Visit to the zoo

 

You know how it's like. If you have young ones in the family there will also be a visit to the zoo. 

I don't like zoos. I know they do a lot of good work with preservation of rare species, education, breeding and so on. I find them boring because of the sheer number of exhibits one has to visit and admire. 

For example snakes - they sit there motionless in a glass tank in what looks like their natural habitat and you stop and gawp for a few minutes before moving on to the next snake of different size or colour. Then the next one, and the next, and so on. 

Same with insects; you look at the stick insect, then the centipede, the cockroach, the earwig and the next insect and so on. 

Another motionless creature is the penguin. They all stand there beside their pool looking at you looking at them. A friend of mine used to work in the penguin enclosure. Apparently, when an air-plane flies by very high in the sky, usually very slowly because of its height, all the penguins look up with their beaks in the air and they follow the trajectory of the plane as it flies slowly overhead. As they lean back ever more they fall over on their back. My friend used to come out and pick them up again.

Then there's the giraffe. What a silly looking animal with such long legs and a head up in the cloud with a superiority complex. I'm not sure what it's so proud about. A word of advice my friends. If you're ever in the zoo do not stand too close to the giraffe's barrier separating you from the animal. Should it relieve itself you won't smell so good afterwards as well as being wet.

I think zoos should only have five animals. The rest are a total unnecessary waste. Children go to zoos to see the lion, the tiger, the elephant, the giraffe and of course the monkeys. The rest are not important. 

Who really cares about going to the zoo and seeing a tortoise? Or a frog? Or snakes?

In one enclosure there was a solitary pig and the notice on the metal barrier "Gloucestershire Old Spots". It explained that it was a rare breed and the zoo were trying to get them to breed and save them from extinction through artificial insemination. I noticed that this lone pig had only three legs, so I asked his keeper who was there cleaning the cage whether the pig had been injured. "No," he replied, "when you have such a rare pig you don't eat him all at once!"

No trip to the zoo is complete without the obligatory visit to the gift shop. They had all kinds of toys. Cuddly bears and lions and tigers, as well as masks of various creatures, and model animals and this and that. 

I asked the assistant if she had a stuffed toy fly. She looked at me with the same air of puzzlement you'd get from a penguin. I explained that I had seen a fly on an apple earlier on in the birds' enclosure and I would like as a souvenir of my visit to the zoo to purchase a stuffed toy fly. She asked the manageress who assured me that there is not much demand for such toys and would a toy hippopotamus do instead? How stupid can they get? Have you ever seen a hippopotamus buzzing around a half-eaten apple?

This and that ...

 

Not much to report today. I thought I might as well touch base and say hello to my (few) readers. Did you know ... if each reader here invites another reader we'd have more readers here. It's simple mathematics.

I'm good at mathematics. I rang our radio station recently. They ran a competition to attract new listeners; just like me trying to attract new readers. They said "on air" - Congratulations. You are our first caller today. Just answer a simple question and you win our grand prize!

I was overwhelmed and beside myself at the same time. I asked, "What's the prize?"

They said, "It's a simple mathematics question. Get it right and you win two VIP tickets to a Justin Bieber concert and you get to meet him backstage afterwards. What is 2+2?"

I replied, "7".

Anyway, back to more mundane matters. We went to the zoo last week. We had visitors from overseas and as a treat we went to an open-air zoo. The animals are not in cages but they are left to roam free in large enclosures and the public gets to see them as if they're in the wild.

I don't particularly like zoos. I think zoos should only contain a few animals - the lion, tiger, monkey, elephant and giraffe. No need for any more. That's all that people are interested in. Who cares about the horned toad or the lesser spotted butterfly? Just put the few animals I mentioned in a zoo and that's all you need.

As I was saying, we went to the zoo. Whilst there my mother-in-law got bitten by a snake. What a tragedy that was. We all panicked. We called the zoo keepers, they called the medics, who called an ambulance ... sadly, after a couple of hours of horrible writhing agony the snake died.

On the way out we called at the gift shop. They had the usual selection of toys. Cuddly bears, lions, tigers and all sorts of animals which you can cuddle and take with you to bed if you are that way inclined. I asked the shop assistant, "Have you got a toy mosquito?"

She looked puzzled. I explained, "I'm not interested in a toy lion or tiger ... I want a mosquito, or perhaps a fly ... they are animals too you know. I saw one on a rotting apple in the monkey's enclosure. Why do you have toy monkeys but not toy flies?"

