Being a Grumpy Old Man

 

Being a grumpy old man, or woman, can often be a good thing because the chances are you are still holding to good old fashioned values, habits and modes of behaviour. Some things that the modern idiot fatheads of today know nothing about as they graduate from so-called educational establishments with degrees in stupidity.

In olden days, and it was not that far back as you might think, a man would stand up when a woman entered the room, or left the dinner table. He would open a door for a woman or give up his seat on a bus or train. It was called courtesy. Young readers: look up this word in a dictionary if you have one; that is if you can spare a minute from taking selfie-pictures of yourself to post on social media.

Why do youngsters do that? Why do they take so many photos of themselves to share with all and sundry? Is it lack of self-confidence, or is it an impotent search for stardom in  a world of mediocrity?

In olden days, despite often poor education compared to today, people generally had the ability to think, to analyse, to discuss and come to conclusions. You did not need a degree to know right from wrong, how to behave as an individual, and how to respect other people even if you don't agree with them, and how to behave as a community or as a nation.

Today, it seems the current generations are led by slogans and sound-bites and placards at demonstrations rather than consider seriously the outcomes of their views and proposals were they to be implemented. 

There's no denying the honesty and passion of their thinking, but they seem to be led blindly, almost robotically, rather than through well thought out and reasoned argument. Regardless of the subject in question: the environment, global warming, cost of living, the future or whatever; the modern debate is led by passion rather than reasoning. 

The present generations do not seem to consider the consequences of their proposals; or indeed act personally in accordance with what they preach.   

For example, would all those concerned about saving the planet from environmental disaster be willing to forgo their holidays abroad to ever distant locations? 

Would they give up updating their technical gizmos like cell-phones, tablets, and other techie gadgets every few months to the latest models just to be fashionable? 

Would they consider giving up all the beauty cosmetic products and perfumes and latest fashions and designs in clothing?

Can you imagine how much raw materials, not to mention energy and costs, are used in providing those three consumables alone? Holiday travel, technical gadgets and fashion and cosmetics? 

Do they realise how much fuel alone would be saved if they did not go abroad on holiday? And how this would affect their carbon footprint? The same argument applies to ever changing electronic devices and cosmetic and fashion items.

In olden days people were lucky to go to the local beach for a few days as a vacation. Their only techie machine was a clothes mangle which they turned by hand. I remember we had one which we also used to push dough through and make round pizzas. And the only cosmetic was a red paste colouring made of beetroot which auntie used as a lipstick and to colour her cheeks red. (The ones on her face!)

Personally, I find advantages in being a grumpy old man, (or looking like one, because I'm not that old really).

For a start I can say what I want and people accept it. They say, "Oh it's him again ... better ignore him!" So I give them a piece of my mind, whereas a younger person would be more cautious of getting punched on the nose.

Yes, you can say what you want when you're old and get away with it. If you're Catholic, like me, you can go to confession and ask the priest if he's heard any good gossip lately.

Or you can put a stick of celery through someone's window and shout, "The Triffids have landed. The Triffids have landed!"

Or put a carrot on your shoulder and tell everyone you are a vegetarian pirate. Or poor cream on your shoulder and tell them your parrot had diarrhoea.

For a laugh you can put some cake, custard and jelly in someone's handbag and say, "Don't trifle with a woman's affections!" (For those young ones who don't know what a trifle is look it up on Google. For those old ones who don't know what Google is ask a young one to tell you).

If you have to wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom; and you don't know what time it is. Just open a window and beat a drum, or blow on a trumpet or bagpipes. Someone is sure to shout: "Who's making all that **** racket at three in the morning?"

And finally ... and finally ... there's an advantage to being a grumpy old man. You can afford not to shave every day. You can wear ill-fitting clothes. And you can wear your trousers right up to your nipples and hold them there with a large belt as well as braces. And with such sartorial elegance you'd be the sex symbol for the woman who doesn't care any more.

Good morning grumpy

 

The Angels were looking down from a window in Heaven and saying, "1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ...."

Jesus walks past and asks, "What are you doing?"

Gabriel replies, "We are counting how many people say 'Good morning God', when they wake up!"

Well, how about you?

I sometimes wake up grumpy in the morning. At other times I just let her sleep!

No ... wait ... let's be serious for a moment.

Do you welcome a new day as you wake up each morning? Do you thank God that you made it through the night and are ready to face a new day? Or do you dread another day full of chores, worry and difficulties?

How does God see you as you wake up? Does He smile at your cheerfulness and hope. Or does He say, "Oh ... here we go again! Moan moan moan and not an ounce of Faith despite the many prayers!"

Just asking.

Maturity is an excuse

Every morning is a different morning yet they are all the same. There's me and then there is the whole world intent and united to making my life more miserable than it already is.

I don't know about you ... in fact I hardly know you and we've never met ... but as for me, sometimes I wake up grumpy. At other times I get out of bed silently and let her sleep. No point starting the day with more reminders of how inadequate I am. 

