Perception is in the mind

 

If you were to go to the bathroom for a shower, or to your bedroom, and you found a wasp there, or a spider, the chances are you'd react in horror and fear of such a creature. (That is if you fear them from experience or because of what you heard about them).

If however you found a little chick, or a puppy or kitten, you'd react differently. You'd wonder how they got there, who put them there and why; but you would not fear them. Not as much as if you found a rhino or an elephant in your bathroom. Now that would really terrify me and I would want to use the bathroom urgently; but I can't use it because there's someone already there. 

Our perception of things and events are based on experience, or hearsay. Things we have heard or read about. So, in our memory banks a wasp spells danger whereas a puppy or a kitten less so - albeit we might be totally wrong. For example if the puppy had a dangerous transferable disease. We base our actions on pre-conceived perceptions.

In my office in London I had a notice saying PERCEPTION IS TRUTH.

This was to explain to my team that just one slip up can affect the reputation of the whole team and organisation. If we say the wrong thing on the phone, or our service to customers is not a 100% then they will see us and the whole organisation as inefficient and not worth dealing with. It would take a lot of work to regain our good reputation once it is lost.

Look at a Christian today. There are over a billion in the world. What perception do they implant in your mind?

Let us all look in the mirror. What reflection of Christ do we portray?

 

The TWELVE Commandments

 

The Twelve Commandments for Seniors

1 – Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice.

2 - "In Style" are the clothes that still fit.

3 – You don't need anger management. You need people to stop irritating you.

4 – Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.

5 – The biggest lie you tell yourself is, "I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it."

6 - "On time" is when you get there.

7 – It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free...and three sizes smaller.

8 – Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you.

9 – Growing old should have taken longer.

10 – Ageing has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.

11 – You still haven't learned to act your age and hope you never will.

And one more

 

12 - "One for the road" means peeing before you leave the house.

An invitation to you

 

This is an invitation to all of you to say something good about yourself. There's a tendency amongst many people to be shy or modest and not boast about themselves. If someone can play the piano, for instance, they would say, "I am not as good as ..." and try to belittle their talent.

Let's look at it another way. Whatever talent you have it is God given. God made you what you are and gave you whatever ability you have; to be a doctor, a lawyer, a singer or whatever else. By hiding your talent you are doing Him a disservice rather than glorify Him to the best of your ability.

As for me; I have a sense of humour. I hope God does too, or else I'm in real trouble.

What's your talent?

Make Time to Smile

 

If you are bored, try taking up fencing.  I did and my neighbours say they will call the police unless I put them back.

======================

I never thought that I would be the type of person to wake up at 5am to go for a jog.  It turns out that I was right.

======================

Would a good name for an insurance salesman be Justin Case?

====================== 

Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVD’s back to back.

Luckily, I was the one facing the telly.

====================== 

Friendship among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning, she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning, he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

======================

My wife said to me that “ my grammar’s pathetic.”

So I replied “ well your grandpa is no better either”.

======================

Have you ever wondered why mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?”

====================== 

A vicar is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the vicar moves closer to the boy's position.

He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the vicar smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

The boy replies, "Now we run!"

======================

If you really want to see Social Distancing, lend a person some money.

======================

Last night my wife sent me a text saying that she was in ER.

So I rushed home and watched all 50 minutes of the program and never saw her once.

And she’s still hasn’t come home and I’m starving. She’s so unreliable.

 

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Blessed by the devil

 

 WARNING: This article may upset some people.

 I have hesitated about publishing this post; but here goes. Have you ever wondered why some people who openly deny the existence of God, and mock Christianity even, seem to be so successful and doing well in life? You often see celebrities on TV or in the newspapers proudly announcing that they don't believe in God and indeed anyone who does believe is somehow deluded and antiquated in their thinking.

I'd like to put forward the thought that these people are most probably blessed by the devil. They may not know it; but they are benefiting from his bounty and protection.

In the beginning God created Angels, and one of them rebelled and was allowed to leave Paradise together with his followers. God in His infinite love did not destroy them there and then, but He allowed them to exist as spirits roaming the earth to do their will. He gave them the same free will which He has gifted all of us since the creation of life. We too have the free will to choose right from wrong and to deny the very existence of God, if we wish.

