Have you ever ...

 

Have you ever been mistaken for a celebrity? A singer, or actor or sports personality?

I was once mistaken for a Hollywood actor - King Kong.

Here's what happened:

School play. I volunteered to help. Dealing with the curtains. Lights. Moving props. That sort of thing back stage.

The hall is full of excited parents and guests. Minutes to go before we start. The teacher/producer is in a panic. The person playing the part of King Kong was taken ill.

"Would you please take the part?" the teacher asked.

"Me ... of course not! I have work to do back stage."

"Someone else can do that. You fit the role perfectly. And the costume fits you. You're the same size as Geoff. You've seen him at rehearsals." she insisted.

"Definitely not! You won't make a monkey out of me!" I joked.

"The gorilla is central to the whole play. We can't go on without it. Please! I'll be ever so grateful!"

Dammit ... why is it you women always get your own way? I can see it clearly now, in the garden of Eden. "Please ... taste the apple. It is delicious. If you taste it with me I'll be ever so grateful!"

"I'll be ever so grateful!" these words may well have sent many men to their doom. 

I guess I played the role well. Hunched forwards and walking mostly by leaning on my arms like gorillas do. Grunting every now and then. The audience were taken by it. Some thought it was a real gorilla. It was a performance worthy of an Oscar if there was such a thing for school plays.

I played the role well and everyone seemed to enjoy it.

After my final on stage appearance, I went back stage to check on my wife who was pregnant at the time.

She said she was having the baby. She was sure of it. The contractions were more frequent.  

I had to rush her to the hospital. No time to change out of my costume. As we ran to the car park I heard her shout, "stop walking on your front arms like a demented ape!" 

As I drove as fast as the traffic regulations allow I noticed a police car behind me. He overtook and flagged me down to stop.

I thought he'd arrest me for being drunk in charge of a gorilla. You should have seen his face when he approached our car and I wound down the window. You should have seen his face again when I spoke to him!

I told him my wife was having a baby. He looked at the seat behind me as she let out a cry. He then looked at me and must have thought something strange. I could see it on his face. 

Anyway, he drove ahead clearing the way to the hospital. I was still in costume. I could not take it off because I was in a hurry to take my wife to Maternity Ward. 

About an hour or so later, the baby was born.

The nurse looked at the baby, then looked at me, then punched me in the face!

NOTE: That's the only time I will allow my photo to appear on this Blog or anywhere on the Internet.

Insects and all that ...

Once upon a time there was a moth which flew in through a chiropodist's open window and said, "Doctor, please help me out!"

"Of course," said the chiropodist, "which window did you come in?"

"No ... no ..." said the moth, "I meant I need your medical help ... I am depressed ... always sad and depressed ..."

"Sorry I can't help you," said the medic, "I am a chiropodist. Not a psychiatrist, or psychologist, or hypnotist or any similar medic that can help you with depression".

"Yes, I know," said the depressed moth.

"Why did you come in and see me then?" asked the medic.

"Because the light was on ..." replied the moth.

Oh well ... it made me laugh anyway.

Reminds me of another story. One day as I was going to work I noticed a snail on my doorstep. I nearly trod on it and killed it. To save it from a mishap I picked it up and threw it in a bush some three feet away out of harm's way.

A week later the doorbell rang. I opened the door and the snail said, "What was all that about, throwing me in the bush?"

I hope this one made you smile. How about ...

The following day the doorbell rang again and there on my doorstep was a hammerhead shark. I invited him in to watch the football on TV. He said, "can't get in ... your door is not wide enough!"

I think you're a tough crowd today, but I'll continue ... I can go on all day until I get a smile from at least one of you.

The following day the doorbell rang continuously ... non-stop ... ding dong ding dong ding dong ding dong ... shall I go on? Ding dong ding dong ding dong ding dong ...

I opened the door and there was this huge gorilla standing there. I said, "all right mate ... you can stop now!"

He said, "I can't ... my finger is stuck on your doorbell!"

Gorilla ... stuck ... come on now folks ... give me a break!

Did you know if you are having a picnic and you're bothered by wasps the best way to get rid of them is to hang a paper bag from a nearby tree? They'll think it is another wasps nest and they'll go away from its territory.

Make sure the paper bag does not have the shop's name on it. This will not fool the wasps.

The best place to have a picnic apparently is in a cemetery ... no body there to bother you.

I love animals ... don't you? I have spent a fortune on sick animals ... mainly sick horses and dogs. Mind you, I did not know they were sick when I placed a bet on them to win.

My parents used to make me walk the plank ... we did not have a dog.

We were very poor in them days. Did not even have the bare essentials. We used to tie a hedgehog to a stick and use it as a toilet brush.

Have you ever been swimming with dolphins? I never did. I'd like to go cycling with dolphins. If we humans can learn to swim I can't see why the lazy so and sos can't learn to cycle.

As a child I loved to observe ants on a sunny day with a magnifying glass. It's odd how they burst into flames. Instant combustion … it's more common than you think amongst ants!

I killed a cockroach whilst staying at a cheap hotel once. Within minutes my room was infested by cockroaches. They'd come for the funeral.

And finally ... a skunk running through the forest suddenly stops as the wind changes direction. He says, "Ah ... it's all coming back to me now!"

And really finally ... a hyena in the forest meets some monkeys and asks for their help. Apparently, every so often a lion attacks it and beat it black and blue. The monkeys agree to help. A little later the lion attacks the hyena in a ferocious fight. The monkeys all climb up a tree and watch.

Eventually, the lion has had enough fun and walks away, leaving the hyena torn to pieces.

"Why did you not help me?" the hyena asks the monkeys.

They replied, "You were laughing so much we thought you were enjoying it!"