As I was saying ...

 

As I was saying before I interrupted myself ... ah yes ... I remember now ... I was talking to a friend in the street and he said he has been very busy lately. He has been working non-stop for three weeks. Personally, I think exaggerations have gone up by a million percent lately. Everyone is exaggerating and telling fibs. Not me ... I have never lied in all of my life. He told me he is hoping to start on a new diet soon to lose weight; but right now he had too much on his plate.

I think people should be careful with what they say, don't you? Words can be so easily misunderstood, it seems. At a Wedding Party recently our priest said publicly, "Marriage is such a Holy institution. Let us bless all married couples. All married people here please stand next to the one who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death! 

Yesterday I went to our local bookshop and asked the woman for a book about turtles. She said, "hardback?" I replied, "yes with a little head that pokes through!"

Whilst there I also bought a book about fixing things myself around the house. It's cheaper than calling in plumbers, painters, decorators and the like. My wife thinks that I am absolutely hopeless at fixing electrical appliances. Let me tell you, she is in for a shock!

I was reading in the newspapers about two thieves who stole a calendar from a bookshop. They both got six months. On a similar vein, a prison van collided with a lorry full of mixed concrete. The police are looking for some hardened criminals.

An odd thing happened this morning. I received an envelope full of rice. It was from uncle Ben. It said on the packet, "take one sachet and stand in boiling water for two minutes". I did that and burnt my feet.

He means well, my uncle Ben. He is an amateur philosopher. He is very old and has spent his life searching for the meaning of life. Now he is searching for his car keys.

He asked me if I could interpret dreams. He dreamt that he was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper. I told him he was dicing with death. 

A colleague at work is very annoyed with his Insurance Company. He is an atheist and the Insurance Company will not insure him against "acts of God!"

There isn't much good on TV these days. Only dust. The other day I watched a program about how they kept ships together. Riveting!

Last night my wife and I watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

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As I was saying

 

Teacher: How many feet in a yard?
Pupil: That depends! How many people are in the yard?

 

The teacher says, "OK class, I'd like you all to tell me what you need at home.

Susie says, "We need a computer".

Wendy says, "We need a car".

Mary says, We need a new washing machine”.

Johnny says, "We don't need anything Miss".

Teacher says, "Come on Johnny, everyone needs something?"

"No Miss, My parents were happily watching their favourite program on TV when my sister came home with her new boyfriend and my Dad said, Well, that's all we need!”

 

Ken and Rita had finished their breakfast at the retirement home and were relaxing in the library. "You know," said Rita, "today, in most marriage ceremonies, they don't use the word 'obey' any more."

"Too bad, isn't it?" retorted Ken. "It used to lend a little humour to the occasion."

 

I was having dinner with a world chess champion the other day. Our table had check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

 

A vicar is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the vicar moves closer to the boy's position.

He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the vicar smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

The boy replies, "Now we run!"

 

Two men in Court. Judge asks the first: “Where do you live?” “No fixed abode!”

He asks the other man “And you, where do you live?” "In the apartment above him!"

 

Postman: Is this letter for you sir? The name's obliterated.
Man: No, my name's Peterson. 

Patient: Doctor help me. I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Psychiatrist: And when did this start exactly?
Patient: Ever since I was a puppy.
Psychiatrist: I see. Please get on the couch.
Patient: I'm not allowed on the couch!

A ventriloquist sitting on the stage goes through his routine. The dummy he's holding tells one blonde joke after another ... "there was this blonde ..."

The audience laugh themselves to tears. Eventually a blonde woman has had enough. She stands up and shouts "Stop all these jokes. They are degrading and insulting to blondes everywhere. You should be ashamed!"

The ventriloquist stops his act and says "I'm sorry madam ... I meant no offence."

She says "I'm not talking to you ... I'm talking to the little man on your knee."