In order to tempt people into his way of thinking the devil often showers good fortune on certain people; those he can influence to be his ambassadors on earth. Let's face it, we are more likely to listen to and try to emulate another human being than an invisible malevolent spirit. There is no need for the devil to walk around like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. (1 Peter 5:8) He is more subtle than that. If he were to appear as a threatening monster we'd be so frightened that we'd all run into the arms of Christ. Which is self-defeating from his point of view. He is far cleverer than that and he makes us believe that he does not exist even. The word "devil" is just a euphemism for being naughty; it's a fun word. He doesn't really exist.

Having lulled us into a false sense of security, the devil then tempts certain people very much in the same way he tried to tempt Christ in the desert. If he had the audacity to tempt the Son of God we shouldn't be much of a challenge to him. He showers those people with opportunities to be successful, prominent, famous and in a position to influence others. It's pointless for him to spend time putting doubts and fears and confusion in the minds of people already susceptible to his thinking and wiles. They are already "on his side", so to speak. So he saves these tricks for those who believe in God and rewards his followers with good things in exchange for their services. The irony is that these very people do not know what they are doing, and most probably don't believe in the existence of the devil himself, as well as God; such is his skill in trickery.

And God allows it to happen. To intervene and to stop the devil would mean God taking away the devil's freedom, as well as our freedom, to choose right from wrong. Having gifted us all free-will God does not take it back.

It is up to each one of us to choose the way and the truth and the life. (John 14:6)

In the meantime many are sleep-walking their way into hell.

On being reasonable

Those people who know me, including you my readers I hope, would consider me to be a reasonable person.

Some years ago I was alone at home. The family had gone out to visit friends and were expected back at about nine in the evening. It was 7:00pm and I was getting ready to go out to a business meeting.

The door bell rang. It was the baby sitter. My wife had made arrangements for a baby sitter and forgot to cancel her when plans changed to visit friends. 

I explained to the baby sitter, (a friend of my wife),  that she was not needed. She said jokingly that she had been booked for the evening and expected to be paid. I took her seriously, and did not know that she baby-sat as a favour and was not paid by my wife. I was too busy to discuss details so I said this was unfair considering she would not in fact, and in law, be undertaking her task of baby sitting in the absence of such babies or children. 

She said, still jokingly, that in law a booking is a booking and that she expected payment, regardless of the fact that she was my wife's friend since school days. I was too preoccupied with my business meeting and I was in a hurry to leave, so I invited her to come in and baby-sit an empty house. 

She laughed and came in saying that our TV is better than hers because we have more channels, and that she hoped we had left her the usual box of doughnuts in the kitchen!

I left her in the house and went to my meeting. I got back at about 8:30pm rather tired and found the house empty. I thought she'd gone home so I made myself a large cup of whisky to help me relax.

Just after nine the family got back home. My wife went upstairs and found her best friend, the baby-sitter with no babies to sit, asleep in our bed. Apparently she felt unwell to drive back home and went upstairs for a lie down.

I had some explaining to do. So did the baby-sitter who thought it was fun to elaborate and make the story more sordid than it was. And as women often do; they ganged up against me. 

So much for me being reasonable!

Agony Uncle Vic

 

.

VICTOR S E MOUBARAK

AGONY UNCLE

 

Dear Agony Uncle,

This is the first time I write in to your Newspaper Column. I am a woman over 35 years old and, not to put too fine a point on it, I fear I am not as attractive as I once was when I go on a date. Any advice?

Dear Anonymous First-time Writer,

Fear not. They say the sands of times in an hour glass go down not up. Your problem happens to most of us, men and women, and there is nothing much you can do. We all have wrinkles and grey hairs as we age.

Whatever you do, do not go for the option my friend did. When he went on a strict diet to lose weight he ended up with a lot of loose skin hanging about his body in the chest and lower area. So he went for a treatment where they "pull up" the loose skin up his body a bit at a time, and they stretch the skin upwards so much that any extra skin is then somehow tied up and hidden behind the back of his neck. It worked so well that now he looks twenty years younger. Unfortunately, his bellybutton (navel) is on his forehead. He also has an unusual tie too.

Dear Uncle Vic,

As a newly married man, I get embarrassed when I go to the rest room and break wind noisily. My wife could hear me. What do you suggest I do?

