How was it for you?

 

Hello again my friends. I hope you had a happy joyful Christmas with plenty of fun and hilarity and whatever else you wished for.

We had a wonderful time with the family. 

It really is good to have the family visiting again eating our food, and guzzling our drinks and trampling everywhere with children running wild and disturbing my peace whilst watching "It's a Wonderful Life" on TV. 

And whilst I'm on the subject; could I record a plea to all TV Channels everywhere not to broadcast this film half way through the story. 

Over the years, I must have seen this film a dozen times and it is always almost half-way through when the angel shows James Stewart what the world would be like if he had not existed. I don't know what the storyline is all about. All I know is that this fellow wanted to kill himself. Perhaps he had the family come round for Christmas and disturb his peace.

Seriously, I really love my family. If it was not for them I would be arguing with complete strangers. 

This year we invited Uncle Pinhead. We call him that because his head is too small in proportion to his body. He doesn't say much. He sat by the fire whistling quietly to himself. 

"Would you like a drink Uncle?" "No thanks!" he replied. "How about some turkey, roast potatoes and other goodies?" "No thanks!" he repeated. "A piece of cake then?" "No thanks!" he smiled and continued whistling tunelessly. So I gave him a few bird seeds to keep him quiet.

Auntie Carty Ledge was also there knitting as usual. I said, "That's a nice violet colour you are knitting." "It's not violet," she corrected, "it's mauve! My Dad invented the colour mauve," she added. "My Mom was buying a dress and she said it's a nice colour, what's it called? Dad was in a hurry to get home so he said, come along woman ... move! Mom said, mauve is a lovely colour and bought the dress!"

She told me she was knitting underwear for the whole family. Can you imagine? Underpants made of knitted wool? I hope mine are not mauve!

Uncle Ivor Rowbottom was there too. He's such a mean and avaricious man. Years ago he told his children that Santa had met with an accident and would not be bringing toys that year. Fortunately, his wife had bought the kids many presents. 

One good thing about having the family around for Christmas is that you do not have those awkward "break-the-ice" moments when you talk inanely about the weather. You can just pick up the argument straight-away from where you left off the last time you met.

Families help you reminisce on old times. You may not remember what you had for breakfast but I bet you remember every detail of ten years ago when you met your cousin Cynthia Carbuncle at your sister's wedding and she made a sarcastic comment about your dress and the fact that you'd put on some weight. 

Should the both of you be fortunate enough to meet up one day in Heaven, you'll remind her of her comment that day. You'll repeat her every word in all details.

With the family around you have to refine your acting skills. You "Oooooh!" and "Wow!" every time you open a present and discover it's another pair of socks or woolly hat that some demented relative has knitted for you. 

There's no way I'll be seen in public in this stupid woolly hat with a pom pom on top. 

Why is it that when we have finished the meal and we sit down in front of the TV everyone talks throughout the program? 

TVs are made for watching in silence. 

Invariably someone would say something inane like, "Doesn't this actor look like George Snotgrass? Remember him? He was expelled from school for farting in class!" 

And to make matters worse, as we finally settled to watch the football there was a knock at the door. It was a friend of ours with her five kids. 

My wife welcomed them in (Why?) and said, "What did Santa get you for Christmas?" 

"A drum, a trumpet, a flute, a clarinet, a tambourine!"

"Really? You should have brought them with you!"

"We have !!!" 

All in all, Christmas is a time for family and friends, good food and drinks, and feigning good humour and happiness that we are together once again.

I would not have it any other way!

DISCLAIMER - This article was written for entertainment value only. Members of my family should in no way take it seriously. I really love having you around. But please; no more socks and woolly hats! Or underwear.