Monday 26 October 2020

Alfonse Aubergine


I went to hospital yesterday. I was visiting Alfonse Aubergine. A French friend of mine. 

Now before you start thinking ... I don't want you to assume that I categorise my friends according to their nationality. The French, the Italians and so on. I said French on account of his name being Alfonse Aubergine. It means small hostel; from auberge meaning hostel. 

Had his name been Giuseppe Broccoli, I would have mentioned he's Italian. It's by way of conversation ... you know ... Angus McDonald for instance would be a farmer by trade. 

Anyway, where was I before you interrupted my thoughts? I wish you'd stop doing that. It takes me ages to think what I'm about to write.

I can hear you, you know. When I'm writing I can hear your thoughts say, "Why did he mention Alfonse is French? Did he think we'd assume he is Greek or Swedish with a name like that?"

Well, I was going to tell you that his cousin is called Marcel Ratatouille, but I won't bother now in case you make an issue of it as well. 

Also, when in France he stayed at a hostel run by Madame Leggert. But I won't mention that either.  

In fact, I'll have you know that I love the French. 

A few years ago I was in Paris on holiday and I hit my head against a low door entrance at a restaurant and ended up in hospital. 

The doctor asked me, "Did you not see the sign saying low door"? 

I replied that I did but I could not read French.

The doctor in question was called Dr Michelin. For some reason he was always tired. Maybe he worked too much.

There's a lot of other things I was going to tell you about the French. But I will not now, in case you comment about it. 

So as I was saying, I visited Alfonse Aubergine in hospital yesterday. He is about 80 years old. Not too steady on his feet and he suffers from vertigo. His wife says he hates heights and gets dizzy by just putting his socks on. Maybe he should wash them more often. 

But to continue; he'd come round my home that very morning to help me clean the rain gutters up on the roof. He insisted on going up the ladder to do the job. 

Being the cautious type, I was going to do the job myself, but readily agreed when he volunteered. I thought that if he'd happen to fall off the ladder I could easily run away so he doesn't land on me. 

As it happened he did fall.

He landed right into the pyracantha bush. You know, the one with red berries and many thorns. You should have heard him scream in pain. Totally out of tune he was. No wonder he's not in the church choir with a voice like that.

At the hospital a couple of nurses spent ages taking the thorns out of his backside. I was told by one of the nurses that his whole back is full of spots from where he was hurt by the thorns. 

If you join all the spots together with a pencil you get a picture which you can then colour with colouring pencils. 

His wife likes colouring books; so she'll have a good time colouring him when he gets home. She was there in hospital with a box full of small pots of paint. Maybe she'd paint him instead. 

Portrait of Alfonse as an old man.

Whilst in hospital Alfonse was tested for various allergies. The doctor put various liquids on his arm and wrote next to them what they were derived from - like house dust, animal fur and so on, to see which liquid would cause a reaction with the skin. Turned out he was allergic to the ink in the pen the doctor used. 

Better check the paints his wife brought too, I guess.

Anyway, Alfonse is back home now. His wife tells me he has a beautiful painting on his back, but did not tell me what painting it was. 

I wonder if it is a painting of a nude ... you know, like the old masters used to paint nudes. Rubens, Manet and the others. It would be the first painting of a nude painted on a nude body.

I wonder if it's a painting of the Mona Lisa on his backside. That should bring a smile to her face. 

Have you got any paintings on your back?

21 comments:

  1. Thankfully, no paintings on my back or anywhere else for that matter! Another humorous anecdote, to be sure, Victor.
    Blessings!

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    1. I felt sorry when he fell amongst the thorns; but glad it was not me.

      God bless, Martha.

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  2. ...my friend, I believe that you are a bit confused by the source of your thought interruptions!

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    1. My thoughts often get interrupted by my readers. That is why my books are never in audio format, Tom.

      God bless always.

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  3. None that I know of! I'm not as quick with the witticisms this morning, but must say this story brought smiles to my face more than once!

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    1. You got to laugh, Mevely. The world is too sad at the moment. You're always welcome here to share a smile or two.

      God bless, my friend.

