X Ray

 

Radiologist: Do come in. Please place any metal objects you are carrying in this tray. Metal reacts with the X Ray. 

Patient: Just like Superman? Can't see through lead?

Radiologist: Something like that ... oh ... I notice you have ear-rings. Can you take them off please and place them in the tray.

Patient: They are silver!

Radiologist: Still metal ... don't worry; I won't steal them. Oh ... you've also got a stud on your eyebrow. Please take this off too. And all other rings and studs and so on.

Patient: I'll try. It's a bit difficult ...

Radiologist:Take off your top, and any vest you're wearing. Any more piercings I need to know about?

Patient: Ehm ... my nipples. I have studs through my nipples too.

Radiologist: I see ... Are they difficult to remove?

Patient: I'll try ... they've been there for a while. Sorry ...

Radiologist: No need to apologise. I am not judging ... just that any metal objects interfere with the X Ray and should be removed.

Patient: It will be difficult removing the ring on my navel. The tattooist told me it's an expert job.

Radiologist: On your navel? I understand ... I'll need to call a specialist nurse to remove this for you. Anything else I need to know about?

Patient: There's a stud on my tongue and cheeks, as well as the rings you can see through my nose.

Radiologist: I noticed them. The specialist nurse will deal with those too.

Patient: Also ... also ... I have a couple of studs and a ring somewhere else ... 

Radiologist: You mean ...

Patient: Yes ... in my private parts ... 

Radiologist: Must have been painful ... and inconvenient ...

Patient: It was at first, but it's good fun. It allows me to express myself ... it's me being me ... isn't it?

Radiologist: I understand ... The thing is all that metal in the studs and rings are an obstruction to the X Ray waves ... you know how an antenna gets sound waves coming through to a TV or radio aerial; all this metal you are wearing acts in reverse and interferes with the X Rays. 

Patient: Actually, it does act like a short-wave radio aerial! Sometimes I can hear music.

Radiologist: What? Heavy Metal music is it?

Patient: It's true ... I think all my jewellery and studs and rings act like a radio aerial. Sometimes, in the shower I hear music.

Radiologist: All right ... I understand ... take your clothes off and let's listen to some Black Sabbath music whilst waiting for the specialist nurse to arrive.    

Forgiveness

 

.

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, if my brother keeps on sinning against me, how many times do I have to forgive him? Seven times?”

“No, not seven times,” answered Jesus, “but seventy times seven ..." Matthew 18:21 onwards.

By my calculations this makes 490 times. I've forgiven someone 489 times; so they're getting very close to a thump on the head!  

Seriously though, Jesus is teaching us here to forgive any wrongdoings against us time and again. But what is forgiveness?

It is to accept the wrongdoing done to us and not to seek any revenge, retribution, punishment, pay-back of any ill-will against the one who hurt us. To just let him go freely. Whether he has asked for forgiveness or not. Whether he cares for our forgiveness or not. Just let him go and in your heart truly forgive him.

This does not necessarily mean reconciliation. There are times when reconciliation is not possible, nor advisable. Just let the person go freely in peace.

Also, this does not mean that the hurt will go away. Often the hurt will remain with you. The slightest memory, and the pain and the hurt of the wrongdoing done to you will return. Use this as a trigger to forgive once again. Whenever Jesus sees the wounds in His hands, feet and side He forgives once again. Be like Jesus.

When the bad memories come back pray for the one who hurt you. You cannot possible hate anyone you pray for.

And should you hear news or gossip that something bad has happened to the one who has hurt you, do not rejoice at his misfortune. This nullifies all your forgiveness.    

If the person who has hurt you has passed away, He is now in the sight of God and has seen the event in all its facets and his role, and yours, in it. The matter is between him and God now.

If you were in any way guilty in the event, ask God for forgiveness and earnestly repent for your part in it. 

And accept God's forgiveness. Don't keep going back on the events and wonder if you've been forgiven, and feel guilty all over again. By doing so you're insulting God by suggesting He hasn't truly forgiven you.

Now ... have you got a calculator?

Peace

 

Welcome

 

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Jesus said:

 

"Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptising them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit." (Matthew 28:19)

 

The Christian Lounge exists  

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NOTE

 

Some readers are having difficulties receiving my posts. Please see the comments below from Martha and Mevely. I have prepared a list of favourite Blogs I'd like to read and visit them regularly to see if they have up-dated their posts.   

DON'T LET THE DEVIL WIN 

What do you do?

 

Q - Hello, this is a lovely party isn't it? I am Quentin Fartwell, nice to meet you?

