It's me again ...

 

Phone rings. Telephone-answering machine. Female voice.

 

Your call cannot be taken at the moment. Please leave your name and number after the tone. BEEEP ...

 

Helloo ... Victor ... Is that your answering machine with the woman operating it again? Is she always at home when you are away? How much do you pay her for this service?

 

This is your Aunt Elma ... That is A ... U ... N ... T ... Aunt ... and then Elma. Phoning from Glasgow. I am in town with your Uncle Jim ... That's J ... I ... M ... Say hello Jim ...

 

(Pause).

 

He just mumbled, your Uncle did ... 

 

Anyways ... we are in town just outside the Bank, the one in the corner. We are phoning you from the cell-phone you gave Uncle Jim ... you said it was a Smart Phone ... Not so smart really. Every time it rings your Uncle presses a button and takes a photo of his ear ...

 

We went into the Bank to get some money but there was a long line and just one cashier serving. We were in a hurry on account that I needed the toilet. 

 

So Jim suggested we use the machine outside the bank and take the money out of that. But first he spoke to the Security Guard and the nice man showed me where the staff toilets were; the ones for the employees. 

 

What a nice man ... young he was ... he looked like Tony Curtis with his head all shaved like he was in the film the King and I ...

 

Anyways ... we stood outside by the machine and I asked it for some money ... nothing happened. I asked again a bit louder but still nothing. Perhaps the woman inside the machine serving people went to the toilet. I saw a woman there in uniform ... it must have been her ...

 

Then Jim read on the screen we should insert a card ... at first we did not know which card. I looked in my bag and there are so many cards from the Social Services, from supermarkets and what have you ... eventually we found a card from this Bank ...

 

But we could not find the slot where to put the card ... we looked everywhere ... a long line was building up behind us in the street. Eventually the nice man behind us showed us where to put the card ... 

 

The machine asked for a Password ... What Password is that, Vic? Jim said he had a Password when in the Army for getting into the camp, but that was a long time ago.

 

The young man behind us said the Bank must have written to us with a Password. Eventually the whole line behind us moved to another machine ...

 

We put the card in the slot and typed any Password we could think of ... you know ... like the password for the computer when we switch it on, and all the other passwords various companies sent us that we never use ... like those 'TInternet companies which sell you things ... we never buy anything from this 'TInternet machine ...   

 

You'll never guess what happened? After the third Password the machine swallowed the card and it said on the screen "Transaction Terminated".

 

It was not terminated at all Victor ... on account that we did not get our money. Your Uncle Jim got very angry and started swearing at the machine and hitting it hard with his stick. You should have heard the language Vic ... The air was blue with swear words I had never heard of which he had learnt when in the military.

 

The Security Guard came out of the Bank ... the one who looks like Tony Curtis ... must be his son I reckon.

 

He recognised your Uncle and tried to calm him down. Eventually your Uncle stopped swearing ... he must have run out of swear words without repeating himself ...

 

The Security Guard said he'll go inside and try to get our card back for us. He'll probably go and find the lady working in the machine ... she's probably still in the toilet poor thing. She did look pale you know ... Maybe she ate something that disagreed with her, like a dodgy haggis.

 

Anyways ... I see the Security Guard coming to us now with our card ... we'll get our money from the cashier inside this time. I don't trust these machines ... do you? It must be cramped inside there for an assistant to sit all day and night ... Bye Vic!

A Micro Call

 

Phone rings. Telephone-answering machine. Female voice.

 

Your call cannot be taken at the moment. Please leave your name and number after the tone. BEEEP ...

 

Damn ... it's that stupid female machine again ... hello ... hello ... hello Vic. This is aunt Elma here ... I am phoning you from Glasgow ... I am leaving my name on your female answering-machine as you told me to ... it is ... E ... L ... M ... A ... aunt Elma.

 

I am ringing to thank you all for the lovely gift you sent us. It arrived a few days ago but we did not ring to thank you then for reasons which you will understand later on in this telephone call.

 

The package came in a big box delivered by a man in a van ... it was white I think ... the van. He said he worked for an Internet Shopping Website, whatever that is, and that you sent us this package.

 

Inside there was another box with a micro something oven written on it ... wait ... I'll ask Jim ...

 

(Pause)

 

Jim said it was a microwave oven. There was also a note saying it was a gift from you. 

 

There was also a big booklet with instructions to make the oven work ... It was written in many languages ... French ... Italian ... German ... Dutch I think ... and lots of other languages. It was a waste of time, Jim said, seeing we only speak English.

He sat down and read the book and soon fell asleep in front of the TV.