Dear Thunderblast,

Such foods like beans, sprouts and cabbage tend to create gaseous substances therein which need to come out noisily. I suggest you take a radio with you to the rest room and play it loudly to cover up other unwanted sounds. I recommend playing "Blowing in the wind" by Bob Dylan is very effective in this respect.

Dear Agony Vic,

I live in an apartment block and the walls here are too thin. To get straight to the point - I cannot sleep at night because I hear the young couple living next door making very personal noises from their bedroom. I have tried sleeping with my head under the pillow to no effect. What do you suggest?

Dear Sleepless Nights,

What you are doing is very dangerous. I knew a man who slept with his head under the pillow and the Tooth Fairy took out all his teeth.

Dear Agony Uncle,

I am writing to you from hospital. The instructions on the Quick Cook Rice packet said: "Take one sachet from the packet and stand in boiling water for 5 minutes." I did just that and burnt my feet.

Dear Master Cook,

 I think instructions on food packets should be clear for any idiot to understand.

Dear Uncle Vic,

My dog has chewed the postman's hat. What shall I do?

Dear Careless Dog Owner,

Keep your dog under control and take responsibility for your dog's and your actions. Buy him Woof Woof Dog Food. It is the only dog food that tastes of a postman's leg!

Dear Know-it-all Agony Column Man,

I did not like the way you responded to my last letter about my dog's behaviour. In fact I do not like your attitude!

Dear Dog Owner,

It is not my 'at he chewed; it's the postman's hat he chewed!

Dear Agony Uncle,

I am caught in a heart-breaking situation like in the song "Torn between two lovers" by Mary MacGregor  I have fallen in love with two men. One of them is young, my age really, he is a multi-millionaire, drives a Lamborghini, lives in a palace and adores me very much. The other one is 65 years old, he is very poor, he is an archaeologist, and says he loves me very much. I love them both, but do not know who I should marry. What do you think?

Dear Lover,

I think you should marry the archaeologist because the older you get the more interested he will be in you.

Dear Vic,

We have ants in our house and cannot get rid of them. We have tried everything. Can you help?

Dear Ant Invasion,

Indeed I can help. Get a flat stone. Place on it a mixture of sugar and pepper. The ants will be attracted by the sugar, breathe in the pepper, sneeze, and knock themselves dead against the stone. 

Dear Agony Uncle Vic,

Whenever I drink something hot like tea or coffee I get a sharp pain in my eye. Should I visit an optician for this?

Dear Ivor Pain,

I suggest you take the spoon out of the cup before drinking.

Any problems that weigh heavily on your mind can be discussed in all confidence, in the Comments box below. I'll try my best to help.

Are you invited to Jesus' Wedding?

 

In Matthew Chapter 22:1-14 Jesus tells a parable about a king preparing a wedding feast for his son. He invites many guests who do not turn up, so eventually, he invites all the people his servants can find in the streets until the wedding hall is full of guests.

In this story, the King is God. And His Son getting married is Jesus; marrying His Church here on earth - this means everyone, you and I included.

We are all invited to God's Kingdom, but many don't answer the call. Some even respond violently to the invitation by beating and killing the messengers. The King responds accordingly.

At the end of this parable there's an intriguing bit. The King enters the hall full of guests and sees a man not wearing wedding clothes. He is angry with him and gets him tied up and thrown out into the street.

Now this seems rather harsh treatment for someone not wearing the right clothes. Until we stop and understand Jewish tradition.

Jesus was talking to the Jews who understood very well that there are special clothes to wear at weddings. Almost every family had such special clothes in case they were invited to a wedding; even the poor would either have such clothes or borrow some.

No one would dare go to a wedding without special clothes. Even more important, traditionally the host of the wedding also provided special garments for those who did not have any, so they can borrow them for the occasion. So it was more offensive to the King for this guest to wear no garment.

This guest in the parable just did not bother; he showed disrespect to the King and his son; and was thus thrown out.

I guess we can note the distinction between those invited guests who refused to attend and the one with no special clothing. Those first guests are the people who refuse to accept God and to love and follow Him. The guest with the wrong clothes are the people who half-heartedly accept God as an insurance policy ... just in case ... they do not really believe and follow God. Believers in name only.

