Tuesday 19 May 2020

Getting old is easy


Getting old is easy. All you have to do is keep living.

Right now it seems there is a great divide between the young and the old. Resentment even. The young consider the older generation as responsible for all the ills in the world today. The truth is that the world has always had its difficult time. Every generation it seems went through a crisis or more. And I don't remember me blaming the previous generation for inventing nuclear bombs, or the Cold War, or the Iron Curtain, or the Berlin Wall, or those dreary small screen black and white TVs.

Anyway, what exactly is old? When I was young I considered anyone over 35 as being old. But is that so? Or is it over 40, or 50, 60 or more?

There's some advantage to growing old, and, let's call it retired to give a focus on what age we're talking about.

For a start, once you're old you can not care any more. I'm quite an expert at it. I find I care less about more and more things every day. In fact I consider myself a professor in non-caring. I should run courses and give out diplomas in non-caring.

Also, once you're old you can behave any way you like, within reasons, and people will think you're eccentric. For example, you can wear tatty clothes and a pullover with a hole in it and no one seems to mind, as long as it's clean of course. Men can pull up their trousers all the way to their nipples and hold it in place with a tight belt as well as braces and it's acceptable. I have a friend who dresses just like that with a jacket with those leather patches at the elbow. Never understood those patches in jackets myself. He always wears a brightly coloured tartan shirt, red, yellow or even orange. Trousers pulled up high revealing white socks and sandals. He has teeth like the Ten Commandments; all broken. And always with a pipe in mouth. Now that's not very modern or fashionable is it? I've not seen any one smoking a pipe for ages. But he does. I think he is a sex symbol for women who do not care.

Despite his age his brain is as sharp as a pin. But he acts eccentric as a way of giving the finger to the world. And why not? He deserves it and should be allowed his moment of joy rather than feeding on the daily diet of bad news they serve on TV these days.

He has bought a cell-phone which he hardly uses. He keeps it switched on in case his wife or grown-up children ring him, and also for emergencies. But he also has fun with it. I witnessed it.

On the bus one day he took out his cell phone and pretended to dial. Then he started talking not too loud but loud enough he could be heard. He said things like "I think we should buy as many shares in this Company as we can afford. They've invented a cure for excess hairs growing out of one's ears you know. The ointment can be used for other un-wanted hair too in delicate places. Buy me about £300,000 worth please."

You should have seen the faces of the other passengers thinking they were sharing the bus with a millionaire.

Unfortunately, half-way through his pretend conversation the cell-phone rang as someone called him. He did not lose his cool. Without batting an eye-lid he said to his pretend conversation, "I'll have to go now. I have another call coming in on my other line!" Then he pressed a button and answered the real call. Now that's cool don't you think?

And he says the funniest things without seeming to care. The other day we were at the supermarket. I help carry his shopping.

As we were at the check-out, a woman standing behind us in line as we were paying for our goods, started a conversation just to be friendly. She saw a bag of "Woof Woof" dog food, and asked him: "Do you have a dog?"

I know he has a small dog, but he replied, "No ... this is for me. I am on a dog diet. I probably should stop because the last time I did it I ended in Intensive Care in Hospital."

I was puzzled at his response, and she was intrigued and asked him to explain.

He said that essentially dog food is the perfect diet which is nutritionally complete. He puts some "Woof Woof" pellets in his pocket and whenever he is hungry he eats a few.

By this time everyone in the queue was listening attentively.

Horrified, she asked him if he ended up in Intensive Care because the dog food had poisoned him.

"No ..." he replied, "I just stepped off the curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me!"

I could not keep a straight face, but had to, to give credence to his story which he related as seriously as the occasion demanded.

He resents having to go to the doctors or nurses for regular check-ups. He knows it is for his own good, but he logically confides that going to the hospital reminds him that there is something wrong with him. He told me he particularly dislikes a matronly type of nurse which he had to visit on a regular basis to check his blood pressure. The visit, once a week, lasts about 15 minutes or so but it seems like a lifetime to him. She always has a friendly, but seemingly patronising comment to make. Like, "My my we are putting on weight aren't we? I think we should diet!"

He replied, "I'll dye mine pink, which colour will you dye yours?"

She did not understand his joke and tried to explain what a diet is.

On another occasion she mentioned the fact that his clothes, albeit clean, are not colour coordinated. A red tartan shirt does not go with green corduroy trousers apparently.