Why did you send us a micro something oven Vic? Our oven here works OK ... we've had it twenty years if not a day less. 

Anyways,  ... thank you ... we put the oven on top of the TV. There's a shelf there as you recall; we moved away all the pictures on the shelf ... good time too. I hated so much that photo of Uncle Ebeneezer with his stupid moustache, so your oven was a good reason to get rid of the photos and put the oven on the shelf.

We tried something simple on the oven for a start. We thought we would warm a cup of milk before going to bed. We put the cup on that round thing that goes round and round and your uncle Jim punched the password on the panel on the oven with all them numbers.

We could not find the password in the booklet ... in any language; but Jim must have got it right because the light came on and the plate inside started going round and round.

It was fun watching it ... better than the TV which had a boring program on at the time.

Anyways ... the micro thing kept going round and round. For quite some time and inside we saw the milk in the cup boiling over and pouring all over the place ... we did not know how to make it stop.

Then the milk started coming out of the oven door ... all over the shelf it was ... and it started dripping on the TV below. 

Luckily I managed to get Jim out of the armchair ... he suffers badly with his back and is not as fast as he used to be. Oh ... he used to be so agile and supple when young ... I did like that. But now he's as stiff as a dead body.

 

So he pulled the electric plug out of the socket and we spent the evening cleaning up the burnt milk everywhere.

 

But that's not the end of it ... Vic. I told Jim not to use the microbe oven ... told him to put it in the garage. Did he listen? Did he heck?

 

I was out the other day shopping at the shops ... the ones down the road. You know the ones? The shops where you stopped for a while for the lights to change so you could cross the road and the dog you were holding on a lead peed all over your leg. How funny that was. I laughed and laughed so much I wet myself too, I tell you. You surely remember the shops I mean. Where that rotund assistant Murgatroyd Haberdasher-Brown works. She sells knickers and hats. Just next door to the hairdressers Curl Up and Dye where Miss Blodry Ya-Hattoff cut your hair once totally bald and you were a tad upset. Just opposite the florists owned by those Dutch twin-sisters; Two Lips from Amsterdam. Next to Doctor Daya Beatty's practice ... 

 

Anyways ... I was at the shops and Jim tried to be helpful and did some washing. You know ... vests and underwear and other unmentionables. My pink satin underpants where not totally dry ... a bit damp he said ... so to dry them he thought he'd warm them up in the microbe oven.

 

He put in a password ... he said he can't remember what it was ... and kept a look out in case something went wrong. Well, it did again ... He said my satin undergarments suddenly lit up on fire inside the microbe oven and the flames got out and started spreading on the shelf above the TV. 

 

Jim was standing at the time, rather than sitting in the armchair ... good job too! He quickly threw the cup of tea on the microbe oven and there were sparks everywhere ... so he said. Nearly got the house on fire.

 

I came in just then thankfully ... I saw the smoke everywhere and I beat the oven and the shelf with my coat which I took off quickly. The fire went out. Could have burnt the house down if I did not come in on time.

 

Anyways ... I'm ringing to thank you for your gift Vic. We've put the microbe oven in the garage for you to collect next time you're in Glasgow.

Transient

Life is transient. It only lasts for a short time.

Yesterday I bought a tub of ice cream. It did not last long. It was transient.

Lots of things are transient. 

Your beautiful house for instance ... Transient. Sooner or later you'll move somewhere else, or you will pass on, and the house is yours no more.

Your car ... Transient. It will not last for ever.

Your clothes ... Transient. They will soon be out of fashion and you'll grow out of them - literally so.

Potatoes, carrots and beetroot ... Transient. They either get eaten or they rot away. 

I am sure you can think of other things that are transient. Write them down in the comments box below.

Some things are permanent. They last and stay for ever and ever. 

Can you think of any?

I'm off to buy a tub of ice cream - transient flavour! 

How may I help you?

Travel Agent Lady: Hello ... how may I help you?

Me: Oh hi ... I'd like to book a room in a good hotel in Aberdeen for about a week.

TAL: Certainly Sir, when will that be?

Me: Now, right now ...

TAL: You'd like a room starting today, Sir?

Me: No ... no ... I'd like to book the room right now.

TAL: I understand ... and when would you like to stay in Aberdeen?

Me: Next month ... the week starting the 12th. I'll be staying for the whole week.

TAL: Do you have a preference of hotel Sir?

Me: No ... I don't know Aberdeen that well. I want a good hotel, not just a bed and breakfast.

TAL: Yes Sir. I have one available which I am sure will be suitable. May I have your name and address please Sir? ... ... ... And a telephone number where we can contact you? ... ... ... Thank you Sir. Will you require a single or a double bed room?

