Thursday 3 January 2019

Let us laugh ...

OK ... I thought I'd start with a couple of religious joke; because these days of political correctness there are so many jokes one cannot tell.

So how about a harmless joke about chickens instead. 

A man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"

The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?"

"Two years," says the man.

"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the shrink.

The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs."

Ooops ... this might upset some ladies. 

Let's try a religious joke about a chicken instead ...

A preacher goes to a farmer to buy a chicken.

"This is a Christian chicken," the farmer says eager for a sale.

"How so?" asks the preacher.

"Do you see those strings attached to its legs? When you pull the right one, she sings Amazing Grace, and when you pull on the left she sings the Hallelujah Chorus."

"Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull both strings?"

"I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!" screeched the chicken.

Of course, you can tell this joke about a parrot if you wish; speaking of which ...

A carpet layer had just finished installing a carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.

''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway. Now, if only I could find my parrot.''

Ouch ... that was cruel; and hardly in the party spirit. I like parties, don't you. Especially at this time of year. At a party last night one of the guests had a few too many and half-drunk he approached the host, Mr Ivor Rowbottom and asked him, "Tell me my good man ... do lemons have feathers do you think?

Ivor was astounded at this and said, "Of course not ... why do you ask?"

The drunk replies, "In that case I have squeezed your canary in my drink!"

All right ... I can hear you say no more cruel animal or bird jokes. Do you prefer short jokes? Quick jokes that may make you smile? 

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy negligent. That's a nightie made in Britain. "Command me," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he told her to shut up and went golfing.

Oooh ... that's a bit risquรฉ don't you think? I like golf. Many people do. Do you? 

Unfortunately, may playing golf has proved a bit of an issue at home. The other day, Christmas eve it was. It was all quiet and peaceful at about 11:30 at night when suddenly my wife started screaming "Golf ... Golf ... Golf ... That's all you speak about. That's all you do. Golf ... Always golf!" Can you imagine her shouting like that so late on Christmas eve?

I tell you. It was totally out of the blue, and I was startled out of my life. I never expected to see her on the golf course at that time of night. I was practising quietly and there she was. Shouting at the top of her voice. She put me off my game.

Marriages can be difficult and hard you know. You have to work at marriage every day if it is to succeed. Ideally, marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband. The best marriages are when one partner is slightly deaf. Also, you must choose your partner well before you marry. The best partners are archaeologists; because the older you get the more interested they are in you.

Being a Catholic I sometimes tell jokes about priests, confession and other Catholic subjects. For some reason our priest never appreciates them. For example ... when I was young, my parents had two identical parrots. They did not know which was the male and which the female. Dad was told to look in on them at night and check who was doing what to whom and this was the male; and then to put a white collar round his neck to identify him.

The following day the priest visited us and the male parrot screeched, "So they caught you at it too?"

For some reason, my priest did not like this joke when I said it at the Christmas party the other day. No sense of humour, our priest!

Did you know that there are more Catholic Churches in Las Vegas than casinos. Inevitably, some worshippers on Sundays give casino chips when the basket is passed round for collection instead of cash. The churches deal with this by collecting all the chips from the different casinos and sending them to a nearby monastery for sorting and then taken to the casino of origin to be cashed in. This job is done by chip monks.

Somehow the Catholics are often associated with playing Bingo. I used to be a Bingo caller at our church. I used to shout the numbers in Latin so only the Catholics win.

What do you call a sleep-walking bishop? A roaming Catholic.

A farmer goes to his priest and asks if he would conduct a funeral for his dead sheepdog. Obviously the priest refuses. The farmer is distraught and asks, "Tell me Father ... do you think if I go to the Anglican church down the road the vicar there would do the funeral for £100?"

The priest replies, "Wait a minute my good man ... you did not tell me the dog was Catholic!" 

I remember as a young man going to confession; it was such a long time ago. I told the priest that a young lady and I had been amorous and we were not married. It was a mortal carnal sin, I believe.

The priest was shocked out of his cassock.

"That is terrible," he said, "terrible ... terrible is the word for it. Tell me, was it with Eileen from the butcher's shop?"

"No ..." I replied.

"In that case ... was it with Sophie from the baker's down the road?" he asked again.

"No Father ... it was not her," I said hesitantly.

"Or was it with Doris who works at the candlestick maker?" he persisted.

In fact it was not with any of the young girls he mentioned but he gave me some good leads in that confession.

Keep smiling my friends. God bless.

27 comments:

  1. Thanks for the laughs, love the first cartoon

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    1. I am so glad I made you smile, Christine.

      God bless.

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    1. I hope there was at least one laugh, Kathy.

      God bless.

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  3. Very funny stuff...except the golf jokes, as a golfer I am offended.

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    1. Oh don't be offended, JoeH. Golf is good and is fun, even if interrupted by my wife at 11:30pm on Christmas eve.

      God bless.

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  5. Some good laughs here, Victor.
    Thank you!

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  6. Chip Monk---OH, VICTOR!!
    Blessings!

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  7. You left me laughing, Victor, as always! Oh, and those cartoons at the beginning are priceless. Thanks for brightening my day, my friend.
    Blessings!

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    1. It is so good to laugh, Martha. It makes us feel young and it encourages others to laugh too. For example, the other day in the pub a man slipped on some beer on the floor. I laughed and he hit me in the face. No sense of humour some people!

      God bless you, Martha.

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  8. Nice post. Happy New Year! ๐Ÿ™‚
    Following you, follow back?
    www.minniearts.com

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  9. Loved the cartoons and am still giggling at the jokes. The Bingo joke is great! Happy new year, friend!

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    1. I once put a notice on our garden gate saying "CAVE CANEM" For some reason, our dog only bit the priest when he visited us. (Latin joke).

      God bless you, Terri.

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  10. Like Terri said, the Bingo joke is hilarious! It may be damp and gloomy outdoors, but this post has sure lightened my spirits!

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    1. Hi Mevelyn. I once put a notice on our gate saying "CAVE CANEM" The priest stopped visiting us after he had learnt Latin. (Another punchline to the same joke. Hoping you smiled again.

      God bless you per sempre.

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  11. Chip monks! Ha ha ha! Fall off my perch! Ha ha ha! You crack my up!

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    1. It's good to laugh Regina. It makes me happy like a chip monk.

      God bless.

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  12. You had me laughing. Enjoyed your jokes. ๐Ÿ˜ƒ

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    1. So glad you laughed with us, Happyone.

      God bless you always.

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  13. Fantastic Funnies in this post...thank you Victor.
    It felt great to actually LOL!!!

    Blessings you dear and funnyman ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜…

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    1. It is so nice to see you laughing Jan. Hopefully we'll laugh some more throughout this year.

      God bless you and yours.

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  14. Enjoyed the cartoons Victor, thanks.

    All the best Jan

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