Thinking aloud

 

Thinking out loud.

Lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that, at my age, I don't really care any more. 

I thought ... If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

A whale swims all day, only eats fish, and drinks water, but it is still fat.

A rabbit runs, hops lives outdoors most of its life and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn't run, lazes about and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years. And they tell us to exercise? I don't think so.

Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?

6. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than it was to get wiser.

7. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.

8. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.

9. Kids in the back-seat cause accidents.

10. Accidents in the back-seat cause kids.

11. It is hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

12. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

13. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

14. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

15. It is not hard to meet expenses . . . They're everywhere.

16. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . . I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".

17.  ...

18. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. 

19. It is a lot better to be seen than viewed.

20. Have I blogged all this before or did I read it in your blog?

Oh ... before I go ... I just remembered to tell you about something I am doing you might want to tell others about. I have started locally a Dial-a-Prayer service for atheists. You call up the phone number and it rings and rings and rings but nobody answers.

Thinking aloud

 

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?

As one door closes another opens outwards and hits you in the face.

If Supermarkets are lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colours ... but they all exist very nicely in the same box.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Have an awesome day, and know that someone who thinks you're great has thought about you today!

And that person was me. 

Working for God on earth does not pay much, but His Retirement plan is out of this world.

Thinking Aloud

 

Two fleas are coming out of a bar when one asks the other 'Do we take a dog or do we walk home?'

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.

To thrive in life you need three bones. A wish bone, a back bone, and a funny bone. 

People say I act like I don't care. It's not an act.

Dear life, when I said "can this day get any worse" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.

Some things are better left unsaid, which I certainly realize, right after I say them.

I've learned so much from my mistakes, I'm thinking of making a few more.

Today I saw a woman talking to her cat, she really thought the cat understood. I told my dog when I got home... we both had a good laugh.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.

I know that I am stupid but when I look around me I feel a lot better.

In the morning I can't eat, I'm thinking of you. In the evening I can't eat, I'm thinking of you. In the night I can't sleep. I'm so hungry!

Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it's a brighter day.

People say you can't live without love, but I think oxygen is more important.

I don't like morning people... or mornings, or people.

I'm not here to judge, I'm just pointing out all the mistakes you're making.

I didn't find out what happiness means until I got married... and then it was too late. 

This world will never know Peace until it learns to forgive.

Don't mind me ... I'm thinking aloud.

 

There are too many thoughts on my mind right now. I can't shake them off. Why can't we shake ourselves like wet dogs do and get rid of all our thoughts for a while?

For example, I have noticed in many films and TV dramas that when women start crying, as they often do, the man always hands them a neatly folded extra clean handkerchief. Do men carry handkerchiefs especially for such occasions? Not me. In the past when a woman burst out crying next to me I just joined her and cried even louder and asked her for a handkerchief. That usually stopped her. If she did not stop crying I just walked away. 

Talking of which, I walked to the stationery shop to buy some envelopes. It had moved. It really surprised me. 

There's been an increase in crime in our multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many levels.

 

There was an accident outside the car-park. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a van filled with terrapins. What a turtle disaster that was. In the mayhem that ensued a tortoise was mugged by a snail. When the police asked for details the tortoise said it happened so quickly.

I hate it when people are so slow. The other day I had dinner with a world chess champion. At our table there was a check tablecloth. It took him twenty minutes to pass me the salt.

At the restaurant I met Bruce Lee's vegetarian brother. Brocko Lee.

There were a couple at the restaurant holding hands. How romantic. I like to hold hands at the movies, which always seems to startle strangers.

I think every married man should hold hands every now and then and forget past mistakes he's made. There's no point in two people remembering the same thing. Like the day my wife asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

I went to a wedding the other day. The photographer said, "would all married men stand next to the person who made their life worth while!" The bartender was almost crushed to death.

Wives are strange creatures. Mine waits up until 3 in the morning just to ask me "do you know what time it is?" The other day she started shouting at half-passed-midnight. "Golf ... golf ... golf ..." she cried, "you do nothing other than play golf!" She nearly gave me a heart attack. I did not expect her on the golf course at that hour.

Right now I'm thinking which came first? The chicken or the egg? I've ordered both from Amazon and will let you know when they arrive.

I sometimes wish I lived in a big house. But then who is going to do all the cleaning? Or take the trash bins out? Such a long walk to the side-walk!

Who takes the trash bins out in your household?

 

 

 

Where do the thoughts come from?