The following visit he smeared a little yoghurt on his shoulder. Just enough to be visible. When he entered her insulting room he apologised that his parrot had diarrhoea. She stupidly asked where was the parrot. He replied, "I've sent him home to get cleaned up and have a shower!"

So there you have it. If you consider yourself old, remember that you are not. You are just mature enough to know how not act mature and to have fun at the world's expense.

God bless you, whatever age you are.

28 comments:

  1. i saw the title on Feedly and thought I know what I'm going to say. Then you stole my thunder with your very first sentence. :) While I find getting older a challenge in some ways, especially physical as the aches and pains become achier and painier, I long to have a full and rich life...no matter how old I get to be.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. "I intend to live forever, or die trying." as Groucho Marx said.

      "Yes, the pain gets worse. But I long to have a full and rich life" as Bill cycleguy said.

      God bless, Bill.

      Delete
  2. I LOVE this! But now I'm wondering how you happened to get a glance at our post-retirement/quarantine closet. :)
    Hmmm, I never recall blaming my parents generation for anything … only believing they were hopelessly dimwitted. (Funny, how the older I grew the smarter they became.)
    Oh ya, I totally remember what, in my youth, we considered old. "Never trust anyone over 30." Tho' I'm statistically 'elderly' and no longer apply cosmetics to go check the mail, my mind hasn't quite grasped that.

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    1. That's the sad thing, Mevely. Today's moaning generation is too quick to blame the older generations for their troubles. A bunch of Moaner Lisa the lot of them.

      God bless.

      Delete
  3. My daughter texted me a picture from her friend. Her friend's mother couldn't find her glasses and was bothering the family all day to look for them. Then she took her banana bread out of the oven. And there on the top, baked down into the bread, was her glasses. Getting old is inevitable. And on we go!

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    1. She made a spectacle of herself.

      God bless, Diane.

      Delete
  4. We can't help getting older, Victor, but we can make sure we have lots of laughs and make the best of things as we age. And the older I get, I realize I don't have to please anyone but God.
    Blessings!

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    1. As best we can, we need to retain our sense of humour as we get older.

      God bless, Martha.

      Delete
  5. As you get older, the things we were bothered by fall to the wayside. Then you wonder why the heck you even cared about that back in the day. Older, wiser and less time for BS. :)

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    1. So right, Bill. We seem to spend our lives worrying about things that never happen anyway.

      God bless always.

      Delete
  6. Oh, my goodness!! I laughed till I cried!! By the way, I might appear to have aged, but I'm still only 45. Thank you for brightening my day!

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    1. So glad to make you laugh, Cathy. It keeps us young at heart.

      God bless you.

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  7. So funny!!
    Every new decade I reach the next one is old!! I'm nearing the end of the 60's now.

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    Replies
    1. You're right Happyone. Every decade seems different somehow.

      God bless.

      Delete
  8. I use it. When on the phone trying to order something or straighten a problem out, the other person often has attitude. I play the old man card and act all cute and stupid, they almost always change the attitude and are extra helpful. Sometimes you get better results being old and slow than being cranky. Mrs. C says I have no shame.

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    1. I think we are very much the same, JoeH. I too have no shame. But it gets things done.

      God bless.

      Delete
  9. When I was younger I spent a lot of energy worrying about what people thought of me. Now I could care less.

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    1. Good strategy, Kathy. What others think of us is their own problem, not ours.

      God bless you.

      Delete
  10. Old is always ten years older than whatever age you are now.

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    Replies
    1. Good point. I'll remember that when I am old.

      God bless, Mimi.

      Delete
  11. Thanks for the laugh, Victor! As I get older, I've noticed that I am invisible to anyone under 50. Since I don't care, I would like one of those diplomas, Professor:)

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    1. I would certainly send you a diploma Chris; but I don't care enough.

      Sorry ... silly joke about not caring. Of course I care for you very much. Keep smiling. God bless always.

      Delete
  12. Oh belly laughing....and I know why....I'm old!! This was a delightful story, and the dog story cracked me up. To tell you the truth... I love being old. I've never felt better or enjoyed life more. I only wish this Covid-19 was over so they would open up the pool!!

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    1. We are all as old as we want to be and feel, Wanda.I've been told I never grow up; and should act my age!

      God bless you always.

      Delete
  13. Try as many seem to, we can't help getting older.
    Whatever our age we should embrace life, enjoy life, make every moment count … I do my best to do that.

    All the best Jan

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    1. Embracing and enjoying life sounds good to me, Jan. Also, not caring so much.

      God bless always.

      Delete

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