Friday 16 October 2020

Did you write?

 

Phone rings. Telephone-answering machine. Female voice.

Your call cannot be taken at the moment. Please leave your name and number after the tone. BEEEP ...
 
Hello Vic ... it's aunt Elma again speaking to your damn answering machine. I swear you do it deliberately so you don't speak to me directly. It's always on when you're at work, or out shopping or whatever.
 
Why don't you give me your cell phone number so I can phone you at work?
 
Anyway ... I am phoning to thank you for writing to your uncle Jim about him moving into the garage for this past week. You did write to him ... did you?

(Pause).

How silly of me ... I forgot I was talking to your answering machine. You must have an old model. Why not buy a machine that answers back when asked a question?

Anyway ... your uncle Jim has realised what a stupid stubborn fool he's been and has given up living in the garage and has come in back into the house again. Ha ... Ha ... I knew he wouldn't last more than a few days out there ...

But I showed him who is the boss ... as soon as he got back home, I packed a small suitcase and I moved in the garage myself. I showed him that I will not live with him any more ...

He said nothing and parked his big fat backside on the couch and watched TV all evening. I could see him from the garage window. Watching sports and eating pizza.

Of course I go back into the house whenever I need the little girl's room ... you know ... the bathroom. Or when I need the shower ... or when I need to put my face cream on before going to sleep. I also go into the house for doing the cooking and the washing ... also to vacuum clean because he is as lazy as a ... as a ... what is the name of that lazy animal that hangs off trees? A marmoset ... no ... a sloth ... 
 
I also leave him some cooking ... he likes the way I do lasagne or my hot pot ... if I don't cook for your lazy uncle he'd eat pizza every day. The pizza delivery man has been here so often he is practically one of the family.
 
Anyway ... I've been in the garage for three days now. I'll admit it is a bit cold at night. But don't tell Jim ... I'd hate him to think he's winning. Let him suffer in the house all alone. Him and his TV and pizza ... and country records ... the other day he played Willie Nelson's song ... You left a long long time ago ...  

He played it over and over again that I know all the words by heart. I think he misses me ... you know ...

I think I' get back in the house and make up with him ... I've got to make sure he feeds well you know ... also ... there's a big spider in the garage and I don't like spending another night in the garage with him ... ... ... but don't tell Jim I told you.

22 comments:

  1. I'm really getting attached to your Aunt Elma, Victor. What a great character she is!
    Blessings!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. She's as mad as my Australian Aunt Gertrude.

      God bless, Martha.

      Delete
  2. Move over Lucy and Desi -- Elma and Jim need their own sitcom! Don't tell Elma, but eating pizza every day sounds wonderful!

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    Replies
    1. Yes, I remember the Lucille Ball shows on TV. My family seems to have them in real life. As I was saying to Martha, with Aunt Gertrude we also have the Australian version too.

      God bless, Mevely.

      Delete
  3. Your relations are quite the bunch aren't they? :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. ...this marriage was made in heaven.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Cute story! The adventures of Aunt Elma! LOL

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes Amelia. I never know what she'll phone about next.

      God bless you.

      Delete
  6. I don't know why, but the name Aunt Elma seems to fit these stories so well.
    Mevely said "Elma and Jim need their own sitcom" ... now there's a thought :)

    All the best Jan

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. When I write my stories I think for a long time for appropriate names. Unless I get the right name for the characters the story does not ring true somehow. Hence (eventually) Elma and Jim, and my Australian Aunt Gertrude.

      God bless, Jan.

      Delete
  7. Aunt Elma and the answering machine series continues...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. BEEEEP ... I think she has just phoned again ...

      God bless, Happyone.

      Delete
  8. Delightful post, Sir. Evokes multiple reflections and laughs. Thanks for visiting "Invalid's Workshop" I've put you on its right-margin blogroll.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much Geo. I hope you visit us here again. There's plenty to read and you're amongst friends.

      God bless you.

      Delete
  9. Ah, they're back together. I love a happy ending.

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    Replies
    1. So glad you enjoyed this episode, Kathy.

      God bless.

      Delete
  10. Dearest Victor,
    Love this 'tight circle' lifestyle and narrow mindedness I might add. Guess it is all too common!
    Why can't she embrace that one big spider?!
    Hugs,
    Mariette

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's the problem with arguments and entrenched positions, Mariette. Everyone believes that they are right and the other person is wrong.

      God bless you.

      Delete
  11. Yes, they need a marriage counselor, before one of them decided to stay in the garage.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They are trying to find a marriage counsellor that meets in the garage!

      God bless, Mimi.

      Delete

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