Dogs in my life

 

Before I was born my parents had a little dog. I've been told that when I was born my parents were happy because I was almost as cute as the dog. They named me after him because I shook myself left and right like a dog does to dry himself. 

My parents were prepared for my arrival because they brought with them in hospital one of those small carrier cages people use to carry pets. The doctor and nurses were concerned. They asked, "have you got a dog at home?" When my parents said YES, they said, "make sure you don't neglect the dog now you have a baby!"

At home the dog and I enjoyed many meals together. I preferred the tinned dog food to those dry pellets. We often went to the park and my dad used to throw a stick and see who would get it first.

One day whilst out in the park my dad lost the dog. He was broken-hearted. I suggested he puts an advert in the newspaper, also posters all over the area which he could stick on trees, notice boards and such like. A few days later and he still did not find his dog. I asked him what he had written on the advert and posters. He replied, "Here boy!"

We eventually found our dog two days later. He was OK. Our neighbour, an old man, was so envious of us that he must have got a dog too.  He chose a silly name for his dog, I thought. He called him "Help!"

I remember soon afterwards I could hear the old man calling "Help! Help!" in his garden. Eventually, he must have found him because he stopped calling. The next morning, whilst I was out buying a newspaper, I saw an ambulance outside the old man's house. I wondered why but never found out.

As I grew up my love for dogs continued. I worked for a charity for homeless dogs. I volunteered to do a parachute jump to raise funds for the charity. People sponsored me.

On the day itself TV and the Press were there to see us take off. We took an Alsatian dog in the plane with us. The intention was that I would parachute with an expert parachutist strapped behind me, (or I in front of him). He would do all the guidance and open the parachute at the right time. As I was getting ready to jump the dog ran at me and pushed me out of the plane. We both fell with the dog hanging on my back. I pulled the cord but nothing happened. I was pulling the dog's lead. Eventually I pulled the right cord and landed safely on my stomach on the ground below. The dog ran away off my back to the nearest tree to relieve himself. I did not wait to find a tree.

When we lived in London a friend of ours asked if we could look after their dog whilst they go away for the weekend. It’s a white Labradoodle; a cross between a Labrador and a poodle. It looks like a big sheep with fluffy white fur. It’s called “Koocheekoo”.

As soon as we got out for a walk he started bouncing and galloping as if he was fitted with springs on its legs. We walked up our street and then we stopped on the edge of the side-walk to cross the road. He stood on his back legs and tried to lick my face. I gently got him down again and waited for a gap in the traffic so we could cross. As I looked left and right for enough space in the traffic to cross the road the stupid creature lifted his back leg and did his business on my leg.

I lifted my right leg, almost as a reflex action to see the damage done to my trousers when, at that very instant, the dog noticed a cat some distance away and made a run for it. He caught me off-guard and off-balance … I dropped flat sideways like a felled tree. I held on tight to the lead whilst the dog was pulling hard, standing on its hind legs, and barking its head off to attract the attention of every passer-by. It was at that point, whilst lying flat on the ground, that I noticed that my nose was only inches away from another solid deposit left there by another dog.

Yes, thinking back, dogs have always been part of my life. I love them so. 

This morning at work I found my secretary crying because her small dog had died. It broke my heart seeing her so miserable so I went out and bought her an identical dog. Now she has two dead dogs.

 

NOTE: Humour only. No dogs, doctors, nurses, old neighbours or anyone or anything else have been harmed in the writing of this story. All characters and situations are fictitious and any similarities to persons, animals or situations are purely coincidental.

Insects and all that ...

Once upon a time there was a moth which flew in through a chiropodist's open window and said, "Doctor, please help me out!"

"Of course," said the chiropodist, "which window did you come in?"

"No ... no ..." said the moth, "I meant I need your medical help ... I am depressed ... always sad and depressed ..."

"Sorry I can't help you," said the medic, "I am a chiropodist. Not a psychiatrist, or psychologist, or hypnotist or any similar medic that can help you with depression".

"Yes, I know," said the depressed moth.

"Why did you come in and see me then?" asked the medic.

"Because the light was on ..." replied the moth.

Oh well ... it made me laugh anyway.

Reminds me of another story. One day as I was going to work I noticed a snail on my doorstep. I nearly trod on it and killed it. To save it from a mishap I picked it up and threw it in a bush some three feet away out of harm's way.

A week later the doorbell rang. I opened the door and the snail said, "What was all that about, throwing me in the bush?"

I hope this one made you smile. How about ...

The following day the doorbell rang again and there on my doorstep was a hammerhead shark. I invited him in to watch the football on TV. He said, "can't get in ... your door is not wide enough!"

I think you're a tough crowd today, but I'll continue ... I can go on all day until I get a smile from at least one of you.

The following day the doorbell rang continuously ... non-stop ... ding dong ding dong ding dong ding dong ... shall I go on? Ding dong ding dong ding dong ding dong ...

I opened the door and there was this huge gorilla standing there. I said, "all right mate ... you can stop now!"

He said, "I can't ... my finger is stuck on your doorbell!"

Gorilla ... stuck ... come on now folks ... give me a break!

Did you know if you are having a picnic and you're bothered by wasps the best way to get rid of them is to hang a paper bag from a nearby tree? They'll think it is another wasps nest and they'll go away from its territory.

Make sure the paper bag does not have the shop's name on it. This will not fool the wasps.

The best place to have a picnic apparently is in a cemetery ... no body there to bother you.

I love animals ... don't you? I have spent a fortune on sick animals ... mainly sick horses and dogs. Mind you, I did not know they were sick when I placed a bet on them to win.

My parents used to make me walk the plank ... we did not have a dog.

We were very poor in them days. Did not even have the bare essentials. We used to tie a hedgehog to a stick and use it as a toilet brush.

Have you ever been swimming with dolphins? I never did. I'd like to go cycling with dolphins. If we humans can learn to swim I can't see why the lazy so and sos can't learn to cycle.

As a child I loved to observe ants on a sunny day with a magnifying glass. It's odd how they burst into flames. Instant combustion … it's more common than you think amongst ants!

I killed a cockroach whilst staying at a cheap hotel once. Within minutes my room was infested by cockroaches. They'd come for the funeral.

And finally ... a skunk running through the forest suddenly stops as the wind changes direction. He says, "Ah ... it's all coming back to me now!"

And really finally ... a hyena in the forest meets some monkeys and asks for their help. Apparently, every so often a lion attacks it and beat it black and blue. The monkeys agree to help. A little later the lion attacks the hyena in a ferocious fight. The monkeys all climb up a tree and watch.

Eventually, the lion has had enough fun and walks away, leaving the hyena torn to pieces.

"Why did you not help me?" the hyena asks the monkeys.

They replied, "You were laughing so much we thought you were enjoying it!"