Saturday 26 January 2019

Film Director Diploma

I have just been awarded a Diploma as a Film Director after attending a long and extensive three days course at a local establishment of education. Let me share a few of the tricks of the trade which I have learnt from this college.

1 All action films must have a fight. Whether it is people punching and kicking each other in martial arts fashion, or a pub brawl, or a swords fight like the three musketeers. What is important to remember is that it does not matter if the hero is heavily outnumbered; the enemies will always wait patiently to attack the hero one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until the hero has knocked out their predecessors.

2 The hero must never show any pain whilst taking the most ferocious beating by his enemies; but he must always wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

3 Whenever a large pane of glass is visible on the screen, it is imperative that someone will be thrown through it.

4 All electronic timing devices must have large red readouts to add to the suspense and drama of the scene. The hero must always be seen with cold sweat on his forehead and he must always blindly choose to cut the right wire with seconds to spare.

5 In police films, the detective can only be able to solve the case once he has been suspended from duty. And he is always assigned a partner who is the total opposite in character.

6 Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, the character must always turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments to show that he is driving. He can also look sideways to the pretty woman in conversation for at least a mile without having an accident.

7 In war films the characters can survive any battle unless they show someone else a picture of their sweetheart back home. That's when you're sure they'll die.

8 In bedroom scenes it is important to have a special L-shaped sheet that reach the armpit level of the woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her. Apparently, watching male nipples is very suggestive in such scenes.

9 If staying in a haunted house, women should always investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear. Even if it is freezing outside and the wind is howling through the open windows.

Now that you have learnt as much as I have, I look forwards to watching your videos.

With this in mind, here is a video I have made. It may not win an Oscar, an Emmy or other awards but I hope you find it informative and entertaining.


22 comments:

  1. Good rules. May I addone: Always go inspecting black, mysterious holes or caves carrying only a flashligth with almost dead batteries. Never ever wait for someone else to come, or even take your time to fetch spare batteries.

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    1. Yes Uglemor. Brilliant. I forgot that rule.

      It really is very nice to see you visiting me here again, Uglemor. We would like to see you more often. Please visit again soon and often.

      God bless.

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  2. Brilliant rules, spot on. I've also noticed that in Doctor shows on TV, an innocent cough leads to something very serious. WHen I visit a hospital I won't even clear my throat.

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    1. Yes that's true, too JoeH. I noticed how in doctor shows they over dramatise the slightest symptom.

      The other day the patient had a scratch on the end of his finger and the doctors diagnosed that he was run over by an out of control speeding lorry which threw him off a cliff into the sea below where he was left floating for six weeks.

      God bless.

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  3. These are SO spot on, Victor! And funny! I remember your saying something about being a Facebook drop-out, but I wanted to share something (meme) I spotted there: "I love how in scary movies the person yells out, 'Hello?' … as if the killer is going to be like, 'Ya, I'm in the kitchen; want a sandwich?'"

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    1. Yes, that's funny too. And they always enter the house alone. If they suspect a baddie is in there why not phone for reinforcement?

      God bless you, Mevely.

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  4. All of those rules are spot on and the same rules apply to most any book I have read too. Your movie is probably not Oscar material but I enjoyed watching it! Thanks for the wisdom!

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    1. Not Oscar material? I shall have to create my own Award then!

      You are right about books too, Terri. The plot is often over exaggerated.

      God bless you.

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  5. Yep, you have those rules down pat, Victor. And I did enjoy the video you made - what a crazy story!
    Blessings!

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    1. Thank you Martha. Glad you enjoyed my drama video, or was it a horror movie?

      God bless you always.

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  6. you are hilarious...not a fan of action movies myself lol.

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    1. Well, I am glad you enjoyed this post, and my movie, Christine.

      God bless you.

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  7. I think you've got those rules correctly Victor :)

    A younger family member always enjoys James Bond films.
    Having watched a few myself the story line and plot always seems to be the same - but the film producers are certainly onto a winning franchise.

    Have a blessed weekend.

    All the best Jan

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    1. What astounds me about James Bond is that despite all the stunts in his films he is always clean, and not a tear or tiny bit of dirt in his clothes.

      God bless you, Jan.

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  8. Your descriptions cover a lot of books these days too. When I started reading this post, Chuck Norris popped in to my mind. One guy taking on a bunch of tough men and annihilating them with his fists and feet and then carrying on with a conversation with his friend like nothing happened. :)

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    1. Amazing how all these super heroes, Chuck Norris, James Bond, Simon Templar (remember him?) Danny Wilde (Tony Curtis) and Lord Brett Sinclair (Roger Moore) in the Persuaders and all the others always retain their composure even after a fight or a car chase or whatever.

      God bless you, Bill.

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  9. This is so funny because it is so true. Couldn't even pick a favorite!!

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    1. Well I am glad I made you smile, Happyone.

      God bless you.

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  10. Your course didn't cover romantic movies? Or is one that being taught next semester?

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    1. It was a three-days intensive course, Kathy. They said romantic movies will be covered in a much longer course next month.

      God bless.

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  11. Best wishes to you Victor. I have made the decision that I just cannot blog anymore...my heart isn't in it. My art blog will remain but not with the comments option. Maybe I will lose myself in my paintings. You have been very kind. I am fine and God will be watching over me.

    God's Blessings ✝

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    1. I am praying for you Jan. My e-mail address is at the top right should you ever wish to write off-line. E-mails come straight to my desk.

      God bless you and your family.

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God bless you.