Tuesday 5 March 2019

Our house ... our neighbourhood ...

My neighbour Harry has had 38 concussions in a matter of a week or so. He only lives a stone's throw away.

He is normally a well balanced man. He has a chip on each shoulder.

He often complains that his bad luck in life is due to his continuous bad health. He is such a hypochondriac that he has bought his burial plot next to a doctor's.

He used to work for the police force. His job was to trace in chalk on the ground around a body when it is found in unexplained circumstances. He was fired from the job when one day he traced round a body 25 times. He did not realise the victim was still alive and moving!

He used to jog daily to keep fit. He ran at least four miles a day. By the end of the week he'd reach the next town.

His wife on the other hand is ... very tall with long black hair going down her back. None on her head, just down her back.

She is so frightening that every time my cat sees her he loses one of his nine lives. So frightening in fact that she looks like a scarecrow. The birds have returned all the seeds they took the previous year.

The poor woman had botox surgery on her face. When they told her how much it cost she was not at all surprised.

She used to work as a typist and met a lot of interesting characters. For lunch she used to have alphabet soup.

Her great uncle died suddenly and they did not have time to say goodbye. He collapsed onto a bowl of Cheerios

Harry and her had a young son who left home to be a mime artist. They haven't heard from him since.

When their daughter announced that she was pregnant they asked her "Are you sure it's yours?"

The other night my neighbour Harry phoned me at three in the morning. Can you imagine that? At three in the morning! Luckily I was up practicing on my bagpipes.

In conversation, he complained that our dog is out in the garden barking. The following night I rang him at three in the morning and told him it was not our dog!

A few weeks back Harry complained that he was allergic to his cat's fur. So he gave him away to a friend and got himself another cat.

He went to the doctor to check on his allergy. As soon as he got in the doctor's office he asked him to lie down on the couch. Harry asked why and the doctor said he wanted to vacuum clean just where he was standing.

To test for allergy the doctor put various liquids on Harry's arm and wrote next to them what they were derived from - like house dust, animal fur and so on, to see which liquid would cause a reaction with the skin. Turned out Harry was allergic to the ink in the pen the doctor used.

When they discovered what he was allergic of, Harry had relief written all over him. His kids did it with the same pen the doctor used.

To celebrate he bought a dog, which appears to be just as stupid as you can get. To relieve himself he lifts his front leg and wonders why he is getting wet.

It's a breed I'd never heard of before. He is a pointer. He stands there and points "This is a house. A car. A bicycle ..." and so on.

And that's life in our hood.

18 comments:

  1. 'Hypochondriacs' ARE a 'pain'; but, I'm not one of them. I am REALLY 'ill' with 'conditions' in every single organ of my body: heart, lungs, liver, kidneys & bowel -- and I suspect that I'm experiencing the 'early onset' of 'dementia' -- which is probably, what causes me to enjoy your 'posts' so much!

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    1. I am so sorry to hear about your health issues, Suzanne. I am praying for you right now.

      May God bless you and comfort you.

      Delete
  2. Harry is quite an interesting neighbor, Victor. Good luck with that!!

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    1. Indeed he is. He lives miles away.

      God bless you, Terri.

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  3. I think Harry's brother lives next door to me...

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    1. I wouldn't be surprised. Is he a hypochondriac too?

      God bless you, Chris.

      Delete
  4. Now there's a neighbor I could do without, except for getting a good laugh out of it. Thanks, Victor!
    Blessings!

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    1. It's a laugh a day around our neighbourhood, Martha.

      God bless you always my friend.

      Delete
  5. Sometimes life can pair you up with the strangest neighbors. You certainly got one. Wishing you lots of luck dealing with the guy. :)

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    1. Life can be funny at times, Bill, don't you think?

      God bless you.

      Delete
  6. A crazy neighborhood indeed. I don't know why, but I can't get the sound of rim-shots out of my head.

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    1. Can you imagine; he is allergic to cat's fur, so he exchanged it for another cat.

      God bless you, JoeH.

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  7. Given your neighbor's wife, no wonder he's taken up running … away! Have you given any thought to putting your home on the market … and, oh, I don't know. Finding a castle with a large moat and drawbridge?

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    1. Actually, when we bought the house she was mentioned as an added attraction to make the neighbourhood interesting. We call her Morticia.

      God bless you, Mevely.

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  8. Do you live in the city, or in a small town, Victor? Here in our small town, we also have four legged varmints. Nasty little creatures and nuisances too!
    Blessings, My Friend!

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    1. I live in a big city on the edge of a small town. Our front garden is officially in the city, whereas our back garden is in the small town. I have two addresses depending on whether I want items (and people) delivered/visiting from the front or back door.

      God bless you, Lulu.

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  9. That is one crazy neighborhood you live in but sure good for a few laughs. :)

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    1. It's really good to laugh, Happyone.

      God bless you.

      Delete

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