Have you ever ...

 

Have you ever been mistaken for a celebrity? A singer, or actor or sports personality?

I was once mistaken for a Hollywood actor - King Kong.

Here's what happened:

School play. I volunteered to help. Dealing with the curtains. Lights. Moving props. That sort of thing back stage.

The hall is full of excited parents and guests. Minutes to go before we start. The teacher/producer is in a panic. The person playing the part of King Kong was taken ill.

"Would you please take the part?" the teacher asked.

"Me ... of course not! I have work to do back stage."

"Someone else can do that. You fit the role perfectly. And the costume fits you. You're the same size as Geoff. You've seen him at rehearsals." she insisted.

"Definitely not! You won't make a monkey out of me!" I joked.

"The gorilla is central to the whole play. We can't go on without it. Please! I'll be ever so grateful!"

Dammit ... why is it you women always get your own way? I can see it clearly now, in the garden of Eden. "Please ... taste the apple. It is delicious. If you taste it with me I'll be ever so grateful!"

"I'll be ever so grateful!" these words may well have sent many men to their doom. 

I guess I played the role well. Hunched forwards and walking mostly by leaning on my arms like gorillas do. Grunting every now and then. The audience were taken by it. Some thought it was a real gorilla. It was a performance worthy of an Oscar if there was such a thing for school plays.

I played the role well and everyone seemed to enjoy it.

After my final on stage appearance, I went back stage to check on my wife who was pregnant at the time.

She said she was having the baby. She was sure of it. The contractions were more frequent.  

I had to rush her to the hospital. No time to change out of my costume. As we ran to the car park I heard her shout, "stop walking on your front arms like a demented ape!" 

As I drove as fast as the traffic regulations allow I noticed a police car behind me. He overtook and flagged me down to stop.

I thought he'd arrest me for being drunk in charge of a gorilla. You should have seen his face when he approached our car and I wound down the window. You should have seen his face again when I spoke to him!

I told him my wife was having a baby. He looked at the seat behind me as she let out a cry. He then looked at me and must have thought something strange. I could see it on his face. 

Anyway, he drove ahead clearing the way to the hospital. I was still in costume. I could not take it off because I was in a hurry to take my wife to Maternity Ward. 

About an hour or so later, the baby was born.

The nurse looked at the baby, then looked at me, then punched me in the face!

NOTE: That's the only time I will allow my photo to appear on this Blog or anywhere on the Internet.