How to be stylish on a budget

 

With the ever rising cost of living and peoples' tastes in clothing changing all the time it is becoming increasingly difficult to be stylish and in fashion these days.

To help with this, I have partnered with a leading "Haute Couture" fashion house in London and just released my first collection of fashionable clothes-wear on a budget.

 

It's a funny world in my neighbourhood

 

Some very odd things have been happening around here lately.

We have had a spate of doormat swapping. No one knows how it started. Most houses have a doormat or rug by their front doors for visitors to wipe their feet on before entering the house. Some have personalised doormats with the words "Smith Residence" or such like. Others have plain rubber doormats, or multi-coloured ones or whatever. Every one, or almost every one, has a doormat by their front door.

In the last few days these doormats have swapped places. We get up in the morning and find that instead of our doormat we have the one from a few houses up the road, and they have another doormat which does not belong to them either; and every house has a doormat which belongs to their neighbours from further up the road, rather than the one living just next door.

The first morning this happened it was pandemonium out there. Everyone was out in the street, in various stages of undress, doormat in hand trying to find who has their doormat and giving away the doormat left on their doorstep.

It baffled me why people should get out in the street with their night clothes on, just to get back their own doormat. You'd be surprised what some people wear in bed these days. It was quite a revelation I tell you. 

And I wondered why Mr Harrison from Number 14 came out of house Number 17 in his pyjamas with the young lady from Number 17 following him in her nightdress.

Yesterday it all happened again. Someone at night swapped all the doormats once more. And it happened this morning too.

Now we keep our doormat indoors. Whenever people visit we let them right in and ask them to wipe their feet as they leave so as not to dirty the outdoors.

Our neighbour on the left of us is an old man who lives alone. I saw him with a dog lately. He must have named him "Help" because all day yesterday he kept shouting from his back garden, "Help ... Help ... Help ..." He eventually must have found his dog because he stopped calling it.

A few houses up the road a new couple have moved in about a month or so ago. They are elderly too. I have not seen the old man but his wife is frequently seen coming up the hill from town carrying a large shopping bag. Her head stooped down by the many years on her shoulders, she walks slowly past our house and on to hers a few yards further on. I noticed once that she was followed by a cat.

A few days later I saw her again walking towards her home with her shopping bag. This time she was followed by two cats, neither of which was the cat I saw her with before.

Yesterday I saw her again. This time she was followed by at least six cats. They were all following her and miawooing like cats do.

I stopped her to have a word. I noticed that she smelled of fish. So I ventured to ask whether she kept cats as pets. She looked around her and said, "Oh no ... they follow me everyday from the fishmonger all the way home!"

"You like fish?" I asked rather stupidly.

"No ... I hate fish, and the smell of fish," she replied, "this is for Hector!"

"Your husband?" I asked.

"No ..." she said, "the man who lives with me is not my husband. We are not married. He is my lover and we live in sin, so to speak!"

I was embarrassed and mumbled something incoherent which even I could not understand.

"Anyway, his name is not Hector. It is Ivor ... Ivor Heavybottom!"

"Oh ..." I said wishing to end this conversation.

"Hector is our penguin. We keep him in the bath. He is staying with us for a while," she informed me.

"Is he on holiday?" I asked stupidly.

"Oh no ..." she said, "he is from the zoo. His mother rejected him and the zoo keepers tried to get him adopted; but apparently penguins do not like to adopt other birds' chicks. So the people at the zoo tried a walrus. But the walrus rejected him too. So they asked us to look after him until they find another animal who might adopt him until he grows up. A crocodile perhaps!"

"I see ..." I said unconvincingly.

She continued, "The people at the zoo are trying to find out whether fish are depressed. You can't tell if a fish is depressed because they don't smile. It is easy with a dog, when he is happy he wags his tail. But with a fish it's different. He wags his tail to keep afloat in the water. The animal psychiatrist says one way of finding out if fish are depressed is to check their mortality rate. But when you have a tankful of dead fish it is too late to cheer them up if they're dead."

 A few days later I learnt from another neighbour that this old lady's first and only husband wanted to be a lion whisperer. He achieved his ambition just before he died trying to tame a deaf lion.

Why is the fish a symbol of Christianity?

 

You may have seen this symbol on the back of some cars. My car has one.

Why is the FISH a symbol of Christianity?

The symbol of a fish was found on ancient Christian monuments and buildings. It represents Christ.

The Greek word for "fish" is ICHTHUS.

If we take the letters of that word they provide the first letters of other Greek words.

Iesous Christos Theou Uios Soter

Jesus Christ, Son of God, Saviour

So the symbol of the fish suggests all this to a Christian. It may well have been a secret sign used by early Christians to identify each other.

