What a day ...

What a day I had ... I woke up this morning and the first job I had to do is sort out my car insurance. I got the renewal papers through the post and the premium had gone up. I phoned the insurance company and said "all I want is insurance against just theft!"

They replied, "There's no such thing; it's insurance against accident, fire and theft."

I replied, "Who'll want to steal a car that's on fire?"

I don't like those insurance people. They always have a reason for not paying. Last year I got a wonderful watch as a present. I insured it against accidental breakage, theft, water damage, magnetic interference and faulty mechanism ... ... ... it caught fire!

I went to the antique shop and saw a wonderful cuckoo clock. It dates back to the 1800s. The man at the shop told me it's an eight-days clock. I asked him what it meant. He said it goes for eight days without me having to wind it up. I asked him how long it would go if I wind it up?

I bought the clock and walked all the way back home. I took the scenic route through the countryside. There was a well in a field. You know Jacob's well in the Bible? It wasn't that one. It was another well.

I sat on the edge of the well and put the clock beside me. I leaned back to admire it thinking I was on my armchair and I fell in the well. Luckily it was dry. The ambulance people pulled me out and asked "have you broken anything?"

I replied, "there was nothing down there to break!" What a silly question to ask.

On my way home I witnessed an accident. A prison van, with prisoners on board, had collided with a lorry full of mixed concrete. The police are looking for some hardened criminals.

In another crime related story, I read in the papers that a hole had been found in the local nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.

They then entered the premises and interviewed a number of people airing their differences. The police believed that the members were withholding evidence, but the nudists insisted they had nothing to hide.

Life is getting expensive with prices going up all the time. In the Old Days I went to the shop with $1 and got two bags of potato chips, a bottle of soft drink and a bar of chocolate. Now they have CCTV cameras everywhere.

On my way home I visited a friend. He was in his front yard cleaning his car. He told me, "There's nothing better than old underpants for drying your car after you washed it!"

I said, "Perhaps so ... but take them off first!"

He was standing there rubbing his backside against the car doors. 

He told me some naughty gossip. A woman down the road from us, a few houses away ... apparently she was having an affair with a builder who was doing some building work at their house. 

Whilst she was with him ... if you understand what I mean ... her husband came home unexpectedly. The builder got up hurriedly and said, "I'll escape though the back door!"

She replied, "We don't have a back door!"

He asked, "Do you want me to build you one?"

Anyway ... do you like to hear a joke? This next one is so good I can't wait to hear the punch-line.

There once was a ventriloquist sitting on the stage going through his routine. The dummy he was holding was telling one blonde joke after another ... "there was this blonde ..."

The audience laughed themselves to tears. Eventually a blonde woman had enough of these insults. She stood up and shouted, "Stop all these jokes. They are degrading and insulting to blondes everywhere. You should be ashamed!"

The ventriloquist stopped his act and said apologetically, "I'm sorry madam ... I meant no offence."

She replied, "I'm not talking to you ... I'm talking to the little man sitting on your knee."

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