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  4. Dearest Victor,
    Knowing that you entertain us with stories, this is not nearly as painful to imagine as it could have been!
    No eighty year old is supposed to climb any tall ladder... I won't clean out our gutters anymore after having had a double 'closed' (luckily!) pelvic bone fracture.
    Got my painting on the side of my thigh for quite a while, a nasty hematoma and such paintings are not nice.
    We could have been flooded out over the weekend as the big pipe of water from the water company, alongside the road, leaked. Pieter's calling on Wednesday did not result in anything. Sure enough during the weekend we had to start using the wet vac again as water was coming through the foundation and any crevices, into the house... So I called again, as Pieter had done numerous times. They claimed to have a 24/7 emergency but you only got a beep - no help. BUT I suddenly got a human voice. A she, and she started yelling at me pretty soon, telling me that any broken water pipe in the house was MY responsibility. I said, EXCUSE me?! It is your pipe, alongside the road and if you want to force us to take legal action, okay. She grumbling said she would connect me with their technician. That was a grumpy male on Sunday, who got bothered with God knows what...?! He too started barking the question of how the water could come into our home. I calmly replied: 'It runs...' So he said somebody would come to look at it. Sure enough a kind and knowledgeable person came and he was shocked for finding our yard being soaked and water everywhere. He suggested that Pieter take enough photos to show our home insurance for letting them fight about the damage and the mold it causes... We definitely ought not be caught in the middle of this. Around noon they showed up with equipment an are working at it. Digging big holes in our lawn but this is the 3rd time and that too will 'heal' with time...
    So your story was a funny was on an otherwise rather bleak Monday with all this. Cloudy with some sunshine and 26°C so that is okay!
    Hugs,
    Mariette

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    1. I am so sorry Mariette to hear about all your problems with a burst pipe and having to deal with the water company. I sympathise with you. Some companies are difficult to deal with. Here too it is often like that.

      I pray you do not suffer any structural damage to the house; or any damage to furniture and belongings. Hopefully it will be sorted out soon. Please keep us informed.

      Praying for you all. God bless.

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    2. Still working on it Victor, a dirty job for some and the water pipe appears to be just below the pipe for electricity... One can only admire people that have to juggle such difficult and dirty jobs. Man deep in the mud, and running inside his boots... Poor guy!
      Let's hope we soon have water. The lawn crew came but our 'swampy' lawn cannot be mowed right now. Needs to dry up a couple of days. Sorry for them, they're hard working people from Mexico that live here.
      Life goes on...
      Hugs,
      Mariette

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    3. Thank you for the up-date, Mariette. Yes, those workers do work very hard. I remember watching them when they built the extension to our house; laying electric cables, phone lines, and various pipes. Then I put a grass lawn on top and now it looks OK.

      God bless always.

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  5. LOL, So he was allergic to the ink that the doctor used.
    I had one of those tests years ago to find the reason for a rash I had. No luck but another doctor tried something else and had no luck either. I stopped going to doctors for the rash and it finally went away. :)

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    1. You were probably allergic to doctors, Bill. They were the cause of the rash. I'm allergic to doctors too. They frighten the **** out of me.

      One of them asked me, "Do you have trouble passing water?"

      I said, "Yes, I get dizzy when crossing a river on a bridge!"

      He asked me, "What are the symptoms?"

      I told him they were yellow cartoon characters on TV.

      He then asked me, "How is your libido?"

      I replied, "I've given up on that Italian car; now I have a BMW!"

      God bless.

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  6. No paintings on my back or my front, and no tattoos, either. There's just no good way to explain a tattoo to a grandchild if i ever have one.

    And i like the saying, If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being bullheaded about it.

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    1. Yes I don't understand tattoos either Mimi.

      I get so tired of trying though.

      God bless you.

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  7. Yikes! Those pyracantha thorns can be really problematic.

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    1. Yes , that's why I let him go up the ladder!

      God bless, Kathy.

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  8. No, I have no paintings on my back, however; I did paint my face to look like a Geisha girl for a costume party. Turns out that I was the belle of ball, especially with the gentlemen!!! I like your sense of humor, Victor. God bless.

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    1. I'm certain you were very beautiful as a Geisha girl, Nells. I'm so pleased you enjoy my writings. Thank you so much dear friend.

      God bless always.

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