I'm good at mathematics. I rang our radio station recently. They ran a competition to attract new listeners; just like me trying to attract new readers. They said "on air" - Congratulations. You are our first caller today. Just answer a simple question and you win our grand prize!
I was overwhelmed and beside myself at the same time. I asked, "What's the prize?"
They said, "It's a simple mathematics question. Get it right and you win two VIP tickets to a Justin Bieber concert and you get to meet him backstage afterwards. What is 2+2?"
I replied, "7".
Anyway, back to more mundane matters. We went to the zoo last week. We had visitors from overseas and as a treat we went to an open-air zoo. The animals are not in cages but they are left to roam free in large enclosures and the public gets to see them as if they're in the wild.
I don't particularly like zoos. I think zoos should only contain a few animals - the lion, tiger, monkey, elephant and giraffe. No need for any more. That's all that people are interested in. Who cares about the horned toad or the lesser spotted butterfly? Just put the few animals I mentioned in a zoo and that's all you need.
As I was saying, we went to the zoo. Whilst there my mother-in-law got bitten by a snake. What a tragedy that was. We all panicked. We called the zoo keepers, they called the medics, who called an ambulance ... sadly, after a couple of hours of horrible writhing agony the snake died.
On the way out we called at the gift shop. They had the usual selection of toys. Cuddly bears, lions, tigers and all sorts of animals which you can cuddle and take with you to bed if you are that way inclined. I asked the shop assistant, "Have you got a toy mosquito?"
She looked puzzled. I explained, "I'm not interested in a toy lion or tiger ... I want a mosquito, or perhaps a fly ... they are animals too you know. I saw one on a rotting apple in the monkey's enclosure. Why do you have toy monkeys but not toy flies?"
She called security so we left hurriedly.
Ironically, as we were leaving I got bitten by an insect at the back of the neck. It got inflamed and very sore. We drove to the nearest medical centre. As a precaution they gave me several injections in my bottom ... just in case ... not Justin Bieber.
Which goes to prove: Always wear clean underwear because you never know when you'll show your backside to perfect strangers.