Conversations

 

I met up with two old friends from College the other day. There was Asparagus Tips and Mary Molehill. I can't remember why we called him Asparagus Tips. His real name was Rodney Green; so why the nickname Asparagus Tips I wonder. We called Mary Molehill by her first name. Just Mary. 

"Shoulder-Blade" Steve Saunders was not there. I called him "Shoulder-Blade" because years ago, after we left College and I was newly married, he borrowed a half-shoulder of lamb from me and never returned it. Or paid for it. Anyway, he wasn't at that meeting the other day. 

It was just Asparagus Tips, Mary and me.  

We discussed another mutual friend called Petri Dish. 

I remembered him from years gone by. He claimed he had a capuchin monkey which could play Rachmaninov's Piano Concerto Number 2 on the piano. I went to see his monkey one day. All he did was bang the piano keys with his hands and make a total cacophony.   

"That's not Rachmaninov's Piano Concerto Number 2!" I said, "he is playing all the wrong notes."

"He is playing all the right notes" corrected Petri Dish, "... admittedly, not in the right order!"

Which is what music is all about really. The right notes in the right order. A bit like writing a book. All the words you need are already in the dictionary. All you have to do is put them in the right order.

As it happens, I had met Petri Dish only a few days ago. 

In conversation he asked me, "What is it that a man does standing up, a woman does whilst sitting and a dog does whilst on three legs?"

"Shake hands, of course!" I replied.

He is an electronic inventor now. He has invented an air-fryer that can tell you the weather in Uruguay or Mongolia or wherever you want. So there you are in your kitchen frying some KFC and you're told what the weather is like where KFC was invented.

I asked Petri Dish, "what's the use of this?" He said, "so you can have a better air-fryer than your friend from church, Walter Kneecap!"

We call him Walter Kneecap because his knees click every time he kneels down to pray.  

"That's the problem these days," I said, "We all want to compete with each other as to what we have."

I don't even know Walter Kneecap's real surname, never mind whether he has an air-fryer or not. We're only nodding acquaintances when we meet in church not bosom buddies. If I had to identify him in an identity parade, or in the morgue, I'd have to ask him to nod to make sure it is him.    

As it happens, I asked him about his air-fryer after Mass yesterday. He said his air-fryer is called Thelma and she does all the cooking, washing, cleaning and sleeps with him as well!. Now that's modern electronics for you.

When I told my wife about Thelma she gave me the silent treatment.

I wonder whether Kneecap's wife, Thelma, talks or not. 

Or does she do the vacuum cleaning when sports is on TV? Why do wives do that? Start cleaning or go on with inane chatter when all their husbands want to do is watch TV? 

Why do husbands put up with all that? Is it because a husband is a man with the nerve taken out?

Well, that's not me. One of these days I'll really tell my wife to stop interrupting my TV ... but not just yet, I'm too frightened of her really!

(I hope my wife does not read this. I'd better stop, I hear her coming in now.)