I - Pleased to meet you, I'm Ivor Flatulence; you're not Quentin Fartwell the pharmacist are you?

Q - The very same. The pharmacist on the High Street, the shop just next to Doug M Deep the mortician.

I - Yes I know it well. Just opposite Ken McWind the bagpipes repairer. 

Q - The very same ... that's right. And what do you do Ivor?

I - Well ... today I followed our tortoise all the way to the end of the garden, and when it got there I turned it round.

Q - Interesting! I meant what do you do every day.

I - Oh it's the same every day. It takes Gonzales our tortoise all day to reach the end of the garden. When it gets there by the evening I turn it round. It takes it all night to get back home so in the morning I turn it again. It must have walked miles since we got it.

Q - Quite ... Quite ... I meant what do you do as a job?

I - Oh it's quite a job I tell you. Gonzales is slowing down because of his age. And I have to get to him just as he reaches the fence at the end of the garden or the back door of our house when he's coming back. Because when he gets there his head hits the fence or the back door and he continues walking on the spot. I was late one day and he just continued walking whilst standing still and his legs had dug his own grave on the spot.

Q - I understand ...

I - Not like when we had Speedy our pet snail. Now whilst he took longer to reach the fence at the end of the garden, when he got there he crawled underneath it and escaped. We looked everywhere for him. We put notices on all lamp posts asking if people had seen him. We placed adverts in the newspapers. Offered a reward for his return ... But nothing. We reckon he ended up in a French restaurant. He always had a penchant for garlic sauce.

Q - I see ... did you ever have a job as a profession?

I - As a young apprentice I worked at the zoo. I used to pick up the penguins when they fell over. They usually fall asleep and fall over.

Q - And after that?  

I - After that I was a door-to-door salesman selling doors. Not many openings in that profession. As one door shut another slammed. And some opened outwards and hit me in the face.

Q - Sorry to hear it. 

I - After that in my thirties my grandfather was very ill in hospital suffering from extreme indolence. It runs in the family, I believe; or rather it walks slowly in the family. Anyway, I went to visit him and brought him a bunch of grapes. He just sat there staring at the wall and said nothing. To keep him company I ate one grape at a time until I finished them. He just looked at me and he said 'selfish'. So I became a fishmonger.

Q - A fishmonger?

I - Yes ... the shop was a failure on account of the fact that we had a cat instead of a guard dog. We could not afford a dog!  

NOTE: Why is it we place so much importance on what someone does for a living? And in doing so, we categorise some people, or some professions, as more important than others. 

For example, if you were a successful lawyer or scientist or businessman, would you date/marry a waiter or waitress, or a garbage collector, or someone whose job is considered so much "beneath" you?

What would your family and friends say?   

Discuss! 

Toupee or Not Toupee

 

.

 

Dean Martin & Bob Newhart 

Congratulations Father Francis Maple

 

.

 

CONGRATULATIONS

FATHER FRANCIS MAPLE O.F.M. Cap

ON THE CELEBRATION

OF YOUR PLATINUM JUBILEE 

 

Thank you for 70 years

of service to

Our Lord 

 

Father Francis Maple is a Franciscan monk who celebrates his 70th Anniversary as a friar today.

Known as "The Singing Friar" Father Francis has sung at many concerts to raise money for charity and has recorded 42 albums earning a Gold Disc for his album the “Old Rugged Cross”.  This success helped Father Francis raise over one million pounds for charities supporting the poor - for which he was awarded the MBE in the Queen's 1997 Honours List.

He has also sung in public over the years in malls, shopping centres, bus stations and at his own concerts to raise money for charity. He has written several books, (sermons, cooking recipes, jokes), and has contributed to many newspaper columns and Catholic newspapers and magazines. He spends a lot of time travelling throughout the UK leading Missions in various Catholic churches. 

  

WEBSITE LINK HERE  

 

 

More songs HERE

Here I Am, Lord

I, the Lord of sea and sky,
I have heard my people cry.
All who dwell in dark and sin
My hand will save.

I who made the stars of night,
I will make their darkness bright.
Who will bear my light to them?
Whom shall I send?

Here I am, Lord. Is it I, Lord?
I have heard you calling in the night.
I will go, Lord, if you lead me.
I will hold your people in my heart.


I, the Lord of snow and rain,
I have borne my people's pain.
I have wept for love of them.
They turn away.

I will break their hearts of stone,
Give them hearts for love alone.
I will speak my word to them.
Whom shall I send?