Sitting by the pool

 

JOHN 5:2 ONWARDS

 Now there is in Jerusalem near the Sheep Gate a pool, which in Aramaic is called Bethesda and which is surrounded by five covered colonnades. Here a great number of disabled people used to lie—the blind, the lame, the paralysed. For an angel went down at a certain season into the pool, and troubled the water: whosoever then first after the troubling of the water stepped in was made whole of whatsoever disease he had. 

One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, “Do you want to get well?” “Sir,” the invalid replied, “I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.”

Then Jesus said to him, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.”

At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked. The day on which this took place was a Sabbath, and so the Jewish leaders said to the man who had been healed, “It is the Sabbath; the law forbids you to carry your mat.”

There is so much for us to learn from this short passage in John's Gospel.

I guess it was traditional for people to gather round that pool and await for the water to stir before jumping in. We are not told whether people actually got healed or not; but presumably so since people kept going there. 

Jesus too went there. He obviously did not want healing. But He went there for a purpose.

He saw a lame man and learnt that he had been an invalid for years. He asked him an obvious question: Do you want to get well?

Duh ... of course, otherwise I would not be here!

But the sick man does not answer the question. He says that he cannot get to the pool on time because others more able than him jump in first; and it is only the first one in who gets healed.

So Jesus simply says: Get up! Pick up your mat and walk! 

Note that this happened on the Sabbath. The day when the Jews were not allowed to work. And apparently, according to the Jewish leaders, they decided that carrying one's mat was in fact work.

Jesus could have said: Get up and walk. 

He did not have to mention the mat. But had He done so, the man would have walked away unnoticed and that would have been the end of the story. 

Jesus went to the pool deliberately on the Sabbath. He certainly planned to make a point of healing someone on that day to test the reactions of the people. 

Rather than rejoicing and praising God for another miracle amongst their mist; and celebrating with the man who had been healed after so many years; the Jewish leaders were nit-picking and fussing about the minutiae of the law.

Aren't we like that sometimes? Each interpreting our Christian beliefs our own way and certain that we are right and therefore everyone else is wrong.

Rather than rejoicing in what unites us in faith, we argue about what divides us and sets us apart.

Would we not much rather hear Jesus say: Get up and walk. Your prejudices have been healed.

Father Ignatius breaks a leg

The letter had been on Father Ignatius’ desk for about a week now. A local firm of Solicitors had asked him to attend a meeting scheduled for this morning. He tried getting through to them on the phone, but was never able to contact the signatory to the letter. The person answering the phone could not help either. Reluctantly, he decided to attend the meeting.

There were about a dozen people or so at the reading of the will. Mr Simmons was not particularly wealthy but he left a few small sums of money mainly to local charities, which the people at the meeting represented. He had no relatives or friends to speak of.

Father Ignatius knew of him. He visited Mr Simmons at home a few times to see him when he wasn’t well, but usually Father Donald called on him since he never attended Mass. He lived alone on a farm on the outskirts of town.

The priest wondered why he had been named in the will instead of Father Donald. “Never mind,” he thought, “whatever money he has left us will come useful in meeting the church’s expenses.”

“ … and to Father Ignatius I bequeath the statue I valued so much. I request that he installs it in the front garden of the church for all to see and admire.”

“What?” thought Father Ignatius, “he left us a statue?”

He asked the solicitor after everyone had gone whether he knew anything about the statue, but he could shed no light on it either. He explained that there’s a life-size statue in a barn on the farm and that it will be sent to him in a week or so. He hadn’t seen it personally so he could not even say what it was a statue of.

Father Ignatius wondered about this strange bequest for a whole week. Father Donald teased him “Maybe he made a statue of you to honour your good works. It’ll look good in the middle of the car park. We can use it as a roundabout to control the traffic!”

At the breakfast table a few days later Father Ignatius was enjoying ginger marmalade on toast when Mrs Davenport, the housekeeper, came in and announced: “There’s a removal van in the car park. They seem to be unloading something!”

The two priests went out to investigate, followed by Mrs Davenport.

“Is either of you two gentlemen Father Ignatius?” asked a fat man walking towards them.

“That’s me.”

“I have a delivery for you guv’nor. Would you sign here please … and here … and one more time here … that’s loverly! This box here is yours. And you can keep a copy of these papers too. Tara!” And he drove off accompanied by his mate.

“It’s a big enough crate!” said Father Donald.

“We can’t keep it here. Let’s get some tools and open it”.

Minutes later, supervised by Mrs Davenport, they managed to remove the front panel of the upright wooden crate. It was full of straw which they gently removed revealing a shape taller than Father Donald; and he is over six feet tall. The shape was covered by cloth which was well held in place by heavy duty string.