She called security so we left hurriedly.

Ironically, as we were leaving I got bitten by an insect at the back of the neck. It got inflamed and very sore. We drove to the nearest medical centre. As a precaution they gave me several injections in my bottom ... just in case ... not Justin Bieber.

Which goes to prove: Always wear clean underwear because you never know when you'll show your backside to perfect strangers.

Zoo Keeper's Report

 

NAME: Dumbo SPECIES: Elephantidae (Elephant)

Dumbo, you had a productive year this year and the good news is that you are still one of the main attractions in the zoo accounting for 87% of visits to your enclosure compared to other animals. However, let's face it, you have nothing new to offer except just standing there swinging your trunk left and right. You lack initiative and originality. I expect you to fly in the coming year.

NAME: Humphrey SPECIES: Genus Camelus (Camel)

OK Humphrey, I think we have worn out that joke about your name. What do you call a camel with three humps? Ha ha ... We need to change the notice on your enclosure to something more original. Any ideas? Why don't you chew on that and come up with suggestions? And every now and then take a bath or a shower. You smell like a camel's armpit!

NAME: Lammy SPECIES: Lama Glama (Llama)

We've discussed this before and you are on your final warning, Lammy. For some reason you are still a major attraction in this zoo, which is what saves you from becoming a steak at our next barbecue. However, you still insist on spitting on the visitors and often in the face. This is hardly conducive to good customer relations, is it? I will admit it is funny; especially that time when you spat in that fat woman's ice cream and she did not notice it and licked it clean. But the joke has gone too far. Stop spitting or else!

NAME: Reeno SPECIES: Rhinocerotidae (Rhino)

Look Reeno, you are so thick skinned it's unbelievable. It's as if nothing gets through to you. If I have told you once I have told you a million times. Will you stop leaving your excrement deposits in the enclosure in full view of the public. It smells to high Heaven, it attracts flies, and it confuses visitors. The other day some people thought they were molehills and wondered why they could not see any moles. Just go and do your business behind the bushes where I showed you by example.

NAME: Baloo SPECIES: Ursidae (Bear)

You certainly are an attraction Baloo. People still visit your enclosure to see the Disney character bearing your name. See what I did there? Bearing your name ... ha ha! The thing is, you just sit there doing nothing. You really are no different to others in your species like Icypops your polar cousin, or Koala who is an impostor and really not a bear at all. How about doing something original that would make you stand aside from the crowd? Have you learnt the words to "The Bare Necessities" as I told you?

NAME: Polly and Gone SPECIES: Psittacines (Parrots)

OK Polly and Gone, unless you improve your behaviour you will both be pollygone - that is no longer here. Get it? I have warned you several times not to be rude to the visitors. Telling that man the other day, "And from whose nose were you picked?" was not funny at all. When he complained, neither of you apologised as I suggested; and you Polly questioned his parenthood. And I must remind you that you are not sponsored by a fried chicken outlet so stop mentioning it or else you'll both be Kentuchy Fried Parrots!

NAME: Lofty SPECIES: genus Struthio (Ostrich)

Elegant you are not, Lofty. Impertinent, you certainly are. How many times do I need to tell you not to interfere with the visitors when they approach your enclosure? You ignore me and keep burying your head in the sand. Your behaviour is not funny; like when you ate the plastic flowers on that woman's hat. We had to compensate her by refunding her entrance ticket and paying for a new hat. That money should come out of your food allowance, if I had my way. But your worst behaviour is when you pecked the backside of that pretty young lady. She thought the man standing beside her did it. An argument ensued and we had to call the police. I warn you again; this behaviour is not funny. 

NAME: Various SPECIES: Blattodea (Cockroaches)

This report applies to the lot of you. Let's face it, you are boring. Boring, boring, boring; that's what I say. You sit there in your glass cage doing nothing. We have measured that on average people spend about 57 seconds looking at you and then move on. If we were not obliged to have an insects enclosure I would have you all wiped out. You are not as entertaining as the ants colony who busy themselves building nests and carrying food therein. Or like the stick insects who camouflage themselves like sticks and the public has fun trying to identify them. On average people spend at least 7 minutes watching them. Compare that to your measly existence you useless parasites. 

NAME: Ivor Rawbottom SPECIES: Humanus Idiot (Idiot)

Come in Ivor, sit down. I am very disappointed in you. This time your sense of humour has gone too far. What's the big idea of changing all the signs in the animals' enclosures on 1 April last?