Here I am, Lord. Is it I, Lord?
I have heard you calling in the night.
I will go, Lord, if you lead me.
I will hold your people in my heart.


I, the Lord of wind and flame,
I will tend the poor and lame.
I will set a feast for them.
My hand will save.

Finest bread I will provide
Till their hearts be satisfied.
I will give my life to them.
Whom shall I send?

Here I am, Lord. Is it I, Lord?
I have heard you calling in the night.
I will go, Lord, if you lead me.
I will hold your people in my heart.

Isaiah 6

On the couch

 

Patient: Please doctor, you've got to help me out.

Psychiatrist: Certainly. Which way did you come in?

Patient: Through the door just here.

Psychiatrist: Would you like to get out through the window instead?

Patient: No doctor ... I am having these recurring dreams.

Psychiatrist: Here ... lie on the couch. Take your shoes off first; I've just had the couch cleaned. My ... oh my ... your socks smell! Now then ... tell me, what seems to be troubling you.

Patient: I'd like to ask you first ... are you a Freudian psychiatrist or a Jung?

Psychiatrist: Neither ... I learnt psychiatry by watching Frazier Crane on TV.

Patient: Oh ... OK ... I keep having this same dream night after night.

Psychiatrist: Is it about your mother?

Patient: No.

Psychiatrist: Pity. I am good at dreams about one's mother. Oedipus and all that. Reminds me of my own Mom. She was so kind and sweet. I liked her you know. I wish I had met her before my Dad did ...

Patient: No doctor. The dreams are not about my mother.

Psychiatrist: Are they about my mother then? Do you know my mother?

Patient: No ... they are not about anyone's mother.

Psychiatrist: What are they about then? Because I am not very good at other dreams.

Patient: They are about this woman ...

Psychiatrist: Ah ... now we're getting somewhere. Tell me more. Whose mother is she? Have you got her phone number?

Patient: No ... no phone number. She is young, very beautiful, blonde hair, sexy voice ... and she keeps calling my name softly.

Psychiatrist: Is your name Softly?

Patient: No it isn't.

Psychiatrist: I see. Why does she call you Softly then? What does she say?

Patient: She keeps calling ... Felix ... Felix ... Felix ...

Psychiatrist: Felix? Is that your name?

Patient: No ... it's my cat's name.

Psychiatrist: Why did your mother name you after a cat?

Patient: She didn't name me after a cat. She named the cat after a cat.

Psychiatrist: What did your mother name you?

Patient: Whiskers!

Psychiatrist: What happened next? In your dream?

Patient: Then I am running down the street chased by ...

Psychiatrist: Your mother?

Patient: No ...

Psychiatrist: My mother?

Patient: No ... by ...

Psychiatrist: Felix's mother?

Patient: No doctor! Why has it always to be someone's mother?

Psychiatrist: Well, you know how it is? If it is not one thing it's the mother!

Patient: Well it isn't this time. In fact every time I am running down the street I am chased by a ... zebra!

Psychiatrist: A zebra? Are you sure?

Patient: Yes ... I got it in black and white ... etched on my mind. It's a zebra. It looks like a horse, but it is definitely a zebra.

Psychiatrist: You seem pretty sure.

Patient: So would you be if it chased you every night!

Psychiatrist: Why is this zebra chasing you every night?

Patient: I don't know. I thought you could help me interpret the dream.

Psychiatrist: I can't do that. I don't speak zebra. 

Patient: What does all this mean, doctor?

Psychiatrist: It means your time's up. See you next week. And bring your mother with you!

Mirror Mirror on the wall

 

A private school was faced with a unique problem.

A number of young girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

 

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. 

There are teachers, and then there are educators.

Certainty or Doubt

 

 

If you were to die today, are you sure, very sure, that you will get to Heaven? Without any doubt whatsoever, you will definitely, today, on your death, you will go to Heaven. Straight-away, Heaven is your destination, the very moment you die and your soul leaves your body.

What makes you so sure that you'll get to Heaven?

How come you do not harbour any doubts whatsoever?

Or, if perchance you are a little hesitant; why is this so?

What concerns you about not actually making it to Heaven the moment you die?

When you get to meet God face to face; which is a certainty; and He asks you "why do you want to enter my Heaven?" - what will you respond?

Saying that Jesus died for you, and you are saved, will not count. God is asking "why do you personally want to enter Heaven?" - not why did Jesus die for you. 

Why do you, and me, want to get to Heaven? 

Is it because we are afraid of Hell? 

