Wednesday 6 March 2019

Visiting A Health Club



THIS IS A TRUE STORY

Years ago when I was a reporter for a radio station I was sent to a new Health Club which had just opened in an old country manor out in the countryside.

I took with me a young reporter trainee who had just started at the station.

We were met by the owner of the club who was most eager for the free publicity. He told us how members of this prestigious establishment could enjoy meditation session, spa and massage facilities, yoga lessons and various other programs to ensure one's good health and mental contentment.

I must admit, I had only tried yoga once before and had resolved not to practice it ever again. The intention was that by getting into all the different positions one would learn to relax and become more supple in body and mind. Rather than become more supple I discovered that my legs and arms became entangled and I was more disjointed than ever before. The only thing I had learnt from that yoga session was how to hold on to a fart for a long period of time.

Anyway, after the obligatory talk by the owner of this Health Club about the importance of being healthy and eating well we were invited to participate in a session which had just started in the Grand Hall of this ancient and prestigious manor.

We left our tape recorders and other gear and entered the Hall to discover that I was the only male there. My trainee looked at me and the smirk on her face said it all.

We were asked to join the group of “Club Members” right at the back so as not to disturb the session. There were about 30 or so women standing on tiptoe with arms stretched above their heads and listening intently to their instructor up front.

My colleague and I stood at the back and copied the same position as best as I could. I was never good at standing on tiptoe because of my big feet. Whenever I stand on my toes my head hits the ceiling!

Our instructor then said, “Relax … arms by your side for a minute or so … now assume the plough position!”

I was suddenly faced with a dozen female bottoms pointing upwards as everyone in front of me lay down on the floor lifting their legs forward and over their heads whilst arching their back as best they could.
This was more than a hot-blooded young male could handle! I was really uncomfortable; I tell you.

Why is it that women who go to these gym classes have to wear those skimpy leotards made of almost transparent material?

I tried unsuccessfully to copy the plough position much to the amusement of my colleague beside me. She bent forward and collapsed in a heap on the floor in a fit of stifled laughter.

The problem with laughter is that the more you try to stifle it the more it takes control of you and the more contagious it becomes. I tried hard not to laugh as I lay on my back and stretched my legs up in the air in a V sign formation rather than held tightly together. Because of my large stomach my legs decided for themselves to go one on either side of me no matter how much I tried to keep them together. 

The instructor then asked us all to sit on the ground cross-legged with our hands resting gently by our sides.

This is easy to do if you are slim and svelte like all the ladies in that room, including my colleague. But it is impossible in my case.

My legs just would not get crossed with each other or remain crossed. The more I tried the more I failed as I wobbled from side to side like an over inflated balloon. My failed attempts were yet another source of hilarity to my colleague as I could see from her shaking breasts that she was stifling an uncontrollable fit of the giggles. The more she looked at me the more she shook like a jelly trying not to disrupt the class.

Our leader asked us to close our eyes and hum, “Ommmmmm” continuously.

Apparently this helps you relax better, or in my case forget the pain in my abdomen as a result of sitting in this unnatural position. Why not let us hum whilst lying down on an easy chair with a nice cool Guinness in hand?

As I hummed quietly I noticed an echo from somewhere. My stomach was gurgling in tune to my uncomfortableness. As I wobbled from left to right the echo from within accompanied my every movement which led to my friend giggling a little louder.

“That’s right …” said the instructor, hearing the noise from the back, “breathe in deeply as you hum!”

My friend giggled even more to the rhythmic rumblings of my insides. I have never been pregnant, my friends, but I assure you I could feel the movements of my little baby within as I wobbled to and fro.

Our next instruction, for reasons far beyond my understanding, was to lie flat facing downwards on the ground with our legs wide open – a sort of Y shape if you could imagine that.

As I lay facing down I could see from the corner of my eye that my friend’s giggles had turned into uncontrolled laughter.

“Stop it!” I whispered sideways.

“I can’t,” she said, “your nose pointing down looks like a woodpecker trying to drill a hole into the parquet floor!”

Now that’s not a nice thing to say is it? So personal too.

A few more exercises later and the ordeal was finally over. I can assure you I’ve never been to a Health Club since.

16 comments:

  1. And, Victor, that is why I don't go to health clubs anymore! LOL The visuals are just too funny, my friend!

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    1. Well ... at the time, they were not so funny to me.

      God bless you, Terri.

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  2. And I fully understand why you'd never want to darken the door of one of those places again, Victor! I do work out at the local gym, but that doesn't involve sticking my butt in the air - lol!
    Blessings!

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    1. I was right at the back of the room, Martha, and butts is all I could see; whether they were bending forwards to touch their toes, or doing the plough position.

      God bless you.

      Delete
  3. Precisely why I've never attempted yoga! Trying all those differing positions reminds me trying to hold a golf club correctly. Then once aligned, the pro had the nerve to say, 'relax.' (And no. I certainly do NOT play golf!)

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    1. I understand Mevely. Some of those positions I had to try were not relaxing at all. You need to be double jointed to do them.

      God bless you always.

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  4. So that's why most of the men are in the back of the room...
    Enjoyed the story, as always, Victor. Thanks for the chuckle :)

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    1. We were put at the back by the manager/owner so as not to disturb the class. But it disturbed me all right !!!!!

      God bless you, Chris.

      Delete
  5. Too funny, Victor. I haven't had the pleasure to attend a health club and after reading about your experience, I think I will never go to one.

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    1. That was the only time I went to a Health Club, Bill. I went to interview the manager and did not realise I'd end up in the gym.

      God bless you.

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  6. Replies
    1. I didn't at the time either, Susan.

      God bless you.

      Delete
  7. FUNNY!
    I've tried yoga but it is just not for me. I'll stick to my walking! :)

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    1. I found all those positions so painful, Happyone. Why bother?

      God bless.

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  8. "The only thing I had learnt from that yoga session was how to hold on to a fart for a long period of time." I attend yoga classes ocasionally, and I don't think I've ever made it through one without hearing someone pass gas. Thankfully it's never been me :-)

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    1. Good point, Kathy. I really never expected that when I entered that yoga session. As soon as the exercises started I felt something strange going on inside me.

      God bless you.

      Delete

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God bless you.