But how about us? What are our special clothes for our entry into God's Kingdom in Heaven?

Our wedding clothes are our good deeds here on earth. Whatever we do for anyone in need, however small, constitutes our wedding clothes. "Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me." (Matthew 25:40).

It is just not enough to spend a lifetime on our knees praying, or going to church, if our deeds are far from what is expected of us as followers of Christ.

Jesus said, "Not everyone who calls me Lord will enter the Kingdom of God, but only those who do what my Father wants them to do". (Matthew 7:21).

In other words ... action not words.

A sermon to remember

 

Dear Brethren and Cisterns,

It's been a number of years since I last visited your church. I am so glad to be here again. 

I would like to tell you today what you can do in life to be a better Christian. I have prepared a short list of 59 items which I'd like to bring to your attention.

First of all ... blah ... blah ... blah ...

Secondly .... blah and blah blah ...

And then ... blah ... blah ... and more blah ...

And he went on through the 59 things we should do to become better Christians. By the time he finished, the young couple sitting in front of me were playing with their grand-children.

And Father Onto Long went on and on for far too long.

The worst thing is that by the time Mass finished I was fined by the Authorities for parking my car in the car park for longer than the allotted time.

No Satisfaction Ye Ken

 

.

Laurel & Hardy

How to get to Heaven ... or your money back

 

Are you intrigued by the title of this book? You shouldn’t be. It’s true and it guarantees that if you follow its instructions you will get to Heaven; or else we will refund you the price of the book. Be sure to keep a receipt as proof of purchase! (Although you won’t need it.)

This book doesn’t cost much, so you’re not risking a fortune by buying it. But you are certainly risking a lot by ignoring it. Can you afford to?

It could well save your eternity. 

NOTES: Dear loyal readers. This new book may not be for you if you are a practising Christian. But it may well be for someone that you know. Someone who has probably heard of God but never gave Him serious thought. Never bothered to find out more.

Here's what prompted this book.

I attended a funeral recently. It was at the crematorium and lasted about half-an-hour. The people there really did not believe in anything. To them, nothing happens after we die. Someone said a few words about the deceased. About her life and what she did over the years; and as the coffin was taken away they said that she was now with her parents and elder sister who died years ago. 

The Logic Program Sub-routine in my brain immediately flashed a warning. What's the logic in that statement they made? If they don't believe in anything after death then how come this woman is now with her parents and sister? Where exactly? They are probably cremated or buried in another town somewhere; yet she is here being turned to cinders. How can she be with them?

At another funeral some years ago the deceased was a Catholic and the priest invited anyone who wanted to say a few words to approach the lectern. A young woman came up and whilst speaking about the deceased she said, "I thank the Universe for the life of XYZ!" The priest raised his eyebrows but was too polite to say anything.

My Logic Program questioned this statement too. What does it mean? The Universe is a collection of planets, stars, and moons and Einstein Theories. What have they to do with the deceased? Did the Universe create him? Who exactly are we thanking and for what?

Another example of today's modern thinking. Only a few days ago there was a woman on TV who wanted to undergo regression hypnosis to discover who she was in a previous life. She was convinced that in a previous life she was someone else, and possibly yet another person before that. She did not explain whether it was her "soul" which transferred from one person to another; she did not know. She was certain that she was someone else in a previous life. 

You see friends, we live in a secular world with secular education and up-bringing. There are many good people out there, kind people, who really have not given much serious thought about what happens after death. They've heard of Heaven and hell and God and "all that" but have put it at the back of their mind. Life's too busy right now anyway to bother about the here-after (whatever that is). If you ask them if they want to go to Heaven, most would probably say yes; albeit they have no conception of what Heaven is.

There are plenty of lost sheep out there looking for guidance but do not ask.

I'm sure you know someone who thinks like that. Maybe this book is for them, to nudge them in the right direction to find out more. It does not have all the answers. It is not meant to. It is written in a flippant cheeky way to challenge and encourage someone somewhere to find out more in their search for God.

Perhaps you can be the one to guide them on their way. Can you imagine how privileged you'd be if you turned a life in the right direction? 

Please CLICK HERE.

