Observations I have observed

 

I wasn't particularly bright at school. I can't even count how many times I failed Maths. 

To improve myself I tried joining the debating society but the other kids talked me out of it. My teacher said I'll go down in history ... ... ...  and geography, science, woodwork and a lot of other subjects. I had failure written all over me. The other children did it with permanent pens.

Once a bully at school was rude to me. I had lost my Thesaurus and could not find the right words to answer him back.

As a child my parents used to make me walk the plank. We didn't have a dog. We were very poor indeed and did not have many things others took for granted. Not even a toilet brush. We used to tie a dead hedgehog to a stick and use that. 

For years I did not speak to my Dad. He was a bus driver and you're not allowed to speak to him.

When I left school I took a job on a farm. I had to take part in a sheep census but fell asleep.

I first met my wife at the museum, and the rest is history. In truth, we were both trapeze artists and we met on the net.

The other day I helped my grandfather with a book he is writing. He is not good at computers and he asked me how do you print a document. I said, "Control P." He replied, "I've not been able to control pee for a while now!"

He was a glazier. One day he replaced the glass in all the windows in a building only to discover he had a crack in his spectacles. 

He used to say, "Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me." Then a printing-press fell on him. 

He was reminiscing the other day and said that in olden times you could leave the back door open and you were quite safe. That's how he sank his submarine.

Another favourite saying of his is "Fight fire with fire!" That's how he lost his job at the fire brigade.

He bought a book on the Internet entitled "How to have nothing to do with your neighbour!" Unfortunately, he was out when it was delivered. 

Despite his old age he is looking for a girl friend. He tried joining a dating agency and they suggested a carbon dating agency instead. He asked a potential girl friend her age and she said 140 over 80 !

He went to an antique store and they did not want him to leave.

The other day he dropped his cell-phone in the toilet. He asked me what to do and I suggested he puts the phone in a bag of rice. Moments later he asked me how do you get a bag of rice out the toilet.

He's had an argument with my wife about whether the lid should be up or down. In order to make peace between them I asked her, "Does it matter?" She said, "It does when it's the pedal bin in the kitchen." 

I hate all those TV adverts aimed at the elderly, like insurance and pre-paid funerals and cremations. There was an advert for cremations which said you get 50% of the price back if you die in a fire.

He said he's found the cure to improve his memory. He has stopped listening to people.

I think he's got a point.

Observations you may have missed

 

I seem to be always thinking of something else as things are happening around me. I could be watching TV whilst it's switched off, cooking the dog, or taking the dinner out for a walk and my mind is thinking of something else altogether completely different. 

For example, whilst writing this post I am thinking about that old saying, "which came first, the chicken or the egg?"

So I ordered both from the internet and will let you know when they arrive.

Did you notice that in films, and on TV programs, whenever a woman starts sniffling and crying the man always pulls out a clean handkerchief from his pocket and hands it to her. She never returns it back after blowing her nose in it.

How come the handkerchief is always new, clean and neatly folded having been ironed beforehand? It is never a handkerchief which the man has previously used to wipe his hands after changing the tire on his car.

And why is it always the man that hands over his handkerchief? Why can't the woman have her own handkerchief in readiness for a quick cry? In the last month I have handed out at least a dozen handkerchiefs to crying women. They have a look at me and start bawling their eyes out. I have that effect on women. Maybe they lament not having met me earlier in their lives. 

Another observation from the movies is that people never sneeze, or cough or need to go to the bathroom. Especially when there's a fight going on.

In a car chase the car is always ready and the key is always in the ignition. The car starts first time and flies at great speed. Not like my car which takes a week to reach 30 miles an hour!

In Olden Days we had so many talented people in the movies and on TV. In those times to be a celebrity you had to have some talent of some kind; acting, singing, be a good entertainer, or good at sports and so on. Then the politically correct people came in and said this was discriminatory. Everyone should be a celebrity. And now we have plenty of mindless idiots on TV believing they are celebrities. They are happy, and their mindless fans and followers are happy, and I guess they create employment with all the money they earn so all is well. I think we need more talentless idiots as celebrities.

Another observation worth sharing which you might find useful. You must have heard of the glass and cardboard way of getting rid of spiders. You place a glass on the spider, then slide a piece of card under the glass and then lift both and release the spider outdoors. 

Well, it does not work with gorillas. I was at the zoo the other day and a gorilla escaped from its cage. I was in the zoo restaurant eating. I finished my beer and got out with my glass still in hand. The zoo keepers told me to get out of the way as they shot the gorilla with tranquilliser darts. 

What irritates you at home? Personally, I don't like it when someone takes some butter with a knife from the butter dish, spread it on toast, and then returns to the butter for some more leaving crumbs all over the butter. So in our house we have a system. We take some butter with the butter knife. Put it on a side plate. Return the knife to the butter dish. Then with a new knife spread the butter from our side plate onto our toast. No crumbs on the butter ever.

Also, another irritation is when a piece of toast falls on the ground it always falls with the butter side down. To remedy this, I always eat my toast off the cat's back. So if it falls the cat will land on its feet and the toast will still be butter side up.

I don't know about you, but I learn a lot from Google. It's such a wonderful invention. I have printed out the whole of Google and I now read a few pages in bed before going to sleep. It's a great book. I wonder whether they'll ever make it into a film!