Business venture

 

Dear friends,

I wish to invite you to a new business venture which will not only increase your investment but will put you at the forefront of the beauty industry.

I have teamed up with an innovative laboratory which has created the answer to everyone's dream.

You have heard of breast augmentation, and also thighs and backside uplifts and increases; or for some people muscle increases and a beautiful strong figure ... well, this is the next step in how to enhance your looks with no surgery or pain whatsoever.

This is a new cream which, when applied sparingly on your nose, will make it grow a few millimetres at a time. At first the growth will be unnoticeable, but in a short period of two weeks you can have a nose twice the size of your current one. This is an offer not to be sniffed at.

Imagine a longer or bulkier nose. And the more you apply the cream the more the nose will grow.

In some laboratory tests individuals had a nose which enters a room a few seconds before them. 

Think of the advantages of a bigger nose. You can lie to your heart's content and no one will know. You can smell in the dark. You can identify with pinpoint accuracy who broke wind in the elevator. In confined spaces you'll be able to absorb more oxygen than anyone else. You can ring the doorbell with your nose when your hands are full. This and many other features are at your disposal with a new bigger nose.

Big noses are the fashionable trend this winter. 

Do not miss this opportunity to invest in a fledgling new industry which will make you rich beyond compare. Do not turn your nose up at this offer. 

Please phone me for more details. Use your nose to dial my number and see how difficult it is with your current size and shape.

A new venture gone wrong

 

I started a new business venture which, I am sad to say, is not going that well. I decided to provide a horse-sitting service. It's a bit like baby sitting, or to be more precise, it's like dog or cat kennels where people leave their pets when they go on holidays.

We live near a racecourse and there's a number of stables around, so I thought this service would prove popular. 

I got a contract from someone to look after his horses. He plays polo and this is his set of six horses.

I thought that I would go to his stables and feed his horses, clean their stables and so on. Easy work and good money.

On the day in question a couple of big vehicles turned up at our home and his people delivered six horses. I asked why are they not at the man's stables, and was told he has gone away on business and the stables are being refurbished and repainted and the horses are to stay with me. 

I do not have any stables in my back garden. I do not have any in my front garden either. The horses have been in our living room for a week. They made quite a mess of the carpet and they insist on watching horse racing on TV and programs of Mr Ed; whoever he is. They stand there facing the TV and saying "Neigh ... Neigh ..." to each other. 

My wife is very upset about the whole thing. She said my business plan is flawed. I put the cart before the horse.

I showed her how much the man paid us and said, "Never look a gift horse in the mouth!" 

She got more upset and said it was more a question of Trojan horses who have taken over our whole way of life as well as the living room.

At this, one of the horses went "Neigh!!!" And that was his contribution to the argument. "Neigh ..." straight from the horse's mouth.

It was pointless closing the front door after the horses got in!

My Business Venture Failure

 

I regret to announce that my latest business venture has failed; and the Corporation I set up has gone into liquidation and bankruptcy despite my many attempts to surmount obstacles and difficulties.

As you know, the rhinoceros is very short sighted. So I set out to help these beautiful creatures by opening a chain of opticians stores in the jungle. The project was doomed to failure from the start.

Our first problem was getting the rhinoceros to sit in the optician's chair. He would not fit in. He wriggled left and right trying to escape. He knocked the whole place about with various equipment and lenses flying all over the place. At one point he kicked our animal psychiatrist in the head and made him reconsider the wisdom of his profession.

In a way, it was just retribution since it was the psychiatrist who encouraged me into this failed venture. He said that rhinos would be more docile and less violent if they could see properly; and the only reason they attack Jeeps and large vehicles is because they think it's another male trying to take over their herd.

We got a bigger chair, but that was no use. The size of the chair was not the problem. The animal was obstinate and in no mood to co-operate. Eventually, when we got him settled with the promise of a lollipop or a sweet if he behaves, we encountered our second problem.