Me: Oh double bed ... a large bed. And make sure there's a TV too.

TAL: Yes Sir ... all rooms have a TV, telephone, Internet access, as well as adjoining bathroom and several other facilities. I'll be sending you a hotel brochure Sir. Meanwhile, I need a name for the other guest staying with you, Sir. Will that be Mrs M...?

Me: No ... no ... my wife will not be with me.

TAL: So it's just you, Sir?

Me: No ... me and Maurice.

TAL: Maurice ... That's the other guest ... May I have Maurice's surname please Sir?

Me: Just Maurice ... he has no surname ... Just Maurice and I will be staying for a week.

TAL: I understand Sir ... That's a double room for a week commencing the 12th of next month for yourself and Maurice. Will there be anything else Sir?

Me: Eh ... yes ... does the hotel have room service? Can we order beakfast and other meals to be delivered to our room? We'd rather stay in the room most of the time.

TAL: Yes Sir. There will be a menue in your room and you can phone your order which will be delivered at any time day or night. Some guests prefer to have a meal at all hours, like two in the morning, for example. This hotel will deliver any meal you wish to your room at any time for you and Maurice to enjoy.

Me: That sounds great ... One more thing. Will they also deliver bones?

TAL: Bones, Sir?

Me: Yes... raw bones, for Maurice.

TAL: I don't understand Sir.

Me: Maurice prefers raw bones before his performance.

TAL: I still don't understand Sir.

Me: We're in Aberdeen for the sheep dog trials. You know ... like in the film Babe, the pig who wanted to be a sheep dog. Maurice is my sheep dog. We're coming incognito. We'll enter the trials in the last possible moment. That's why we'll stay in the hotel room for as long as possible. Maurice is a champion sheepdog, and any news of his entrance in the show will affect the betting odds, you see.

TAL: Yes Sir ... I see clearly now ... (deep breath) ... I understand.

MORE FUNNY STORIES HERE

AND HERE

 

Unequal Rewards in Heaven

 

The good thing about hopping from one Blog to another on the Internet is that I learn something new everyday - well almost!

The problem though, is to know whether what I have learnt is true, or just someone's opinion.

For example, I learnt the other day that when we get to Heaven our "rewards" will not be the same, but will be commensurate with how well we responded to God's grace when here on earth.

I'll admit this confused me somewhat. I never realised there were rewards as such in Heaven. I thought that once there that was reward enough; if reward is the right word to use in this context.

I doubt very much that if Heaven was a mansion with many rooms, some Saint or other would have the top penthouse apartment facing whatever one faces when looking out of Heaven's window, and I would have a dingy cupboard space somewhere deep in the bowels of said mansion.

Have any of you heard of the notion of unequal rewards in Heaven?

I understand this was at one time Catholic dogma originating from the Council of Florence many years ago.

I asked a priest about it. Here's what he wrote:

"The Council of Florence was in the 15th century. One of the most important principles in the study of theology, sacred scripture and church history (including the general councils) is that we always seek to understand them within the context of their own time. 

The visualisation of Heaven as some kind of an hierarchical body was very common in the middle ages, for the simple reason that the whole of society worked in that way. They had no concept of social mobility or equality as we would have these days, and it would’ve seemed unthinkable to them that people in Heaven would be as it were outside of their own social circle!

We almost certainly are not bound to believe that there is any kind of hierarchical or social structure in Heaven. What we are promised is that each and every one of us will have all that is necessary for our personal bliss."

So there you have it; it is no longer Catholic belief that there's a hierarchy in Heaven amongst those souls there.

But how about your Church and your beliefs?  

Have you ever heard about unequal rewards in Heaven?

The Book of Life

 

Have you ever wondered, what if ... what if the whole of your life is just a book. You do not actually exist, but you are a character in a book, and there is someone out there reading all about you and your life. Whatever you do, or did, in life, from the moment you are born, is written in this book which is being read right now.

"And (your name) took the dog for a walk as usual starting from the park and right into town where he/she bought some tobacco for his pipe/some lip stick to match the colour of her new shoes!"

Just imagine for a moment the whole of your past life. As far back as you can remember. All the good things you did, and the bad things too, are all written down in this book which is being read by someone. All your kindness and generosity towards others, all the spiteful hateful things you have done, all the hurts and all the pains that you have caused, or have been done to you, and all the good times you enjoyed. They are all written down in this book.

If this were so; what kind of book yours would be?

A scientific one? "And (your name) spent most of his/her life studying the reproductive system of the cockroach, and was the first one to discover that they can be taught to walk in a single file to the tune of "Happy Birthday".