If I am that way inclined and I feel kind-hearted I go downstairs and bring her a nice cup of tea in my pyjamas. Is she grateful? No ... she says she prefers it in a cup.

Another morning irritant, at least once a week, are the trash or refuse collectors people. They come very early in the morning with their large heavy and noisy vehicles and make enough clatter and clamour to raise the dead. 

In our city we each have three trash containers on wheels. They are different colours. The black one is for all kind of trash except gifts from my mother-in-law because I'd never hear the end of it. 

The green container is for garden refuse like grass cuttings, hedge clippings and twigs and small branches and the like. Don't you dare put potato or carrot peelings or even cabbage and lettuce leaves in there. I know they are compostable like grass and leaves but they should go in the black bin. 

And then we have an orange bin for re-cycled material. You need a University Degree in stupidity to know what is and what is not recyclable. Metal cans and tins, yes; metal foil you use to wrap meat when roasting or sandwiches, no. Plastic bags used to purchase pasta, rice, cereals, and other dry foods - read the label on each packet because some is recyclable and some not. The list goes on and on as to what is and what is not allowed in the recycled bin. 

I usually don't bother and throw the list in the green bin - it is a "leaflet" after all! 

As I was saying before I got distracted, the trash people have this heavy lifting gear at the back of their lorry and they make a racket as they lift each container and tip it upside down to empty it. Then they leave the empty container wherever they feel like it, not return it to its proper owner. I usually have to take a bus ride to go and retrieve mine which is left miles away.

The containers are emptied in rotation every week: one week trash, another week garden refuse and then recyclable. Neighbours usually copy each other and bring out the container similar to their neighbours. I get my own back by bringing out very early in the afternoon the wrong coloured container. All the neighbours copy me and bring out the same colour container. Late at night I bring my container back in and bring out the right coloured container.

The following morning only my container is emptied. And all the neighbours phone the authorities to say their trash has not been collected.

It's me versus the world, as I said earlier.

And another thing that irritates me no end. There are signs everywhere in our street saying pick up your dog's poo when he poos in the street. It seems that dog owners are just as illiterate as their pets.

The other day I stepped in some dog poo. I stood by the tree trying to clean my shoe when a big man passed by and stepped in the same poo. I said, "I've just done that!" He punched me in the face.

People are getting so violent these days. So much pent up anger. And so much stupidity around too; it's so wide spread it seems to be catching.

There was a story on TV about some flood somewhere or other; it was raining so hard with high wind. They told us not to go out unless absolutely necessary; like throwing away your mother-in-law's unwanted presents.

And there on TV was a stupid reporter getting soaked in the rain next to the river telling you how dangerous it is out there. Why do they do that? Why send someone out to prove the obvious? They say "and now here's our reporter from London" then for the sake of balanced reporting they show you a reporter from Aberdeen in Scotland, Cardiff in Wales and another one in Northern Ireland. Four reporters and their film crew soaking wet in case you don't know what rain looks like.

And to ram the point home they then interview a household that has been flooded and they ask the home owner "how do you feel about this flood?"

What an idiotic question from a moron in training. What do you expect as a response? "Oh ... I have always wanted a downstairs bathroom and swimming pool; now we got one for free including the floating excrement from the overflowing sewers!"

It's the way the newsreaders and TV interviewers patronise you as if you're an idiot that irritates me. They mention someone important in the news, like; "The Pope has lost his cat!" and then they show you a picture of the Pope as if you don't know who he is, and for good measure a cat as well. They mention a well known politician or leader of a country and show you his photo.

And it's not just on TV; in real life too you're patronised. I remember distinctly when we were pregnant; not me of course ... my wife. We went to these "pre-natal classes" where we were shown pictures of babies being born and treated like ignorant fatheads. We were told how the husband should be with his wife at the delivery room and offer comfort and support and encouragement and ... hold on ... let me check my notes ... I had them here a moment ago. 

At the end we were asked if we had any questions. I asked, "Is it OK to take a few cans of Guinness in the delivery room?" The person giving the lecturer, a senior midwife from the hospital, told me sternly that alcohol is not allowed anywhere on the premises and it is forbidden under some hospital rule or another. It's in my notes somewhere ...

As I said before; it seems I am the only sane one in this world. Everything is going wrong nowadays and people are behaving as if they've lost any common sense that has never been common in the first place and is now more extinct than ever. 

No wonder I wake up grumpy sometimes. It makes a change to hear it from her too!

Oh ... before I forget ... have you noticed how prices are going up everywhere? Everything costs more these days. Although I'll admit I have used this to good effect. 

I have now taken to wearing very old, dirty and torn clothes when I go out. It stops beggars asking me for money. The other day a woman was going to give her half-eaten sandwich to her dog, but she offered it to me instead. 

Isn't that kind? There's hope for this world after all!