You put a notice saying cobra in the giraffe's enclosure.The zebra was shown as a pelican. The tiger became an octopus. And the tortoise was marked common household fly. You caused havoc amongst a school outing and the children were asked to identify various creatures as an exam project. They all failed thanks to you.

Look Ivor, if you were not my father, and the owner of this zoo, I would have fired you by now.

The worst offence is when you took away my name and title from my office door and posted this photo instead.

Zoo Time

 

Welcome to Zoo Time your favourite TV Program where we visit our friends the animals living freely in large enclosures just as they would enjoy in their native lands. 

I am Noah Flood and I am usually accompanied by my friend and co-presenter Anna Conda. Unfortunately Anna is not with us this week having suffered unspeakable pains when she sat on a termites nest in last week's episode. 

Also, I have to let you know that my assistant Ivor Scratch is also absent this week. Ivor has always wanted to be a lion whisperer. He read many books about it; and I have to report that it is a wish he almost achieved minutes before being rushed to hospital with multiple injuries sustained in pursuit of his ambition.

So let's start by visiting the ostrich enclosure.

The ostrich is the largest flight-less bird with large eyes on either side of its head, as you can see if we get a little closer. 

AAAAAOOOOOWWW!!!

The damn bird has pecked my ear-piece out of my ear ... Have you got it John? No ... what ... the bird swallowed it. Can you speak on your mike please John ... I can hear you from the bird's stomach ... look ... we can't keep filming here. I hear an echo of my own voice whenever I speak on the mike ... I hear myself from the bird's innards!

We have now moved to the rhino's enclosure ...

Did you know that the rhino's horn is not made of bone like you would expect. It is actually made of  keratinous mineralized compartments ... like tightly held together hairs. Rhinos are thick skinned and mainly herbivorous. Their favourite pass-time in the wild is charging at Jeeps and similar cars and head-butting them hard.

And now we visit our friend the bear. There are many kinds of bears ... the brown bear, the polar bear, the grizzly bear, the koala bear and many others ... not forgetting the panda. The panda is the most peculiar of bears. He used to be a carnivore; that is he ate meat. Then over time he became a herbivore eating mainly bamboo which he consumes most of the time. For some reason, it seems this diet has put him off sex to such an extent that he is now an endangered species. Let that be a lesson to any of you vegetarians out there!

We cannot show you the panda on today's program because both creatures are in that dark room over there watching adult-rated films with a view to encouraging them to become more amourous. Fat chance of that ... whenever I watch such films my wife starts vacuum cleaning the house!

What can I tell you about the llama? He is a domesticated South American animal which ... **** ... the stupid ******* animal has spat in my eye! It's disgusting ... hand me a towel John ... damn stupid animal ... if I had my way we'd be having him as a barbecue by now!

Sometimes known as the ship of the desert the camel can go for long periods without water. Did you know that there are in fact three species of camels? The camel with one hump is known as a Dromadery, whereas the one with two humps, like the one we have here, is known as a Bactrian camel. There is, however, a rare camel with three humps. Do you know what it's called?

Humphrey !!!

Aaah ... now we have here one of my favourite creatures. The chicken. Did you know that there are more chickens in the world than there are humans? Yes ... far more that 7 billion chickens in the world. At least two or three chickens for each one of us. There are of course many species of chickens. My favourite one is the Kentucky Fried Chicken which this one here will soon be ... I hope!

Next, I wanted to take you inside the dolphins enclosure. Unfortunately this is not possible today because there was a breakout yesterday when the dolphins managed to escape led by a whale called Willy.

As a cheaper alternative, you can buy tins of sardines from the gift shop on the way out!

Zoo Appeal

 

Why does the doorbell ring at the most inopportune time; when I'm busy doing something from which I do not want to be interrupted.  Like yesterday, whilst I was counting the dust bunnies. I had reached 137 when ...

Doorbell: Ding Dong Ding Dong.

Man at door: Hello Sir, sorry to disturb you. I am from the local zoo about three miles from here. Do you know it?

Yes ... yes ... I do ...

Well Sir, I am here in your area to ask people to support our Zoo Appeal.

Oh ... ehm ... yes OK ... let me get my wallet.

No Sir, that would not be necessary. Welcome as it is, thank you. The thing is, with the economic situation being what it is the zoo can no longer survive as a business entity. I regret that it will be closed down over the next few months.

Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. We enjoyed visiting the zoo every now and then.

That's good to hear Sir. This is perhaps where you'd be able to help us. Would you be interested in buying one of our animals? They will be sold at the lowest price possible. Would you like a hippopotamus maybe? Or a rhino. We offer a reduction if you buy both.

What?

A combined purchase of two or more animals will attract great price reductions. Almost 50% in some cases. 

You can't be serious! What would I do with a hippo? And where would I put him?

We can assist you with the building of a swimming pool large enough to accommodate the animal Sir.

I can't believe what I am hearing. Are you suggesting that I buy a fully grown beast from you?

You may prefer a smaller animal perhaps. A goat, or an iguana? A penguin or two maybe. We'll help build their pool too. Your neighbours down the road have already agreed to buy an elephant and a tiger.

A tiger? In a built up area? Is it safe to have wild animals in a built up area like here?

A colony of ants perhaps? They'll come in their own glass cages. Or Madagascar cockroaches, or a swarm or two of bees. You can make and sell your own honey.

No thank you! I do not want to buy any animals.

How about an orthopaedic bed then? We used it when the gorilla injured its hip. Would that be of interest? 

Where are you?

 

Some time ago I went to the zoo and saw this bear. He sat there looking at me and I looking at him. So I asked him, "Where are you?"

He didn't reply. He kept looking at me wondering who is this idiot talking to a bear and expecting an answer. But he did not comprehend the depth and wisdom of my question. He was sitting there in a very large area full of bushes, trees and grass and shade and so on. A bit like being in the wild really. As far as he was concerned he thought he was in his native environment. Not that he knew where his native environment was. He was probably born there where he was. So to him, he was happy at home. Little did he know he was in a zoo. In a closed and secure environment from which he could not escape. He did not care about the fence between him and me. He had plenty of room in which to enjoy life and I was an unwelcome distraction.

I moved on to the rhino; also in a very wide field with what seemed miles of land. Standing by the fence between us I asked him, "Where are you?"

He was thick-skinned and totally ignored me as I was disturbing his lunch.

It was the same with the camel. When I stood by his fence and shouted, "Where are you?" he had the hump, or two humps to be precise, and kept on chewing on something without responding.

Not much luck with the ostriches which did not really care where they were either. It seemed that none of these creatures really realised that in effect they were in an enclosure. Sure, they were free to go and do what they wanted; but within strict limitations.

When I asked this llama "Where are you?" he replied, "I'm on the top of the world lookin' down on creation. And the only explanation I can find. Is the love that I've found, ever since you've been around.

Your love's put me at the top of the world."

 

The poor creature did not realise that he too was in an enclosure.

Then I heard myself ask myself, "Where are you?"

 

And I slowly realised I was in an enclosure too. I was part of a society, a group of people, citizens of a country, a continent and a planet. And as such I had to follow certain patterns, and rules and regulations regarding my behaviour and interactions with other people in my society. Just like these animals, I was free, but within strictly defined limitations. If I stepped out of these limitations, imposed by my society, I would suffer the consequences. Just like these animals would if they jumped over the fence and left their enclosures.

Who is more free I wonder? Us or the animals?

As I moved on a parrot flew by and laughed at me saying, "Who's a silly boy?"

As it happened

 

A long time ago, I hated being at school. The children used to bully me, steal my lunch box and give me wedgies. Eventually I gave up being a teacher.

There followed a series of other jobs. For example, for a while I was a door-to-door salesman selling doors. I had a couple of doors strapped on my back and two suitcases with door handles, locks, hinges and so on. Once I knocked on a door, not mine ... a door of a house ... and a man opened. I asked him, "do you want to buy a door?"

Before he answered I bent forward a little to put the suitcases I was carrying on the ground. The doors on my back hit him straight in the face. He fell right on his back like a felled tree. He did not buy any doors.

My next job was also as a door-to-door salesman. This time I was selling First Aid kits. I sold little boxes with all the things you need in an emergency. Like a small mirror in case you want to check your lipstick should you get injured. Small scissors to cut your finger nails and so on.

I knocked at a door and an old lady opened. After I recited the sales blurb to her, she politely said she did not need to buy anything and shut the door. Unfortunately she caught my hand in the door. I screamed. She was shocked and said, "are you all right?"

I said, "my right hand is ... but my left has been crushed!"

