burn my toast to a cinder and cremate the roast when I put it in the oven. At least you are off-setting any carbon that I produce.

Her e-mail went on to say how her company has reduced their carbon footprint. What's all that about? Did they give everyone smaller shoes?

An Organisation I know has a Company slogan for their staff "Unlock Your Potential". Another nonsense. Why is peoples' potential locked in the first place? You employ people to work. If they are not giving it 100% you fire them. That's how it was in my time. You don't exhort people to unlock anything.

A similar slogan I heard is "move out of your comfort zone". What does this really mean? People in life hope to live it comfortably not to go out of their way to make it difficult. What good would it do me if I moved out of my comfort zone and sat on a cactus or porcupine; it will hardly do any good for my potential!

On TV the other day a Union leader talking about a dispute said they were going to have meaningful discussions with management. Implying that up to now they were talking nonsense and shouting Yabooo Hisss and sticking their tongues out at each other.

Other silly phrases often used are global warming, climate change, environmentally friendly, no pain no gain, you can be whatever you want to be, and so on. 

The last one in particular is false. These days of automation and mechanisation and AI many people will not reach their full potential no matter how hard they try. When I was young my parents used to say, you can be whatever you want to be. I wanted to be a bicycle. That didn't happen!

The Age Gap

 

The age gap between the generations these days seems to be wider than ever before. When we were young there were two types of people - the young and the old. And to a great extent there was some kind of respect, or reverence, from one to the other. The old were revered and sometimes admired for what they had gone through in life; and the young were seen as the new hope and promise of better days to come.

I remember as a 21 years old an older person saying, "I feel sorry for you. Look what we've left you. Nuclear weapons everywhere, nations who hate each other, and the potential of world annihilation. I hope you do a good job at surviving."

Well, somehow we survived. But what have we got now? Some say the world is a better place, others would disagree; but that's not what we're discussing here.

We have a situation where there are many age gaps amongst us. Those in their teens and early twenties view anyone in their thirties and forties as old. And those in their thirties and forties see anyone over sixty as old; whereas anyone over seventy is truly ancient and belonging to the Jurassic Period.

In the Western world at least, the old are tolerated and sometimes envied because of their relative wealth compared to the youngsters of today struggling to find a job and make ends meet. 

In some cases the old are despised and blamed for the state of the world today. Whether environmentally, economically, politically or in any other way; it is always the fault of the "old" it seems for the state of the world.

And from the elderlies' point of view, do they always see the future generation with hope? Do they see them making a better job than we have? Perhaps not always so.

From my point of view, I acknowledge that the younger generation has it more difficult than we have had. 

For the first time ever in history it seems that the young of today, as a generation, will not grow up wealthier than their parents. 

Competition is much fiercer these days, not just amongst nations but also with technology, computerisation, automation and AI there will simply be less work to go around for a growing world population. 

You can see signs in your towns with many supermarkets introducing self-service check-outs for you to scan and pay for your own shopping, and many factories using less manpower as they introduce robots which do not take a tea break or sick absence and vacations. I'm sure you can think of similar examples.

But it is not in the socio-economic field that I am concerned. 

It is instead because perhaps for the first time ever we have a growing number of people, (again, in the Western world at least), who have distanced themselves from their Maker. 

Belief in God is waning. In some cases it is mocked and derided; and replaced by a new deity referred to as "The Universe" or "Nature" or such vague terms reminiscent of a time when people worshipped planets, mountains and volcanoes in search for some "thing" they believed controlled their destiny.

Yet, in my concerns, I have hope. Perhaps not so much in the next generation, but in an Almighty God, Who will help them and encourage them to grow and flourish, as He did us when we were their age.    

That man who was sorry for me when I was 21 had not counted on God being there to protect me and my contemporaries. 

That very same God is still here. Unchanging, loving and caring for every one of His creations. 

No matter what happens in future, He will be by their side to guide them ... if they let Him.

Feelings and moods

 

We are all susceptible to feelings and moods; like love, anger, melancholy, humour and so on.

For instance, I sometimes wake up grumpy. At other times I just leave her to sleep and go downstairs and make a cup of tea. 

I often take my wife morning tea in my pyjamas. But is she grateful? No, she says she'd rather have it in a cup.

Honestly, I love being married. It's great to find the person I can annoy for the rest of my life. She is family. I also love my family. If it was not for my family I'd be arguing with perfect strangers.