 

I was thinking the other day ... where do thoughts come from? Do they originate from one's brain, I wonder? Do they start as a small thought which grows bigger or is it a chain of little thoughts following each other? Like a train of thoughts. 

I went to the train station and they said that my train is cancelled due to shortage of staff. Why can't they employ taller ones?

My thoughts took me to when I was sixteen and I did not share my cake with my friends at school. The teacher witnessed it and muttered under his breath, "you selfish!" 

So when I left school I became a fishmonger.

Another teacher gave me good advice. He said there are two words in life which will open many doors for you - PULL and PUSH.

Years later as a young man I used to lie on my bed looking up at the sky, at the beautiful full moon and the hundreds of stars and think ... one day I'll have to put a roof on this house. 

One day I suddenly got very hot ... and the smoke alarm started screaming. And I thought ... why can't they put a snooze button on smoke alarms?

When the fire brigade arrived a fireman looked through the open window and shouted, "can't you hear the fire alarm?"

I said, "Yes I do, but there's no way of switching it off!"

When I was young I grew up in a very rough district. Poverty, crime and deprivation. Bad neighbours and parents who did not care much for their children. My friend Eric did not know what it felt like to be wanted until he saw his photo on a police notice board.

It was the sort of neighbourhood where if you asked people for directions they would show you the way and then follow you to make sure you got there.

My parents were very good to me. But they often made me walk the plank ... we did not have a dog. Like most people we were very poor. We could not even afford the essentials. For example, we used to tie a dead hedgehog to a stick and use it as a toilet brush.

Our toilet door had no lock on it. We were all good singers. Except me. I used to sit with my leg stretched out against the toilet door. Sadly, I forgot it opened outwards.

As I recall people in them days were often sick. Dad's friend went to the doctor's with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in the right ear.

"What's the matter with me?" he asked the medic.

The doctor replied, "You're not eating properly!"

I remember one day there was a terrible accident at a wedding. The photographer was badly injured when a huge lump of cheese fell on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

Anyway, I was thinking  ... do you realise that coffee is not everyone's cup of tea?

History too; and geography, not everyone likes them. Did you know that  the Battle of Hastings took place on 14 October 1066 between the Norman-French army of William the Conqueror and an English army led by King Harold. 

King Harold was hit in the eye by an arrow. As he laid dying a lawyer approached him and said, "Have you been injured at work through no fault of your own? You could be entitled to compensation!"

I notice small things like that, you know ... for example, short people with umbrellas tend to catch my eye.

It's amazing all the new products they have for sale these days which did not even exist when we were young. For example, I bought a modern memory mattress for our bedroom. Now it is trying to blackmail me. 

At the department store I tried to buy a pink negligee for my wife. I picked up one and I asked the saleslady, "Is this satin?"

She replied, "no, it's brand new!"

On my way home I met the priest walking his dog. The brute jumped on me and bit me. The priest, not the dog! 

Then he said, "this is Karma!"

I said, "he looks very angry now that you bit me!"

Anyway ... I had to take a friend to the vet today. Nothing wrong with her of course; otherwise I would have driven her to the doctor's or hospital. She was OK. It was her hamster. He just sat there at the corner of his cage not moving for two days. Not interested in food or his little wheel. So we took him cage and all to the vet.

Turned out he had swallowed a fridge magnet and was stuck to the railings of the cage! 

All of which reminds me of the day I nearly landed in hospital myself. We were camping in the mountains, my friends and me. After a day or two they complained that our tent was rather untidy and needed a clean. I had in the car a battery operated vacuum cleaner. Surprising how good they are and handy to have around.

I vacuum cleaned the tent and the cleaner was so powerful it sucked in the whole tent with me inside it. I nearly suffocated gasping for breath. No one could hear me scream because sound does not travel in a vacuum.

Eventually, the battery power ran out and the vacuum cleaner stopped. When my friends returned to the site all they could find was the cleaner. No tent. No me. Just the vacuum cleaner!

That's enough thoughts for one day ... don't you think!

Memories

 

I was thinking the other night as I hung upside down from my hammock. I always do my thinking at that time, and then it dawned on me ... it was morning once again. I realised that although I was upside down, as I opened my eyes, I could see the door, the walls, and the room exactly as they are; not upside down. Why is that?

Then another thought struck me as I fell to the ground. 

When I'm sitting on the couch watching TV I see the picture perfectly - for example, a newsreader talking to me. 

If I were to lean sideways horizontal on the couch, the TV does not turn sideways too. The picture  remains the same and my eyes still see the newsreader straight way up. Why is that? 