She used my First Aid kit but unfortunately the sticking plaster would not stick to my hand. She used the bandages but they were too thin and kept tearing as she wrapped it round my fingers. Eventually she tied my handkerchief to my hand and did not buy anything.

I worked in a zoo for a while. We had a tiger which ate Frosties. Serves the woman right for letting Frosties the little dog inside the tiger's enclosure.

I got fired from that job for feeding the monkeys ... to the lions. The visitors did not enjoy the lions feeding time whilst they were having their lunch. 

I got another job at a golf club. My job was to go round the course and count the holes. We had gophers nearby and they dug extra holes all over the place. The players got too tired going round a 108 holes golf course. The problem is I did not know which were legitimate golf course holes and which were additional gophers ones. I filled all of them in and the players complained that they could not get a hole in one or any hole whatsoever either. 

Another job I had at this club was to check if there were any golf balls left in the holes by the players. I used to go round the course in the early evening, after everyone had left, and check all the holes. I hated having to put my hand in the holes to retrieve the balls. I wore gloves. I once forgot my gloves so I tied my scarf tight round my hand. Unfortunately when I held on to the golf ball my hand got stuck in the hole. I could not get it out again. I could not open my hand to drop the ball and my fist was held tightly shut holding the ball and being stuck inside the hole.

There I was on my knees with my hand stuck in the hole. You could say I was "one in hole".

I cried for help, but there was no one there to help me. I was the only one in the golf club to lock up and leave. Yet there I was locked in a hole myself.

As it grew dark a fox came out of the bushes. He was not a club member. I decided to remain still ready to hit him with my free hand should he get vicious.

He approached me, raised his back leg, and told me what he thought of me. 

Somehow, this released my hand like magic as I ran to the club house!

I worked as an undertaker's assistant in a funeral director's office. I got fired when one April Fools Day I hid a tape-recorder in a coffin which repeated, "let me out ... let me out ..."  

I also got fired from working in a pet shop for teaching the parrot to say to the customers, "hello ugly ... what are you looking at?"

I worked in a museum for a while. I was a night security guard. I was the only one at night in the museum guarding the whole place and doing my rounds every so often in all the rooms. I was scared. So I took my dog with me without anyone knowing. I got fired when the dog ate the dinosaur's leg.

And that's how it happened.

You're fired !!!

 

 

COBRA

Years ago, when I was young, (that's about ten years ago), I was fired from my job at the zoo because I changed all the signs in the animals enclosures.

It was the night before the 1st of April, which would make it the 31st of March, unless it was just after midnight in which case it would make it the 1st of April.

I was working the night shift. There isn't much to do on the night shift. All the animals are asleep and I was there just checking on the nocturnal animals. Feeding them, cleaning their cages, or singing them lullabies to send them to sleep again.

I was bored, so I decided it would be fun for April Fool's Day to change some of the signs in the enclosures. It was an easy job. The signs were made of hard-wearing plastic and they fitted in a frame fixed to the enclosure. The idea was to make them inter-changeable in case we moved the animals from one enclosure to another.

So it was simple to pull out some signs and to put them in other enclosures. The bear became a cobra.

                                                  PELICAN
The llama became a pelican. 

                                                    OCTOPUS

Whilst the rhinoceros became an octopus. It was great fun changing all the signs around. I creeped slowly from one enclosure to another, without making a sound in case the other night staff heard or saw me, and I changed the signs around.

Having had enough fun with the animals I then turned my attention to other signs. The restaurant became the gents toilets in a quick sign change. The ladies toilets became the souvenir shop. The picnic area I designated as a car park. And so on it went with even changing the direction signs which tell the visitors where to go. People who wanted to visit the aquarium would walk up a steep hill only to discover it was the reptile house. Whilst those wanting to see various insects and butterflies would be sent to the parrots cage.

                              COMMON HOUSEHOLD FLY

Surprisingly enough, the next morning no one noticed what I had done. When you work in the same place, day in day out, you do not notice certain things that are there all the time. It wasn't until the visitors started coming in at eight o'clock that people began to notice.

Some visitors went somewhere only to find something else. Women went to what they thought was the lost property office only to find it full of urinals. Others walked long distances to find they were in the opposite direction to where they wished to be.

Everyone complained to a member of staff they found near at hand. Some became furious and wanted their money back. Others were confused as to why there were no owls in the fish tanks.

I took the joke a little too far by changing my name badge to Mike rather than my name.

Eventually the manager found out I was the culprit. He was furious. He was always short of a sense of humour that man. He called me on the tannoy system to go to his office.