United we stand

 

The giant sequoia trees grow to an average height of 50–85 m (164–279 ft) with trunk diameters ranging from 6–8 m (20–26 ft). Record trees have been measured at 94.8 m (311 ft) tall. Giant sequoias are among the oldest living organisms on Earth. The oldest known giant sequoia is 3,200–3,266 years old. 

With such a massive tree, you'd expect its roots to go down very deep into the earth to be able to hold up such a high tree and its huge weight. But when you dig down you will find that its roots only go down to six feet or so. How can just six feet of roots hold up such a tree for so long?

Let's look at the roots. You will notice that instead of going down they spread horizontally and they entangle and inter-twine with the roots of other sequoia trees creating a widespread "net" or mesh of roots which holds the horizontal tree strongly upright.

Here's the science: If you stand one pencil or a candle on a table it can easily be knocked over. But if you glue it to a wooden or cardboard base, (say 6" X 9" and only half-inch thick),  you have extended the surface area (the base) of the pencil and the centre of gravity making it more difficult to knock over the glued pencil, even though the base (the roots) are only half-an inch deep.

When we become Christians we are similarly united with a world-wide network of people who believe that there is only one living God and Jesus is His only Son Who died for us. This is the wide base that unites us all as children of God; standing tall in the service of our Lord.
 

Hair Felt Love

 

.

 

She stood alone on London Bridge

Her heart was all a quiver

She gave a little cough

And her wig fell down the river

 

That's a bald statement to make

Said a policeman out of sight

Come down and collect your hair

Or I'll lock you for the night

 

Down to the waters she went

Her hair was soaking wet

Like a drowned cat it was

So she took it to the vet

 

The pet doc checked its pulse

And declared it fully dead

So he placed it on her head

And held it with a net

 

"Yvette, Yvette, wherefore art thou?"

Her lover was heard to cry

"Come to me my sweet Yvette

Or else I'll surely die"

 

But soon as he laid eyes on her

He hoped he sure were dead

For there it was for all to see

A dead cat was on her head

Owl be there for you

 

 

 

In the stillness of the night

 

Hooting sadly out of sight

 

I hooted back in sympathy

 

He hid frighted in his tree

 

 

I called him back to be his friend

 

He remained silent to the end

 

I listened carefully at his flight

 

As he vanished into the night 

 

Farewell my dear constipated owl

Hooting weakly as you roam

Bearing the  pain all the way home

Of irritable owl syndrome

 

 

 

Ode to a painful love

 

.

 

 ODE TO PAINFUL LOVE

Let not our love

Slip through our fingers

You bit my bum

And the pain still lingers.

 

I screamed and cried

 

“You ain't nothin' but a hound dog

Biting all the time

You ain't nothin' but a hound dog

Biting all the time

  Bit my behind so hard and you ain't no friend of mine.”

Appointment with Murder

 

NEW BOOK

An intriguing whodunit with many twists and turns featuring the amiable Father Ignatius and his colleague Father Donald. A smoking gun has been found and its owner identified, but why would someone commit such a daring murder and what is the motive behind it all?

In this book, the eighth stand-alone novel in the series of Father Ignatius books, we find the two priests drawn away from their clerical duties and becoming un-willing detectives trying to solve a crime well beyond their capabilities. Their motivation may be well-intentioned but their implementation is far from ideal, as they stumble over clues and putting themselves and their friends in real danger in the midst of gang-warfare. However, their encounter with crime and murder does not deflect their mind from their duties as priests and their responsibilities to their parishioners.

Once again, we meet the amiable Father Ignatius and see him in a new light as an individual as well as a priest; together with his colleague Father Donald and their friend Theodore Luxton-Joyce in a new adventure which is sure to delight their many fans and readers old and new.

Other Father Ignatius novels in chronological order; although they can be read in any order as stand-alone stories: Visions, The Priest and Prostitute, To Love a Priest, Don’t let the devil win, Murder in the Monastery, A Shot in the Park, and Living the Word.

Books available in paperback and Kindle from AMAZON and all good book sellers.

NOTE: If you do buy the book, I would really like to know what you thought of the ending; especially the priest's self-confession. You can write in the comments box below, or as a Review on AMAZON, or at the "Contact us" link at the top right of this page. But please do not reveal the plot ending.

AMAZON LINK HERE