My first dates

 

Do you remember your first date? Was it romantic? Did stars twinkle in the sky and soft music fill the air?

I guess the dating scene has changed over the years. If I was dating today I'd just phone for a pizza to be delivered and open a couple of cans of beer. Saves the hassle of having to dress up and put on a tie. 

I remember my first date. I wanted to impress and there was a new McDonald's in town. I rang them to make a reservation and they said that I cannot book a table in advance. So I went to another fast food restaurant nearby which I knew would have a table because it was always empty. People just went in for a quick take-out meal and left. As we sat there I soon realised I made a mistake. I was not impressed by their wine list, because they did not have any. No waiter service either. The girl at the counter said she'd wrap my fish and chips in a paper bag and I was invited to sit at a table in the corner. She also suggested a couple of cans of soft drinks.

First dates are difficult because I do not know what to say. Do I ask direct questions like what is your opinion about the rate of inflation compared to the GDP of the country at this point in time?

Or do I go for something more subtle like, what is your favourite colour? Do you believe there are animals in Heaven and what would you say if you met a KFC you had for lunch? 

First dates are important because it is an opportunity to get to know the other person better. I usually show great interest in the lady I am dating and ask her questions about herself. Like, do you have a criminal record? Did you finish your education and go to University? How much are you earning? 

I must admit, I have not been very successful with this line of questioning. I guess the ladies I dated were too shy to talk about themselves. 

I said to a date once, "Do you know that my uncle invented the colour mauve? He was in a shop with his wife and she picked up a garment and asked him what colour it was. He was in a hurry to get home so he said, "Come on ... move!" She said, "That's a lovely colour, mauve!"

I told another girl, "My uncle discovered the East Pole. He could not pin it down because it kept moving away from him as the earth rotated. When he went to the North Pole he sat on a block of ice and took photos of the scenery - he developed Polaroids!"

That line of conversation did not work either. So I tried chat-up lines.

I was once fortunate to date a well-to-do young lady who liked horse riding and competed at events. I said to her "Marry me Celestine and I’ll never look at another horse again!" For some reason she slapped my face and I never saw her after that.

Another young lady had a beautiful petite nose, so to compliment her I said, "Did you pick your nose yourself, or were you born like that?" Another slap in the face and a no-show after that.

Other lines used unsuccessfully were:

"Are you a magician? Because whenever I look at you, everyone else disappears!"

"If I were a cat I'd spend all 9 lives with you."

"Please call 9-1-1, because you just made my heart stop!"

"Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first." (Borrowed from Groucho Marx).

I guess women were not interested in me.

Until one day ... ... ...

How about your first dates?