My wife insisted I wear a nice suit and clean my shoes. Women tend to look at men's shoes. It says a lot about you if your shoes are not clean. And brush your hair. And your teeth. And no it is not OK to go in jeans and T shirt. You don't want her to think I'm easily satisfied with any old hobo for a husband. And none of your stupid silly jokes. No one laughs at them anyway. They only smile to be polite or out of pity. Just be yourself. On second thoughts no ... don't be yourself. That's the problem with you. Being yourself makes people wonder why I ever married you. I was not that desperate you know. My mother told me I could do better. Just ... just ... be normal. Be like any other person. No it is not boring to be normal. On second thoughts it is perhaps better not to meet her at all. Look ... you meet her and you'd better behave or else I'll kill you. Honest to God, I can't take you anywhere. Even on your own I can't take you anywhere.
Anyway, I did meet up with Mini. She was as beautiful as when I last met her at the school reunion a couple of days earlier. We met at a local very posh hotel where they serve English tea with triangular sandwiches and scones with jam and clotted cream. You can choose Earl Grey, or Darjeeling or many other teas including herbal teas and such. Coffee too.
All went well at first until I accidentally put the cup of coffee down on the edge of the saucer and the coffee went all over the table and into my lap. It was very hot. I pretended not to mind as I wiped myself with the serviette. As I picked up the serviette there was a plate with some biscuits which fell to the ground and broke with a big noise. Everyone was looking at us. The waitress was kind and helped pick up the broken pieces of plate and biscuits from the floor. As I got up I stepped on her fingers. She let out a yelp like a wounded animal. Another waiter came to help. They cleaned the floor quickly. As I sat down again my bottom missed the chair and I landed on the floor.
Apart from that it all went well, as I said. The meeting with Mini that is. I did my best to always look her in the eye and no lower. Did I mention she became an accountant? I can't remember much else she said, although I can still see her in my mind. I think she said she was married. Oh yes ... she must be ... she has two children ... a boy and a girl ... or is it two girls ... or two boys ... she did mention Terri ... is that a boy's name or a girl's name ... or is it her husband ... perhaps it's her dog's name. I remember saying we had a tortoise as a pet named Speedy Gonzales on account it was very slow. She smiled at that. It was not a polite smile like my wife said. I think she appreciated my humour. I hope people do ... I am not boring am I with my jokes?
Anyway ... she said we should keep in touch. She lives far away in a city in Wales. She said she made the trip especially for the school reunion. She was glad she did. She met up with many dear friends. I hope she meant me ... one of her friends. She must have ... seeing she suggested we meet for coffee and that we keep in touch.
When I told my wife what happened she said I am a disgrace. Pouring coffee all over myself, stepping on the waitress' fingers and falling to the floor. She said I did it on purpose to attract attention to myself. I always attract attention to myself, she said. She wished she had not encouraged me to meet up with Mini. I can't be taken anywhere, even alone. My wife did not think my Speedy Gonzales joke was funny.