A man stopped me in the street and said, "Hey ... you're that man from television, aren't you?"
I was taken aback. Before I said anything he continued, "I've seen you on TV many times!"
"I assure you I have never been on TV," I said.
"Of course you have!" he confirmed enthusiastically, "can I have your autograph please? Here, can you sign this packet of corn flakes? It's all I have that can be signed on. I don't have an autograph book because I never meet famous people and celebrities."
"Look," I said gently, "I am not a famous celebrity. I am no body. You have me mistaken for someone else!"
"Of course you're on TV," he insisted, "you're on that program I can't remember what it's called. Last week you were talking about aubergines. I told my wife then I don't really like you. But now I met you, I'd like your autograph on this corn flakes packet!"
"I can't possibly sign a corn flakes packet. What do you want my signature for anyway? You've just said you don't like me, even though I am not me ... or rather, I am not the person under whose misconception you believe I am!" I said, pausing to take breath after such a long sentence.
"I can sell it on E Bay" he replied.
Now I tell you, I don't even know who this E Bay fellow is. Is he an autographs collector by any chance? It would be interesting to know how much my autograph would sell for. Or rather the autograph of the person I am supposed to be; seeing he has not even told me who it is he is imagining me to be.
I am often confused by people for someone else famous. I was once mistaken for Don Williams at a concert I attended in London, and on another occasion two young ladies were convinced I was Jennifer Aniston.
On neither occasion did I sign any autographs.
But this man insisted I signed his corn flakes package. To get rid of him I just scribbled something unreadable and he was pleased with that. He thanked me profusely and left.
I wonder who I am?