Snakes Alive

 

I read in the papers that there is a real possibility that we might have snakes in our homes. Apparently with colder weathers in some countries snakes are entering houses and hiding in the loft or attic by climbing up drain pipes or even hiding in wall partitions or in cellars. They could be hiding behind furniture or anywhere warm; like behind the fridge.

So beware around the house and be on the look-put for anything out of the ordinary. Be careful when picking up clothes left lying on the bed, or a chair or on the floor; as a snake could be curled up amongst the clothes to keep warm. Snakes also like humid conditions for their skin; so be in the look-out in the bathroom, in the laundry basket, or hanging clothes like dressing gowns; you might put one on and find you're sharing it with a python.

A man found a snake in his car engine. It seems the snake crawled into the car from underneath when the car was parked and the engine still warm. When the owner switched on the engine the next morning there was an odd sound. When he opened the bonnet he found the snake had been caught in the cooling fan and had been killed.

With colder weather in some countries, many creatures are finding new living habitat in homes and offices. Especially various spiders, scorpions, snakes and insects.

As for bats ... they may be out and about at night, but where are they the rest of the time? In the wild they live mainly in caves, but if there isn't one near your house where do you think they hide? Try your loft, or your cellar, or the garage, or any other out-building. They can enter your house from any small gap under the roof tiles between the roof and the wall. They are as small as a mouse or rat and can squeeze themselves in. If you go up in the loft or attic to search for something you may well disturb a whole flock of them. If they can't all get out at once, like a crowd from a supermarket, they'll just fly around "blindly" and most likely get entangled in your hair. That's one advantage of being bald.

Have a Happy Halloween ... statistically speaking you are always nearer to a snake, scorpion, bat or rat than you think. "It's behind you!!!!"  

Halloween

 

I was in France many years ago when I was young. I stayed at an auberge in Paris just by the river. For those who don't know, an auberge is not a large aubergine; it is a small hotel with a pub and restaurant all in one. I remember a man had drunk so much that he fell into the river. He was in Seine!

Anyway, back to my story. That night as I lay in bed in my small auberge room I heard a noise. I sat up and a frisson went down my spine - I guess in London it would have been a shudder. I ran towards the door to reach the communal bathroom and I tripped on something on my way out.

It was a ghost. Not a small ghost, but the ghost of a fully grown small man. He told me, in French, that his name was Too Loose LeTrick. 

I'd never met a French speaking ghost. I always assumed they spoke in English. Although as I recall, a friend of mine said he met an Italian speaking ghost when communicating on a Luigi Board once. All he got from him was a recipe for pasta.

Back to my story. The French ghost, Too Loose Le Trick, told me that when he was alive he had studied to be a doctor, but he was so short he could not see above his patients' knees. So he became a chiropodist instead. 

I was very frightened at seeing such an apparition, small as it was, and I was desperate to go to the bathroom. I must have cried a little because I felt tears trickling down my leg. 

He was polite and tried to communicate in English. "Are you zee frightened monsieur?" he asked.

"Oui ... un peu ... a little" I mumbled.

"Moi aussi ..." he said, "me too ... I am zee afraid of my wife ... Madame Penoir. She eez zee big monster all zee ways complaining." 

At this point a clock somewhere struck 10:35pm.

"Oh ... I must go to my wife," he said. "she gets veree upset when I am zee late! I tell her zat I am haunting tourists in old auberges; but she eez not believing me. She says she can see right through me!"

And with that he vanished.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

Halloween smiles

 

My wife said to me yesterday, “Honey, I think we should do something really scary for the kids this Halloween.”

I said, “Well, we could always take them to your mother’s.”

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Whoever said "nothing is impossible" clearly never tried slamming a revolving door.

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My mother used to say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Lovely woman. Useless surgeon.

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Last Halloween there was a knock on the door. I looked out of the window and then shouted upstairs to my wife, “Honey there’s a witch at the door. What shall I do?”

She shouted back, “Just give her some candy and tell her to get lost.”