The animal could not read the various sized letters on the chart. How can we check on his eyesight if he could not read? We tried to test the sharpness of his visions by placing various lenses on his eyes and asking, "Is it better this way? Or this way? This way? Or this way?" But he just grunted and not reply.

When at last we managed somehow to measure the creature's eyesight it proved impossible to get him to wear spectacles. He just shook his head and sent the glasses flying. Getting him to wear contact lenses was another failure since he could not pick up the lens with his big feet.

Our chain of stores in the jungle has not seen a customer for months. Despite many offers of 50% reductions in price or get one spectacle and get the other free. 

I wonder whether dental care for crocodiles would be more of a success.

Invitation to join a new profitable Business Venture

Dear Friends,

I have a very interesting business proposition to put to you which will mature into a valuable investment.

But first let me give you some background.

A certain member of our family recently made a batch full of black buns. Now for those who don’t know, this is a rich Scottish fruitcake which is encased in pastry and then cooked. It is a particular delicacy up North on Hogmanay; and other celebratory occasions.

Now for some reason, this particular batch of black buns was harder than usual. I mean, black buns in our household are normally hard, but this lot was so hard you could have built a house with them. If you had enough of them that is; which thankfully we didn’t.

No one wanted to eat them so I took them to the local park to feed the ducks in the pond. To my amazement the black buns floated on the surface of the water. Perhaps they were hollow inside, or the rising pastry had trapped some air between the casing and the fruitcake inside.

As soon as these pastry bricks floated on the pond a flock of ducks came floating towards them cackling with excitement. The sound attracted even more ducks and swans and birds who gathered around me for a Scottish feast.

Surprisingly, their sharp beaks managed to break through the concrete pastry and into the cake but … oh horror … as soon as the ducks and swans ate some of the fruitcake they sank to the bottom of the pond like stones. A while later they got up to the surface and quickly got out of the water belching and farting and searching for indigestion tablets.

I got home somewhat dejected at my failure in introducing our ducks to a Northern delicacy; and then it hit me … (someone threw a black bun at me which I had inadvertently forgotten behind!).

I picked up the bun and pondered. As I held the cake in my hand the warmth I generated started to soften the pastry. I ate a bit. It tasted nice and soft; so did the cake inside.

And that’s how genius works, my friends.

I had in my hand a hard edible substance, hard enough for me to stand on it without it crumbling, yet body warmth makes it soft, and safe to eat, and sweet.

What if I had enough black buns ingredients to mould the cake into the shape of a seat?

We quickly made another lot and in about an hour or so we had made a small baby-sized chair. It was strong enough for me to sit on, I tell you; yet, after a while I could break off a bit from the chair and eat it.

That’s it folks! Edible furniture has arrived.

We’re now discussing business terms with a furniture manufacturer and a large bakery nearby.

We intend making all sorts of seats, chairs, sofas, armchairs, as well as tables and other household items.

We’re thinking about different flavors too. Chocolate is a distinct favorite as well as vanilla flavored pastry and savory cakes too.

Can you imagine the endless possibilities?

You invite guests to dinner at your house and end up eating the furniture. We’re considering meat and vegetable flavors too as well as vegetarian and vegan products.

The advantage of this is that you save on expensive meals which you have to prepare and cook and, every time you have a party you have a new style of furniture to keep up with the latest styles and fashions … and flavors.

If you go on a picnic, all you have to take with you is some chairs which you can eat whilst lying there on the beach, or nearby a river, or in the park. And don’t worry about cleaning up afterwards. Any crumbs you leave behind will be eaten by the birds.

Imagine for a moment sports venues where all the spectators sit on edible seats which they eat whilst enjoying the football game. They’d be able to book a seat in advance in their favorite flavors.

The same applies to cinemas and theaters. Can you see yourself eating through an opera or a concert?

I’ve received this morning an order for a large consignment of said edible furniture from a famous Department Store. I could have shown you the order, but I ate it.

So if you wish to make a fortune, you’d better invest in this new venture right now.

It’s selling like hot cakes.