The two men gingerly moved the shape out of the crate by sliding it to and fro until it was standing upright by itself in the car park. They then cut the string and removed the cloth wrapping the statue.



“Oh … it’s a naked wee cherub!” declared Mrs Davenport, "just look at him ... isn't he cute?"

“Nothing wee about him,” said Father Donald, “he’s an overfed cherub who should have gone on a diet a long time ago.”

“Isn't he wonderful ... and he’s all naked too … the little angel!” continued Mrs Davenport with a smile.

“Yes … we have noticed,” replied Father Ignatius impatiently.

“Will you be putting him in the middle of the car park? He’ll look grand there,” suggested Mrs Davenport, “the parishioners will like him, I’m sure!”.

“We’ll do no such thing with this monstrosity,” was Father Ignatius’ abrupt reply.

“I don’t know,” teased Father Donald, “by installing him there we’d be the talk of the town. We could add a plaque saying he was bequeathed to the church in your honour Ignatius!”

Father Ignatius’ silence spoke volumes. He put the straw and cloth back in the crate and said: “We’ll have to remove him from here. Let’s put him in the garage for now. I’ll fetch a trolley to put him on.”

Minutes later the two priests tried to lift the statue onto the trolley. It was a little heavy but they managed it. As they pushed the trolley towards the garage one of its wheels must have caught something because it stopped abruptly and the statue slid forwards and fell to the ground before the two priests could do anything about it.

They moved away swiftly to avoid the statue crushing their feet; and after the initial shock of the sudden accident they realized that one of the cherub’s legs had been broken by the fall.

“Mercy me …” cried Mrs Davenport, “the wee angel broke its leg!”

“We’re both all right, thank you …” retorted Father Ignatius trying to keep calm.

“Hey … what’s this Ignatius?” said Father Donald pointing at the ground, “it looks like a small leather bag. It must have been inside the hollow statue.”

Father Ignatius pocketed the bag and the two priests eventually managed to store the statue, and its severed leg, inside the garage.

Moments later, in Father Ignatius’ office, the two priests opened the bag which contained seven little jewels. Five crystal in colour, and two red.

They didn’t know what to do about them, so Father Ignatius contacted the solicitors the next day who assured him that they belonged to him.

“They were in the statue and the statue is now yours, including its contents,” said the solicitor. “Mr Simmons had no family or friends to inherit his belongings. He left the statue to you, and had you not broken it we would never have known it contained anything. I suggest you keep or sell the so called jewels and use the proceeds as you wish.”

Well, the jewels were valued and sold for just over £8000 which helped with the church’s maintenance costs, and quite a bit besides to feed the poor of the Parish.

“The wee cherub may well have been naked,” remarked Mrs Davenport, “but he hid a treasure all right!”

EXCERPT FROM

AMAZON LINK HERE 

Forgiveness

 

 

YOU'VE BEEN HURT SO MUCH ...

 

HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY FORGIVE?

 

Pursuit of happiness and money

 

Scientific Facts

 

Every so often I like to publish a scientific article to inform you, my readers, of things you might not have known.

Here are some facts I have discovered in a book which I am writing.

For example; did you know that the majority of men with beards (about 68%) sleep with their beards tucked under the bed covers rather than over the bed covers?

And that beards grow faster and longer than hair on men's heads?

In the UK about 37% of the population sleep with their pets in bed. I tried that once. The next morning the bed was soaking wet and my goldfish had died.

Human ears grow bigger in proportion to the rest of our bodies as we grow older? I remember I knew a man with his ears sticking out quite a bit. He looked like a car with its doors open. On a windy day he used to spin round like a revolving door.

Did you know that if you had a meal in a restaurant that is totally dark you would not be able to tell the difference between steak and a beefburger? Until you got the bill.

Did you also know that if you're in a vacuum and you shout loud no one would hear you? And it would make no difference whether the vacuum cleaner is full of dirt and dust or whether it was empty?

If a tree falls in the forest and there is no one there to see it; does it remain upright? 

As a child, I used to run to the forest before the trees got there. Never managed it somehow. One day, I got to the forest and someone had stolen the river. It was totally dry. There was a fat man sitting there and I thought he drank the whole river. I ran back home before he needed a pee.

Do you realise that if you had a small bird in a cage, and as you happen to weigh the cage, if the bird jumped up from its perch then its weight would not register on the scale?

Also, if you were to weigh the cage under water the small bird would drown?

And in order to peel and cut an onion without tears you have to do it under water; that is if you can hold your breath for that long?