My mother-in-law hasn’t spoken to me since.

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Families are like fudge, mostly sweet with a few nuts. I like families. If it was not for my family I would be arguing with perfect strangers.

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My wife felt like she’d seen a new caring considerate side to me after I spent the day making treats for the Halloween callers.

I really hope they appreciated my home-made toffee onions.

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Did you hear about the crazy person who fell into the French river in Paris? He was in Seine.

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The best part about Halloween is that the cobwebs in my house look like decorations.

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If you’re in need of a job, you could try Search and Rescue. They’re always looking for people.

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The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.” I did just that and now I can’t open it, as the door faces the wall

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What language do oranges speak? Mandarin.

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In hospital, I was forced to swallow some purple coloured liquid. I feel violated.

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I’ve spent the past week indoors learning escapology. I need to get out more.

 

HALLOWEEN

HALLOWEEN

BEWARE

THIS VIDEO

IS TOO SCARY

FOR ME

BUT PROBABLY

NOT FOR YOU !!!!

Halloween experience I'll never forget

 

Halloween is meant to be fun. It amuses the children and (for me) it is a source of chocolates and sweets. So I'm in favour of that.

But sometimes Halloween goes too far. That's up to people of course, but I don't like it when it involves me. Do your own thing if you want but don't involve me. Don't put me in a difficult situation.

As happened years ago. I'll never forget it.

We were at a Halloween party given by my boss at his large house somewhere deep in the country. That in itself was a setting for a spooky film. 

A big, dark,18th Century manor, surrounded by tall trees. 

Autumn leaves falling to the ground; giving the impression that the bare trees silhouetted against the dark sky, lit by an anaemic moon, were ready to bend down and grasp you in their branches and do unspeakable things to you.

I had gone there with another work colleague in his car. So there was no way I could back out and pretend I was unwell and wanted to go home.

There were about a dozen or so people at this party. It was quiet and pleasant enough, and everyone was talking about work amongst the canapés and drinks and soft music from a violin being played on the Hi-Fi speakers. 

Why do they call them canapés? Did you know it means a leather settee or couch, in French? What a stupid thing to call them.

For those who don't know it, a canapé is a small piece of bread or pastry with a savoury topping usually from a tin of cat or dog food. It is presented to you on a platter. You take one delicately with your fingers and pretend to enjoy it whilst making meaningless conversation about nothing with someone who would most probably bore the pants off you!

That's the official definition in the new dictionary which I am currently writing.

So there we were boring each other to an early death making inane conversation about profit margins, economic out-turn and the bottom line ... actually ... to be honest ... I was very interested about the bottom line of that beautiful young lady in the very low cut dress both at the front and the back. How did she keep that dress in place? It seemed that the delicate garment was hanging on to dear life at every contour of her body. Do you think she used Velcro? A two-sided tape maybe, stuck to her body at certain parts and holding the dress by Velcro? 

The mysteries of life for ever haunt me ...

As I was saying before that woman interrupted my thoughts ... we were canapeing and drinking and talking when my boss' wife suggested we have a seance. 

Most of the guests were enthusiastic about it; either genuinely so or they were afraid of the boss. I of course was too much of a coward to be afraid of the boss. I was afraid of losing my job instead.

Anyway, Isabella ... that's the boss's wife, brought out a Luigi Board which she had bought from Italy when she visited her parents the previous year.

About six of the guests sat round a table and put their fingers on this little contraption which moved freely on the Luigi Board.

Isabella read the instructions from the manual that came with the board and then asked, "Is anyone there?"

The little contraption spelled out, "Whatsa do yah wanter ... I am bizzy making dah pizza right now!"

Turns out she had summoned an Italian ghost which came with the Luigi Board as an additional extra.

The seance took a little longer than usual because we had to translate everything the ghost said; but I got a nice recipe for tagliatelle with carbonara sauce.

My Halloween

My real life Halloween

Please spare a few minutes as I tell you what happened to me on that dreadful frightful night !!!