Is it because we want to be in "a nice place" happy ever after; like in a fairy tale?

You see ... we have been programmed to view these things through a human perspective. 

We want to go to Heaven because that's what we've been taught to expect and to aspire to. We've been taught that we have to be good to go to Heaven or else ... ... ...

Some see God as a judging Deity and we stoically accept His existence and ruling in order to avoid punishment. They believe they'll get to Heaven because they are "good people" really, and that should suffice.

Others choose not to accept God's existence altogether thus freeing their minds of doubts or the emotional worries of what might happen when they die.

Either way, we reach our conclusions through a human perspective.

But God is not human. His perspective is not our perspective. He will expect a good answer, albeit a human one, should He ask you, "why do you want to come in?"

Better be ready! 

Let not our complacency lead us sleep-walking our way to Hell.

"Not everyone who calls me 'Lord, Lord' will enter the Kingdom of Heaven, but only those who do what my Father in Heaven wants them to do." Matthew 7:21.

NOTE: If you have time; read this article about "Seeing things God's way". CLICK HERE 

Happiness

 

 

 

What is Happiness to you? 

To me, happiness is waking up in the morning and finding there is no one else sleeping in the park bench beside me. 

 

Happiness to me is getting home and finding a piece of cheese in the mousetrap. This is double happiness because it means we have no mice. And also I can have some cheese and biscuits for supper.

Money may not buy you happiness; but I guess it can rent it for a while. 

 

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family, that lives in another town far away.

Happiness is the interval between disappointments.

Happiness is when your dentist says it won't hurt, then he cuts his hand on the drill.

I never really knew what happiness is until I got married; by then it was too late! (I hope my wife does not read this).

 

 WEBSITE HERE

There was a woman in my bed

 

It was late in the evening when I entered my hotel room. It had been a long day at work with one meeting following another, and then I had to attend a Conference where they discussed ways to extrapolate sales and costs figures against profits in order to estimate how many paper clips we’ll need five years from now. It was so exhilarating that I could not sleep at all throughout the Conference.

Anyway, I got to my hotel room late and got myself in by using one of those electronic cards you put in a slot and the door opens. I did not bother to switch all lights on. A small light shone from a nearby table-lamp and this was enough. I intended to fall into bed and dream of better days.

As I took my jacket off a man got out of the en-suite bathroom in his pajamas. Why he had an en-suite bathroom in his pajamas I do not know. Maybe he was rich and could afford an en-suite bathroom in his pajamas; whilst the rest of us have to be content with an elastic band or a cord to keep our pajama pants up.

I don’t know what nationality he was, but as soon as he saw me the man said: “Qui êtes-vous? Que faites-vous ici?”

I know exactly what he said because I remember writing it down at the time. I then took out a dictionary to translate but could not understand a word. It was an Italian dictionary.

The man shouted at me and beckoned me to get out of my room. At which point an enormously rotund woman got up from my bed and she too started shouting at me “Allez-vous en!  Allez-vous en!” and waving her hands in the air. 

I wrote that down too but could not find a translation in my Italian dictionary.

I picked up my jacket and as I turned to get out I accidentally knocked a large wicker basket which was on the table beside me. The top of the basket opened and a flock of pigeons came flying out into the room. They flew everywhere, trying to land on something high up. Luckily the bedroom door was shut and they eventually settled on the wardrobe, hanged from the chandelier, (it was a posh hotel), and one settled on the man’s head.

There was cooing and flapping of wings everywhere. A few feathers floated in the air before settling to the ground. The pigeons did what most animals do when frightened and started leaving deposits everywhere. Including on the man’s head.

I was totally stunned by what had just happened and stood perfectly still. The rotund woman picked up the phone on the bedside table and started shouting in broken English “pee john pee john …”

Moments later a hotel porter entered the room and disturbed all the pigeons which started flying all over again and dropping deposits all over the place.

We waited until they had settled down and then he asked me “Why do you have pigeons in your room, Sir? Pets are not allowed in this hotel!”

I was astounded that he asked me about the pigeons and had totally ignored the fact that I also had a rotund woman in my bed and a man with an en-suite bathroom in his pajamas.

He asked for my electronic card which he tested on the door. It worked. He then took the man’s electronic card. It worked too.

You guessed it. It was a double booking and we’d both been given the same cards.

I picked up my luggage and was moved to another room.

By now you may be asking why there were pigeons in a wicker basket in my room.

Simple.