Or a romantic book. "As they sat down on the warm grass for a picnic he admired her long blonde hair blowing in the wind, and ran after it before it got entangled in the bushes".

Or maybe a financial book. "(Your name) had a head for figures and became very wealthy at an early age with the aid of an electronic abacus and by inheriting a fortune".

A fantasy book perhaps. "(Your name) woke up early and ran to the forest before the trees got there, only to discover that someone had stolen the river because it had totally disappeared."

Or would it be a horror book recording all your wrongdoings and unhappiness you have caused to others?

Think about it for a moment. If whoever is reading your book was asked to write a review about it; what would He say?

For make no mistake about it ... now is the time to make sure that your Book of Life has a happy ending and a good review too.

Our neighourhood

 

Our neighbours a few doors down have a new dog. It's as big as a lion at least. Not as big as a hippo or a rhino or elephant; but just about the size of a lion. You remember 101 Dalmatians? Well it's the size between a dalmatian and a lion. Only they were cartoon characters and white with black spots. This dog is bigger than a dalmatian and is the colour of a lion.

A friend of ours who lives down the street told us that their daughter came from school the other day by bus and she said the neighbours had a lion as a pet.

Her parents told her that she know full well it is not a lion and it is wrong to tell lies. It is a sin. They told her to go to her room and pray to God and ask Him to forgive her.

Ten minutes later she came down. They asked her whether she prayed to God. She said, "Yes I did and He said He often mistakes that dog for a lion Himself!"

Humour Time

 You come from dust, you will return to dust. That's why I don't dust. It could be someone I know.

"One day, you will be able to tell your grandkids, I survived the Great Toilet Paper Shortage of 2020."

"You're not fat, you're just... easier to see."

"Not in jail, not in a mental hospital, not in a grave - I say I'm having a very good day."

"I started out with nothing... I still have most of it."

"The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket."

"The problem with stealing quotes off the Internet is you never know if they are genuine."

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

He was so narrow-minded; he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.

Few women admit their age. Few men act it.

We live in an era of smart phones and stupid people.

A man who correctly guesses a woman’s age may be smart, but he’s not very bright.

There's no point in being so open-minded that your brains fall out. 

I wouldn’t say he’s very old, but when he was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick.

A thief broke into my house last night looking for money. So I got up and searched with him.  

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

As one door closes another opens outwards and hits you in the face.

One Liners to remember

 

You are unique and one of a kind in inducing boredom

Your life can be what you want it to be as long as you leave me alone

Stop, Listen and then Act the fool

Within you are so many answers, all wrong

Make Timely Decisions some other time

Do not compare yourself with others; they are better than you

Life is full of choices; one of them is to keep your distance from me

What you don't like, others may also not like; I don't like you

Your thoughts are things; so keep them to yourself

Remember that a little everyday will get you nowhere

Rome was not built in a day; because I was not the building contractor

To thine own self be true; boring as you are

That which does not kill us makes us stronger; except diarrhoea

Be the change you wish to see in the world; like clean underwear

Breathe in courage, breathe out wind, break wind often

This too shall pass, with a good laxative

Hold your head up ... ... ...

Share my Thoughts

 

I was sitting there in front of the TV. There was nothing on except dust on the screen. When I mentioned it to my wife she threw a dust cloth at me and gave me the silent treatment. I closed my eyes and started thinking, or continued thinking ... I seem to be doing it all the time these days.

We'd been to a restaurant the previous evening and we had calamari. That's squid not octopus.  

I thought, if I were an octopus I'd be able to slap eight stupid people at a time. Or hug one person tenderly.

There are plenty of stupid people these days. I wish we could export stupidity and make a fortune. 

My train of thoughts moved on from octopus to slugs. Do you realise that a slug is a naked snail? Why do people eat snails and not slugs? What's the difference with a bit of garlic sauce? With some vegetables on the side.

If you were to sit in a  hot bath with a lot of carrots, peas and other vegetables would you be in a right stew, I wonder?

What is the difference between a stew and a hot pot. Or a casserole?

What is the difference between a pot and a pan? 

Do people go to nudist camps to air their differences?

How did Adam and Eve know that they were naked? And how did they know which bits to cover? What if they had covered their elbows or knees? Can you imagine ... if they had covered their knees, today we would all be going round naked with knee-high socks. What a spectacle that would make! 

And how about that snake? If I were naked outdoors and met a talking snake I'd be afraid he might bite my bottom, not engage in a conversation with him. 

