At the doctor's

 

I went to see Doctor Ivor Carbuncle for my normal check-up to see if my sense of humour is still intact. He asked me how I was, I replied, "that's what I'm here for - for you to find out!"

"Are you generally in a good mood?" he asked. "Not really," I replied, "sometimes I wake up grumpy, at other times I let her sleep and go downstairs and make myself some coffee!"

"What are the symptoms?" he asked.

I said they are little yellow cartoon characters on TV, there's Homer and Bart and Lisa and ...

"How is your libido?" he interrupted.

I said, "Oh I gave up that Italian car a long time ago; I now have a Toyota!"

He continued writing and accidentally dropped his pen. I picked it up for him and found another pen under his desk. I gave it to him and asked is this your pen? He scribbled with it and said, "Oh yes ... it surely is my pen!"

"How can you be so sure?" I asked. He replied, "It's my handwriting!"

He then asked, "Do you have trouble passing water?"

I said, "Only if I'm on a bridge or on a boat! I'm afraid I'd fall in!" 

He then suggested he conducts an allergy test. He explained that some people are intolerant to milk; lactose intolerant, others are allergic to dust, pet hairs, feathers and so on. He asked me to roll up my sleeves. I thought he was challenging me to arm wrestling. He said he wasn't.

He put various drops of liquids on my arm and wrote beside them what they were - milk, pet hair, feathers and so on; and we waited for a few minutes to see if there was a reaction to any of them.

Instantly, all of them turned bright red as if inflamed. Turned out I was allergic to the ink in his pen.

He then gave me a psychological test first showing me a lot of ink blots and asked me what I see. I told him I see a messy careless person who cannot write neatly in a book without spilling ink everywhere.

He then said, "I'll say a few words and you tell me what first comes to your mind ...

"Honesty ..."

"Is a rare quality these days." I said.

"Truth ..."

"What is truth? People can't handle the truth these days!"

"Happiness ..."

"Happiness is getting home at night and finding a piece of cheese in the mousetrap!"

"Life ..."

"Life is a series of disappointments punctuated by the occasional failure." 

"Peace ..."

"I'd give you a piece of my mind on this pointless exercise if I could afford it."

He put all the data on the computer and we waited for ten minutes. It was an old computer.

Turned out I am a people intolerant curmudgeon.

I did not have my dictionary with me, so I was at a loss for words to answer him. 

Can it really be? Am I as the computer said? What do you think? Is it true?