Observations I have observed

 

I wasn't particularly bright at school. I can't even count how many times I failed Maths. 

To improve myself I tried joining the debating society but the other kids talked me out of it. My teacher said I'll go down in history ... ... ...  and geography, science, woodwork and a lot of other subjects. I had failure written all over me. The other children did it with permanent pens.

Once a bully at school was rude to me. I had lost my Thesaurus and could not find the right words to answer him back.

As a child my parents used to make me walk the plank. We didn't have a dog. We were very poor indeed and did not have many things others took for granted. Not even a toilet brush. We used to tie a dead hedgehog to a stick and use that. 

For years I did not speak to my Dad. He was a bus driver and you're not allowed to speak to him.

When I left school I took a job on a farm. I had to take part in a sheep census but fell asleep.

I first met my wife at the museum, and the rest is history. In truth, we were both trapeze artists and we met on the net.

The other day I helped my grandfather with a book he is writing. He is not good at computers and he asked me how do you print a document. I said, "Control P." He replied, "I've not been able to control pee for a while now!"

He was a glazier. One day he replaced the glass in all the windows in a building only to discover he had a crack in his spectacles. 

He used to say, "Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me." Then a printing-press fell on him. 

He was reminiscing the other day and said that in olden times you could leave the back door open and you were quite safe. That's how he sank his submarine.

Another favourite saying of his is "Fight fire with fire!" That's how he lost his job at the fire brigade.

He bought a book on the Internet entitled "How to have nothing to do with your neighbour!" Unfortunately, he was out when it was delivered. 

Despite his old age he is looking for a girl friend. He tried joining a dating agency and they suggested a carbon dating agency instead. He asked a potential girl friend her age and she said 140 over 80 !

He went to an antique store and they did not want him to leave.

The other day he dropped his cell-phone in the toilet. He asked me what to do and I suggested he puts the phone in a bag of rice. Moments later he asked me how do you get a bag of rice out the toilet.

He's had an argument with my wife about whether the lid should be up or down. In order to make peace between them I asked her, "Does it matter?" She said, "It does when it's the pedal bin in the kitchen." 

I hate all those TV adverts aimed at the elderly, like insurance and pre-paid funerals and cremations. There was an advert for cremations which said you get 50% of the price back if you die in a fire.

He said he's found the cure to improve his memory. He has stopped listening to people.

I think he's got a point.