Why does my mind jump from one subject to another, sometimes related sometimes totally unrelated? Like the sky for instance. You can see the sun and the stars. They are things hanging up there. So are clouds. But what is the sky?

Is it a thing, or a reflection of the earth, the oceans, or whatever else? If it is a reflection, then what is it reflected on? Is there a mirror up there in outer space reflecting the seas and oceans?

I think it is time for me to have another drink of whisky. 

And it is time for you to invite friends to join Time for Reflections. I am told it is a great Blog. 

Have you noticed Lazarus?

 

“There was a rich man who was dressed in purple and fine linen and lived in luxury every day. At his gate was laid a beggar named Lazarus, covered with sores and longing to eat what fell from the rich man’s table. Even the dogs came and licked his sores.

“The time came when the beggar died and the angels carried him to Abraham’s side. The rich man also died and was buried. In hell, where he was in torment, he looked up and saw Abraham far away, with Lazarus by his side. So he called to him, ‘Father Abraham, have pity on me and send Lazarus to dip the tip of his finger in water and cool my tongue, because I am in agony in this fire.’

“But Abraham replied, ‘Son, remember that in your lifetime you received your good things, while Lazarus received bad things, but now he is comforted here and you are in agony. And besides all this, between us and you a great chasm has been fixed, so that those who want to go from here to you cannot, nor can anyone cross over from there to us.’ Luke 16:19-31.

Let us get one thing clear from the start about this parable. Jesus is not talking against riches and being rich. There is nothing wrong in working hard and getting a fortune and living well even. 

In this parable Jesus is condemning indifference. Not caring of what and who is around you. In this story Lazarus was a poor beggar at the rich man's gate; yet the rich man did not even care about him. He must have seen him umpteen times as he got in and out and yet he ignored him.

Sideline Note: The name Lazarus is a Latinized version of the Greek name Lazaros, which is derived from the Hebrew name Eleazar (אלעזר)  and means "God has helped" or "God helps". So in this parable Jesus is hinting strongly that the poor man will be helped by God.

Another thing to note is that Abraham, to whom Lazarus was taken, was himself a very rich man. In today's modern terms the man would have been a billionaire. Those hearing this parable would have understood this. Jesus was not against wealth, (like Abraham's), but was condemning the rich man's attitude towards the poor man at his gate.

Have we got a Lazarus at our gate? Someone we have noticed and don't much care about? 

No matter whether we are materially rich, or well off in other ways like talents, spare time, good health, education, or whatever else; there is always someone who would benefit from our good fortune if only we shared it with them.

We don't have to look too far. Lazarus is there just beside you.

Prayers please ...

 

PRAY MORE

PRAY BETTER 

Just before He was arrested, Jesus prayed for His disciples. Then He prayed for us – yes, you and me. He said:

“I pray not only for them, (the disciples), but also for those who believe in me because of their message. I pray that they may all be one. Father! May they be in us, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they be one, so that the world will believe that you sent me.” John 17: 20-21.

Does anyone think that they pray too much? That perhaps they are giving God a headache? That with over 7 billion peoples on earth yours seem to be the most prayers in His in-tray to deal with? That He is spending 99% of His time listening to you rather than the other people on earth? That perhaps you should let up a bit and pray less?

God never gets tired of hearing our prayers. Whether they are one's we have learnt like the Lord's Prayer, or just conversations and lists of demands or requests, God is always listening. He likes to hear from us; just like any good parent likes to hear from their children and how they are doing in life. He knows how we're doing, of course; but He likes to hear from us as well.

He also likes to hear us praying for others. Prayers are the greatest gifts we can give each other. It shows generosity of spirit, it shows caring, and it shows love on our part for someone else.

When someone is talking with you about their health, works problems, marital difficulties or whatever else; just say a silent prayer. Without them knowing about it. Hand their situation to God and trust Him to deal with it in His way and time.

When you see on TV a politician, especially one you disagree with, pray for them. Pray that they may find God in their lives and follow Christ's way, truth and light. Also, when you see celebrities on TV deriding and mocking Christianity and promoting a secular way of life; pray for them too that they may experience the love of Christ. 

God sends many opportunities in our lives to pray for one another. Whether it is for a relative, a friend, acquaintance or someone you don't know and you see on TV or social media; let us pray for them and their situations. A prayer un-said is an opportunity missed. How do you think God feels about that?

The world is in turmoil right now. Whether on an individual basis, as a family, a nation or globally. There are many needs for prayers.

SUGGESTION: Every day, ask God to send you someone you can help. I did. He took me seriously and now I am inundated with people needing my help. 

PRAY MORE

PRAY BETTER