I was told the man was a magician and he used the pigeons in his act by making them appear and disappear out of a hat. Apparently his wife, whilst younger and less rotund, was a stripper and she too used the pigeons in her act. For an encore the pigeons used to take their feathers off! 

NOTE 

This was an excerpt from my memoirs "AS I QUOTE MYSELF". A book full of misadventures and mishaps to make you laugh out loud, or at least to smile.

PLEASE CLICK HERE

Little house on the prairie

 

There I was at home watching Little House on the Prairie on TV. 

Little House on the Prairie is a great program to watch after a nice meal, a few glasses of wine and port or brandy to follow. Especially at Christmas, even though it was not Christmas just then. You can sit there on your favourite armchair, half-asleep, your eyes closed and you don't care what happens on the prairie because it will all end well in the end.  

As I was half watching the program the front door bell did not ring. Someone was pressing it hard several times but it was not ringing. Of course, I did not know this at the time. Eventually I was alerted to that fact by heavy knocking on the door. 

I got up and opened the door, brandy glass still in hand.

It was a stranger. He said to me, "Your door bell does not work!"

"It usually does," I replied, pressing the door bell and it rang perfectly.

He did not answer but pressed the doorbell button and it did not ring.

"That's strange!" I said pressing the button and it rang again. I was confused and perplexed; in that order and in quick succession.

"Perhaps it's because I'm on the inside and you on the outside," I said stupidly and not making sense. I handed him the brandy glass and asked him to step inside. I got out and shut the door. I pressed the bell and it did not ring.

"You're right," he said, "this is a nice brandy, by the way. What are you watching on TV?"

I could hear him walk away. He changed the channel and I could hear horse racing on TV.

I knocked frantically on the door but he ignored me.

"Let me in ..." I shouted through the letterbox.

"In a moment," he replied, "I'm watching this race. I have a bet on the favourite horse ..."

"I'll call the police ..." I shouted again, "this is breaking and entering."

"I did not break anything," he said over the TV commentary which he turned up louder, "I entered because you let me in! Remember?"

I crouched down and continued the conversation through the letter box. "This is robbery!" I shouted at him.

"I stole nothing," he shouted back, "you offered me the brandy! Remember that?"

"But ... but ... but ..." I was at a loss for words and I did not have my Roget's Thesaurus to help me express myself eloquently as I usually does ... did ... do ... yes do!

"No buts about it," he continued, "you invited me in, gave me a drink, and let me watch your TV!"

"Aha ... there you are wrong!" I retorted, "I did not let you watch the TV. You usurped your position as an un-invited guest to sit in the comfort of my armchair, and benefit from the viewing of my TV, thus in effect stealing my electricity ipso facto as well as my right and privilege to enjoy whatever program I wish in the safety and pleasure of my own domain!"

(Did I ever tell you I'm a trained lawyer?)

This had its good effect. He switched off the TV, opened the door and said, "My horse has lost!"

Then he walked away nonchalantly down the road.       

It was pointless stopping him and phoning the police.

Did Jesus restrict His Divinity?

 

Let us start with the fact that Jesus is God and has always existed as a Spirit - just like God the Father and the Holy Spirit. Jesus did not begin to exist when He was born as a baby. That is when He took human form. He was/is fully God and fully man.

Yet, being God, when Jesus walked this earth He restricted His Divinity. For example, unlike God, Jesus was not everywhere at the same time. He restricted His presence to being in one place at a time; just like humans do. He travelled at the same speed and in the same restricted locations as His contemporaries. He is not known to have travelled beyond what we call the Holy Land. He did not visit Europe or anywhere else.

Today, as a Spirit, Jesus is with you right now wherever you are reading this, and at the same time He is also with me and with other people. Jesus is in Heaven as a Spirit and also in human form. Christians expect His coming back to earth in human form. 

Admittedly, all this may be difficult to comprehend; but we need to accept it as a fact. Jesus always existed as a Spirit and became man through human birth through the Holy Spirit.

When He walked this earth Jesus did use His Divine powers to heal the sick, to raise the dead, and to perform many miracles. He also used His powers to read peoples' thoughts especially when they wished to trick Him with their questions. These Divine powers are/were given to Him by His Father God in Heaven.

The Disciples performed miracles too. But they performed miracles in the name of Jesus. It was through the power of Jesus and the Holy Spirit that they performed these miracles and not through their own powers.  

Miracles do happen today. They are not restricted to the past. They are performed in the name of Jesus and not the person (Saint) to whom one has prayed.