At first I ignored it. Then some staff convinced me to go and see him and perhaps he would forgive me and see the humour in what I had done.

He was even more angry and fuming when we walked into his office and he noticed I'd changed his name on the door to Miss Iva Bigbum.

I explained that it was a bit of fun to entertain the visitors on April Fools Day. I told him to say it was a deliberate attempt by the zoo to entertain them on this day.

He nearly believed me. He was about to be convinced that we could get away with it by telling the visitors it was a bit of fun.

Then he saw the photo of his wife on his desk.

That's when he fired me.

At the Zoo

Why is it that people with children like to go to the zoo over and again? What's so fun about going to the zoo? They're such a waste of time and money.

I think zoos should only have five animals. The rest are a total unnecessary waste.

Children go to zoos to see the lion, the tiger, the elephant, the giraffe and of course the monkeys. The rest are not important.

Who really cares about going to the zoo and seeing a tortoise? Or a frog? Or snakes?

"Oh ... here is a snake. Let's stop and watch him not moving for at least ten minutes!" They are all not moving. They are most probably asleep or dead with boredom at being in a glass tank under such a hot light.

Would you go to the zoo to watch an earwig or a centipede?

Which reminds me. Did you know that if a centipede is attacked it detaches some of its legs and throws them at his attacker? That way the attacker stops to eat the leg and the centipede runs away and hides.

It's true, I tell you. I read it in a book called the Legless Centipede which I am currently writing. The book will contain 100 pages with perforations near the spine. That way, as the book is read the pages will tear off and you'll be left with just the cover. Clever, don't you think? There will be a version with edible paper so you can eat the pages as you tear them off the book."Feed the Mind AND the Stomach" is my new motto!

Back to the zoo ... of course, there is the interminable collection of animals who look very much the same but have different names. There's the reindeer, the white tailed deer, the elk, the moose, the fallow deer, the Siberian roe deer, the piebald deer, the Père David's deer and the I don't care what type of deer you are deer. You are all boring me to death!

And it's the same for other animals. The zebra for example is just a horse painted in black and white lines. What's so clever about that? The bison and the buffalo are just cows like any other cow or ox but with a fancy name to earn them a place in the zoo.

And don't tell me about the interminable collection of birds of every size, colour and shape? Do I really care about the difference between one hawk and another, or one owl and another, or one parrot and another? Do children really care?

We stood there for what seemed years watching some feathered creatures in various cages. I forgot, nor cared, what they were called; but I remember they ate fruit because on the ground and stuck to various branches in the cage were pieces of apples which the keepers put there.

The cages had various labels naming the different birds, where they originate from, and whether they were extinct or not. A misnomer if there ever was one. Extinct means they don't exist. Since these birds were here in the cage wasting my time and keeping me from a well-earned Guinness proves the fact that they are not extinct. YET!!!

Personally, the only birds I care for are the ones I find at my favourite Kentucky Fried restaurant. I wonder why they don't serve Kentucky Fried parrot, or hawk or owl? There's plenty of scope for diversifying in that restaurant. Like Kentucky Fried ostrich or rabbit. Although they would need bigger fryers for the elephants!

That asides, I noticed that on some of the apples were a few flies enjoying the nectar of the fruit. I called one of the zoo keepers and asked him which kind of flies these were. He looked puzzled and said "I don't know; they're just flies!" I complained that since all the birds had been named by their individual labels why are there not any labels on the cage explaining more about the flies and their life cycle?

Before we left this tedious collection of creatures I don't care much about, we just had to visit the souvenir shop. Every trip to the zoo must end with a visit to the souvenir shop. It's traditional and another opportunity to waste your hard-earned cash on a lot of things you really don't need. Of course the children love the stuffed toy animals. What's better than a stuffed toy lion? Or a giraffe perhaps?

I asked the shop attendant whether she had a stuffed toy fly. She looked at me with the same air of puzzlement as the bird keeper earlier on. I explained that I had seen a fly on an apple earlier on and I would like as a souvenir of my visit to the zoo to purchase a stuffed toy fly. She asked the manageress who assured me that there is not much demand for such toys and would a toy hippopotamus do instead?

Anyway, we eventually left the zoo, with the children so tired they slept in the car cuddling their toy animals and me counting how much money we had spent. This is probably the fifth time at least we have visited different zoos during the holidays, and they are all the same. Not much fun really!