Snaillemma

 

I have a dilemma involving a snail.

I have a French friend called Antoine. I don't know why he's called Antoine. We all call him Tony. He lives in the UK but has gone home to France to see his parents. He asked me to look after his snail whilst he was away. Just one snail in a glass tank. I am to feed him lettuce leaves and some dandelion leaves every now and then.

The problem: Edouard, the snail has escaped. I did not know snails could be so fast. One night he was there in his tank and the next morning he was gone. We looked everywhere, starting with "where did you see him last?"

"In the tank!"

"Did you check there?"

"Of course I did, otherwise I would not have known that the snail is missing!" 

An argument ensued. I was told not to be flippant. Meantime the snail had a head-start and escaped some more.  

We searched some more. Every room. On top of cupboards, under cupboards, inside cupboards ... tables ... chairs ... TV ... fridge ...

We placed notices on lamp posts and trees in our street. The streets all around us. Even in shop windows.

"Snail Lost - looks like any other snail!"

The dilemma: Do we respond to several offers of ordinary garden snails people have picked up from their gardens? Do we pay a reward for finding Edouard? How do we know it is him? Will Tony realise it is not him when he returns from France? 

What would you do? Confess to having lost Edouard or replace him with a fake one? 

What is honesty? Is it always the best policy? Did Edouard have an Insurance Policy? 

High Life

 

When I worked in London I lived in an apartment block. I had an apartment on the seventh floor overlooking a London park.

One day I got home and went out on the balcony of the apartment and found a snail. I was surprised. How did it get there? Did it climb all the way from the street below on the outside of the building? It must have taken him ages to get up to the seventh floor. Or did he get in through the front door of the building and took the elevator up to my apartment?

How did he manage to press the button No. 7 in the elevator? Or did someone do it for him?

My first instinct was to throw him out of the balcony, but I thought his shell would break as he hit the ground and he would die. 

So I thought of eating him as part of my meal. Not much of a portion, just one snail. Besides, I did not have any fresh garlic for the sauce.

So I decided to lower him gently to the street below in a small plant pot tied with a piece of string. The string was not long enough and he only reached floor No. 4 below me. So I pulled him back up again. Found a longer piece of string which I tied to the original string and lowered him gently to the street below. The stupid animal did not want to come out of the pot. I jiggled and shook the pot a few times by pulling and swinging the string. The snail would not come out.

At one point I thought he was out of the pot so I pulled the string up again. When I looked in the pot, the snail was still there.

All the time I was trying to work out how he got to my seventh floor balcony in the first place. 

Then a blackbird flew by and rested on the parapet of the balcony.

That's what must have happened. The blackbird had picked up the snail from the park and flew up here to eat it and clumsily dropped it into my balcony. No doubt he is back now searching for his snail. Well, he is not going to have it.

I imagined a wrestling type fight between me and the blackbird as to who will have the snail. Fortunately, he was a coward and flew away without putting up a fight.

I lowered the snail down to terra firma once more. I swung the pot and unfortunately the string broke. I now had a long piece of string but no pot. I pulled the string up and got all the way down to the street to retrieve my pot. The snail was no longer there. I wonder where it went.

In summer I usually had a nice pizza and beer sitting in that balcony looking down at the park opposite.  

One day I got in the kitchen for a few minutes and when I got back there was a bee in my glass of beer. There was not much beer in it, just a few drops. But enough to make the bee drunk. I retrieved it with a spoon and in order to revive it I put it in a cup of strong coffee. The stupid creature could not swim and died. Either that, or the coffee was too hot!

Insects and all that ...

Once upon a time there was a moth which flew in through a chiropodist's open window and said, "Doctor, please help me out!"

"Of course," said the chiropodist, "which window did you come in?"

"No ... no ..." said the moth, "I meant I need your medical help ... I am depressed ... always sad and depressed ..."

"Sorry I can't help you," said the medic, "I am a chiropodist. Not a psychiatrist, or psychologist, or hypnotist or any similar medic that can help you with depression".

"Yes, I know," said the depressed moth.

"Why did you come in and see me then?" asked the medic.

"Because the light was on ..." replied the moth.

Oh well ... it made me laugh anyway.

Reminds me of another story. One day as I was going to work I noticed a snail on my doorstep. I nearly trod on it and killed it. To save it from a mishap I picked it up and threw it in a bush some three feet away out of harm's way.

A week later the doorbell rang. I opened the door and the snail said, "What was all that about, throwing me in the bush?"

I hope this one made you smile. How about ...

The following day the doorbell rang again and there on my doorstep was a hammerhead shark. I invited him in to watch the football on TV. He said, "can't get in ... your door is not wide enough!"

I think you're a tough crowd today, but I'll continue ... I can go on all day until I get a smile from at least one of you.

The following day the doorbell rang continuously ... non-stop ... ding dong ding dong ding dong ding dong ... shall I go on? Ding dong ding dong ding dong ding dong ...

I opened the door and there was this huge gorilla standing there. I said, "all right mate ... you can stop now!"

He said, "I can't ... my finger is stuck on your doorbell!"

Gorilla ... stuck ... come on now folks ... give me a break!

Did you know if you are having a picnic and you're bothered by wasps the best way to get rid of them is to hang a paper bag from a nearby tree? They'll think it is another wasps nest and they'll go away from its territory.

Make sure the paper bag does not have the shop's name on it. This will not fool the wasps.

The best place to have a picnic apparently is in a cemetery ... no body there to bother you.

I love animals ... don't you? I have spent a fortune on sick animals ... mainly sick horses and dogs. Mind you, I did not know they were sick when I placed a bet on them to win.

My parents used to make me walk the plank ... we did not have a dog.

We were very poor in them days. Did not even have the bare essentials. We used to tie a hedgehog to a stick and use it as a toilet brush.

Have you ever been swimming with dolphins? I never did. I'd like to go cycling with dolphins. If we humans can learn to swim I can't see why the lazy so and sos can't learn to cycle.

As a child I loved to observe ants on a sunny day with a magnifying glass. It's odd how they burst into flames. Instant combustion … it's more common than you think amongst ants!

I killed a cockroach whilst staying at a cheap hotel once. Within minutes my room was infested by cockroaches. They'd come for the funeral.

And finally ... a skunk running through the forest suddenly stops as the wind changes direction. He says, "Ah ... it's all coming back to me now!"

And really finally ... a hyena in the forest meets some monkeys and asks for their help. Apparently, every so often a lion attacks it and beat it black and blue. The monkeys agree to help. A little later the lion attacks the hyena in a ferocious fight. The monkeys all climb up a tree and watch.

Eventually, the lion has had enough fun and walks away, leaving the hyena torn to pieces.

"Why did you not help me?" the hyena asks the monkeys.

They replied, "You were laughing so much we thought you were enjoying it!"