The important point to note in all this is that Jesus restricted His powers voluntarily. Can you imagine that? The Creator God of the universe and all that is in it descending to earth as a human being and restricted Himself to our limits in order to maintain a level playing field with humanity. 

When Jesus was arrested He said to Pilate “My kingdom is not of this world. If it were, my servants would fight to prevent my arrest by the Jewish leaders. But now my kingdom is from another place.” (John 18:36). It signifies that His rule and authority originate from a Divine, heavenly realm rather than from earthly, political, or military power.

The only Divine power Jesus did not restrict Himself to was the power to do good. Every one of His miracles performed was for the benefit of someone else. 

That is the limitless enormity of His love for us.

It happened like this

Well Judge ... your honour. It happened like this.

It was Saturday and I was helping out at my friend's Pete's Garage. He runs a small garage in Acacia Avenue, do you know it? Where he fixes cars and does maintenance and so on. The garage has a sign in bright red. It says "Pete's Garage" on it.

I am not a mechanic, your honour. I was helping him in the office. Answering the phone, filing papers, counting paper clips, doing some reception work and so on. Meeting customers as well. The people who come in to have their cars fixed.

Unbeknown to me ... that is ... I did not know anything about it your honour. One of Pete's employees, Tobias is his name. Well he came to work late and he was totally and utterly drunk. No way could you say he was as sober as a judge, your honour. Certainly not as sober as you are right now.

As it happens, Tobias had been out at a party the night before. That is Friday night; this being Saturday. I know it is not Saturday right now, but it was Saturday when all this happened.

As I was saying, Tobias was totally drunk. Drunk as a skunk ... he was. Really drunk as hell, if you pardon the expression, your honour. May the Good Lord forgive me.

He did not know the time of day ... that's the drunk Tobias, not the Good Lord. The Good Lord always knows the time of day.

Tobias did not know the time of day even though he was wearing a watch at the time. He did not even know what planet he was on, even though his colleagues asked him what on earth he was doing getting drunk. I tell you, your honour, he did not even know his elbow from another part of his anatomy, even though each bit of his body is labelled by a tattoo.

Anyway, his colleagues and friends, Matthias and Gareth, being loyal to Tobias, did not want Pete, their boss, to find out because he would fire Tobias. They suggested he hides and sleeps it off before Pete gets back to the garage from delivering a car. But there was nowhere to hide him to get some sleep.

Then they realised that there was a hearse in the garage which had come in for a simple job to be done. Engine needed a change of oil. So they laid Tobias down on the flat bit at the back of the hearse, you know ... where they put the coffin, and they covered him up with a piece of cloth. There was no coffin in the hearse at the time, your honour.

As I said, all this happened unbeknown to me, and to Pete, because he was out on delivery.

Later that afternoon, Pete asked me if I wouldn't mind delivering the hearse to Doug M Deep and Reego Mortice, the Funeral Directors. This is because Pete was short-handed especially since everyone was busy and Tobias had not turned up for work. He had really, but he was asleep at the back of the hearse, unbeknown to Pete and me on account that we did not know about it.

Well ... as I was driving the hearse, Tobias at the back woke up ... I got such a fright and turned sharply left and ran over your cat, you honour, and landed the hearse in your duck pond disturbing a mother duck which was nesting at the time.

It was not me who was driving under the influence of drink. It was Tobias waking up from under the influence of drink.

When the police came they obviously mixed me up with Tobias by mistake and said I was driving under the influence of drink. But I assure you not a drop passed my lips that day, although several drops ran down my legs when it all happened.

I am sorry about the loss of your cat Pancake who was flattened with him being run over by the hearse. I did offer at the time to drive him to Doug M Deep and Reego Mortice, the Funeral Directors, but your wife who came out of the house on hearing the commotion said a few words which I would rather not repeat here in Court you honour.

I am also sorry for all the broken duck eggs which were in the nest at the time. I did offer to buy some more eggs from the supermarket but your wife said a few more words which I would rather not repeat to you.

I think she was upset.

So you see ... your honour, it was not me who caused the accident, but it was Tobias who caused it by waking up from what I thought he was dead, even though I did not know that he was at the back of the hearse at the time, whether dead or alive, but in fact asleep because of him having been drinking excessively the night before. Which was Friday.

And this is how I plead, your honour.

I wish to add that I did offer at the time to replace the dead cat; and your wife did say that she did not want me around the **** house purring all day and filling the litter tray with my unmentionables.

This is an excerpt from my book 

MUCH ADO ABOUT LAUGHTER

I laughed so much writing it that I wrote it sitting down.

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