Time for some videos

Yesterday, I asked you to share your favourite quotations from the Bible. I would like to thank you all, my friends, for taking the time to respond so generously and whole-heartedly. You are a wonderful and kind people and I am privileged to have "met you" on the Internet. Thank you so much and God bless you and your families.

And now for something completely different ... ... ...  

 

MORE HUMOUR FROM HERE

.

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An Honesty Challenge

 

I was watching a preacher on TV just now. He encouraged his audience to read and memorise the Bible; or quotes from it. 

He said, quite rightly, when we are in a difficult situation, we do not always have the time to go to the Bible for God's guidance and help. We need to remember certain promises made by God and Jesus in the Bible and use them as prayers when needed.

So here's a challenge, and please let's be honest in this, without checking the Bible can you quote as many bits as you can in the comments box below. 

Do not read other peoples' comments until you have published your quotes first. Then we can check how many of us have chosen the same quotations.

I have written mine on a piece of paper to compare with your entries.

God bless. 

Smile Times

 

 

A drunk man stumbles out of bar and runs into two priests. The drunk man looks at the first priest and says, “Hey, I’m Jesus Christ.”

The first priest tells the man, “No, my son, you’re not.”

Then the man turns to the second priest and says the same thing. “Hey, I’m Jesus Christ.”

The second priest tells the man, “No, my son, you’re not.”

The drunk man tells the priests that he can prove it.

So he takes the two priests into the bar and the bartender says, “Jesus Christ. You’re back again?” 

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = 

Aladdin has been banned from the magic carpet race. Apparently, he’s been using performance enhancing rugs. 

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = 

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to Heaven, where he meets the Lord.
The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable please let me know."
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard-wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident. All of them go to heaven. Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.
The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run any more?"
The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.
About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow.
The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?"
The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"    

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Everyday when I come home from work I ask my dog how his day was. He always says the same thing. Rough.

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I was on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies…  Is this a trick question?

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My friend said, “My kid refuses to eat fish. What do you think is a good replacement?”   I said, “Cats. Cats love fish.”

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

My wife asked me today if I had seen the dog bowl. I said no I didn’t know he could play cricket.

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 The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron… Which is ironic.

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I’m so irritated with my neighbour today, he kept playing Lionel Richie songs at full blast. Normally I wouldn’t mind. But it was All Night Long.

========================= 

Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then just hung up. I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.

====================== 

It’s a shame nothing is built in Britain any more. I just bought a T.V. and it said, “Built in Antenna”. I don’t even know where that is!

========================= 

I was working in my shop when the cashier called me over. He said, “These two guys came in and tried to give me some fake £50 bills.”

“What did they look like?” I asked.

He said, “Just like £50 bills.”

 

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Ivor Faith

 

In Hebrews Chapter 11 we read: To have faith is to be sure of the things we hope for, to be certain of the things we cannot see. 

Or put another way to have faith is to believe when your common sense tells you not to.

These days we hear a lot about faith. In a noisy world with too many voices and perhaps few listening, everyone seems to have faith in something or someone. It could be faith in one's own ability, faith in a close relationship such as a spouse or a friend, faith in money, power, possessions, or faith in other beliefs like the universe and the stars and planets controlling our destiny.

It isn't the strength of our faith that matters, but the object of our faith.

In the book of Kings (Chapter 18 onwards) we read that whilst Elijah worshipped God, Ahab and his followers worshipped the false god Baal.

So Ahab summoned all the Israelites and the prophets of Baal to meet at Mount Carmel. Elijah suggested that Baal's followers as well as he would offer a sacrifice to their respective God. He said, "let the prophets of Baal pray to their god, and I will pray to the LORD, and the one who answers by sending fire--he is God."

The prophets of Baal took the bull that was brought to them, prepared it, and prayed to Baal until noon. They shouted, "Answer us, Baal!" and kept dancing around the altar they had built. But no answer came.

At the hour of the afternoon sacrifice the prophet Elijah approached the altar and prayed, "O LORD, the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, prove now that you are the God of Israel and that I am your servant and have done all this at your command. Answer me, LORD, answer me, so that this people will know that you, the LORD, are God and that you are bringing them back to yourself." 

The LORD sent fire down, and it burned up the sacrifice, the wood, and the stones, scorched the earth and dried up the water in the trench.

When the people saw this, they threw themselves on the ground and exclaimed, "The LORD is God; the LORD alone is God!"

So, how does this relate to us many years later? Do we really need fire from Heaven to make us believe in the one true living Creator God? Or is our faith, as little as it may be, enough to make us believe without proof or understanding?

"I am the way, the truth, and the life; no one goes to the Father except by me." John 14:6