My Unexpected Halloween

We were young and full of fun. We were prepared for anything but we knew our limits. We knew where to draw the line and where enough was enough.

It was getting close to Halloween. We were invited to a Halloween party on a Saturday night and we were asked to come in appropriate costumes.

Not my cup of tea. I do not like themed parties and especially parties where you have to dress up. But John and his wife Julie were colleagues from work and it would be churlish to turn up at their party wearing my work suit, or casual jeans and T shirt. So I hired a costume and arrived as Merlin the wizard from the times of King Arthur and his Knights of the round table. Not exactly Halloween costume, but it was the only one available at the rental shop that fitted me.

The party was OK, I suppose. A lot of people in their twenties mingling together, talking, eating, drinking and generally having a subdued party of sorts. There was some soft music in the background, but no dancing. John and Julie's house was not big enough for dancing. So we stood, or sat and chatted about this and that and everything else.

Then Julie suggested we try something different seeing it was Halloween. Why don't we sit down quietly round the table and try to contact the other side on her Luigi Board, (it was made in Italy).

Now that is definitely not my thing. Getting dressed in a stupid costume is one thing. Getting involved with the other side is another. I do believe in the spirit world; I believe that when we die we still continue to live in a spiritual world. Yet I do not believe it is wise or prudent to try and contact spirits; certainly not for fun. Whether it is Halloween or not.

What could I do? I could not leave. I had been driven there out in the country by friends. They were keen to stay and try the Luigi Board. So I was trapped. I could not leave and to protest and not take part would be rather rude. Besides, I am a coward by nature; and too scared to walk in the countryside in the dark.

So we sat down round this table. Julie brought out the Luigi Board. We held hands, or the tips of the fingers on this heart shaped piece of wood, (planchette), on the board and Julie asked: "Is anyone there?"

Our fingers moved the planchette in unison on the board. The answer was: "No!"

We were all riveted in confusion. If there was no one there then who answered "No!" ???

Julie was not deterred. We moved the planchette to its original starting position and Julie asked: "Is there anything you like to say?"

Again, the fingers moved the wooden heart on the board in unison. I was not putting any pressure on the wood, but felt as if I was being "led" by the rest of the group.

The answer from the "other side" was: "Yoo ave no knew massages!"

We all stopped simultaneously and no one said anything. I could tell we were all wondering what was happening here. If there was no one there, then who is answering that there are no messages for anyone? Is it our collective subconscious making the wooden piece move? If so, how come we were all thinking the same thing? How come we all answered "No ... No messages"?

"This has never happened before," said Julie showing her frustration, "is there anyone here who does not believe in spirits, or thinks it is wrong to communicate with them?"

At first no one answered. So I dismissed my natural cowardice and said, "I believe in spirits. Both real ones and those in bottles. I don't think we should talk to them though!"

Julie looked at me in anger. I knew that if she had her dictionary with her she would have said something rude to me; since her swear words vocabulary was rather limited. But she retained her composure. She remembered she was the hostess; and her husband was my boss. She smiled and suggested that perhaps it would be a good idea if I did not take part.

I pulled back my hand and sat a little further back from the table. She replaced the heart in its original position and asked: "Is anyone there?"

Again, the fingers of the remaining participants moved in unison on the board. They spelled the word, "Nein".

"There's nine of them," said one of the guests.

"Either that, or the spirit is dyslexic," I joked.

Julie's husband, John, laughed heartily. Because he was the boss, the other guests joined in the laughter. Julie looked at her husband with one of those stares that said, "I'll sort you out later!"

You don't need a Luigi Board to translate what that look of death meant.

Her husband stopped laughing, picked up a bottle of whisky and asked, "Spirits anyone?"

I offered him my glass with a smile. He filled it and winked at me.

Julie said that perhaps the spirits were not being communicative this evening. She packed up the Luigi Board and suggested we try the trifle which she had made earlier. It contained a generous portion of sherry and port.

Another couple of spirits I am well acquainted with.

It was a great Halloween after all.