I want my children to have all the things I could not afford at their age. Then I'll move in with them. 

Before I got married I used to sell furniture. It was my own furniture. I've always been poor. Even as a child my parents were very poor. So poor that we used to tie a dead hedgehog to a stick and use it as a toilet brush. We could not afford the things people take for granted these days. I used to lie in my bed and look up to the sky and think, "I hope one day to afford mending the roof!" I often dreamt of winning the lottery. Incidentally, how come you never see a headline like, "Psychic wins the lottery"?

My friend is very rich. I'll admit that I envy him. He has two swimming pools in his garden. He keeps one empty for people who cannot swim. I don't envy or covet his wife. I certainly would not want to meet her in a dark alley at night. She is very thin, with a white pale skin, and long black hair all over her back. None on her head; just down her back. 

Sometimes in my moods I ask myself a lot of questions; but never find the answers. For example, do aliens from outer space have tattoos? Do they wear glasses, or have beards, or earrings and piercings like we humans do? Do they like Italian food, or Greek, French or Chinese?

How do they communicate with us? Do they have a translator App which translate their language to English? What if they land in Spain or some other country?

Why do we have so many Apps these days? Our grandparents got on well without them. They had books and libraries instead. Now there's an App for everything. An App for this and an App for that, how to open a can of beans, how to wash behind your ears or fart in a bottle. What's wrong with society these days who cannot live without an App telling them how to do it?

There's even an App that corrects my spelling and grammar when I type on this computer of mine; even though sometimes I want to deliberately write something wrong to make a point.  

I just read in the papers that the man who invented "Autocorrect" has just died. May he restaurant in peace!

Here's a song about feelings to make you feel better. 

 

The soup waved at me

 

I was in Paris, sitting at one of those open-air restaurants. You know the ones, tables on the side-walks or a pedestrianised area and everyone eating outdoors.

I was enjoying a French onions soup. It started to rain. It took me ages to finish my meal as it kept replenishing.

On another occasion I was enjoying a pea soup. Suddenly it waved at me. There on the green surface I could see someone waving. It was also shouting in a tiny voice, "Heeelp ... Heeelp ..."

I looked closer into the pea. It was a tiny fly drowning. I had to act quick. I had few options.

I could ignore it and carry on eating.

I could try to fish it out with my spoon; but then it would be drowning in the spoon instead of the plate.

Or I could throw in an umbrella in case it started to rain.

I decided to call the waiter. I pointed at the fly and said in my best French, "Le mouche!"

He looked own and corrected me, "Non Monsieur ... la Mouche"

"By Jove," I said, "you have marvellous eyesight to be able to tell what sex it is!"

And now you can download my book THE SOUP WAVED AT ME FREE ... yes FREE ... from HERE  

 

Happiness

 

Happiness is a transitory state of being or of feeling. No one can be happy all the time. Happiness is also dependent upon one's circumstances at a particular point in time; and it is comparative between one person and another. What is happiness to someone may not be happiness to someone else.

To me, happiness is getting home of an evening and finding a piece of cheese in the mousetrap. It is happiness on two counts: first it tells me I have no mice in the house, and second it tells me I have something for supper.

True happiness consists not in the multitude of friends but in their worth and choice. I hope you consider me as your friend. If so, can I borrow your lawnmower?

People try to find happiness in many ways; by pursuing wealth, fame, power, influence, possessions, food and drink. 

When we consume drink, especially spiritual drink like whisky, vodka, wine and beer and the like, it goes down our asparagus and into our stomach where it is dispersed into the blood streams and makes us happy. But not always. In some people it makes them sad, or sick, or even violent; and in others it makes them vomit ... over someone's wedding dress; which at the time I thought it was funny and it made me laugh.

Laughter can be a sign of happiness. It is a feeling that originates from the stomach and rises up the asparagus and comes out of the mouth as a loud noise. If it comes out from anywhere else you're in real trouble.

Laughter is good for us. It releases dolphins into our blood streams which tickle us from the inside and makes us feel happy.

Laughter and happiness are related in some respects. Happy people often laugh. Making people laugh, however, does not always mean people are happy. They may be hiding their sadness through laughter.

Whatever your reason for laughter make sure it declares itself from the right orifice.

FATHER FRANCIS MAPLE

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