If I were to take a photo with a camera and then move the camera horizontally (90 degrees) the second photo would be sideways; but this does not happen when I lean sideways myself. Maybe my eyes are turning sideways instead!

And then I thought some more. Do things happen as we see them, or do they happen one way and we see them differently?

For example, if a tree falls in the forest and there is no one there to see it, does it remain upright?

When a chicken lays an egg, does it come out the pointy way out or the large way out?

I've always wondered which came first, so I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon ... I'll let you know!

Then my mind wandered a little further back to my childhood. We used to love playing hide-and-seek in the woods with friends. We used to tie a dead squirrel to someone's leg and then try to find him by smell alone.

I became very good at it. I could even smell round corners. I developed stereophonic 3D sense of smell. I could pin-point at someone in the elevator and say, "it was you!"

Breaking wind in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

As a young man in my twenties I got involved in helping at Church. Every Saturday, in the big hall, we held Bingo games to raise money for charity. I used to call the numbers in Latin to make sure only the Catholics won. One day, I got this feeling in my soul that this was all wrong and Jesus would not be happy. So I had to learn Aramaic instead. Is that the language Jesus spoke?

Things must have been very different those days. Not like now. My wife brought me a cup of tea and I wondered. What did they drink in Jesus' time? They did not have tea, or coffee or hot chocolate. Maybe it was boiled fish water. Must have tasted awful; unless they added milk and honey. Or is that in the Old Testament?

By the way, did you know I met my wife on the net? We were both bad trapeze artists!

She liked spiders. She collected them like pets. So I went to a pet shop and tried to buy her one. It cost £50. Can you imagine? £50? So I got one cheaper from the web.

Anyway, enough thinking for now. I think I hurt my head when I fell off the hammock. My wife did not like us having a hammock in the bedroom. So I bought her a trampoline instead ... she hit the roof.

As I was saying ...

 

As I was saying before I interrupted myself ... ah yes ... I remember now ... I was talking to a friend in the street and he said he has been very busy lately. He has been working non-stop for three weeks. Personally, I think exaggerations have gone up by a million percent lately. Everyone is exaggerating and telling fibs. Not me ... I have never lied in all of my life. He told me he is hoping to start on a new diet soon to lose weight; but right now he had too much on his plate.

I think people should be careful with what they say, don't you? Words can be so easily misunderstood, it seems. At a Wedding Party recently our priest said publicly, "Marriage is such a Holy institution. Let us bless all married couples. All married people here please stand next to the one who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death! 

Yesterday I went to our local bookshop and asked the woman for a book about turtles. She said, "hardback?" I replied, "yes with a little head that pokes through!"

Whilst there I also bought a book about fixing things myself around the house. It's cheaper than calling in plumbers, painters, decorators and the like. My wife thinks that I am absolutely hopeless at fixing electrical appliances. Let me tell you, she is in for a shock!

I was reading in the newspapers about two thieves who stole a calendar from a bookshop. They both got six months. On a similar vein, a prison van collided with a lorry full of mixed concrete. The police are looking for some hardened criminals.

An odd thing happened this morning. I received an envelope full of rice. It was from uncle Ben. It said on the packet, "take one sachet and stand in boiling water for two minutes". I did that and burnt my feet.

He means well, my uncle Ben. He is an amateur philosopher. He is very old and has spent his life searching for the meaning of life. Now he is searching for his car keys.

He asked me if I could interpret dreams. He dreamt that he was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper. I told him he was dicing with death. 

A colleague at work is very annoyed with his Insurance Company. He is an atheist and the Insurance Company will not insure him against "acts of God!"

There isn't much good on TV these days. Only dust. The other day I watched a program about how they kept ships together. Riveting!

Last night my wife and I watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

CLICK HERE

 

 

Thinking aloud ... silently

I've been thinking. I do that quite a lot recently, I noticed. Thinking whilst standing up, or even sitting down, or lying in bed or on the couch in front of the TV. Thinking has become a habit as of late. I wonder why we think? Why do I think more than usual these days.

I was lying on the couch; nothing on TV except dust. I chose not to comment about it in case I got the silent treatment ... again! Not sure what is worse; the silent treatment or being told things I don't want to hear.

Anyway, I was thinking. Our ears are where they are for a purpose. On each side of our head. If our ears were at the back of our head we would go deaf every time we lay on our back in bed.

Imagine if you had an extra mouth on top of your head. You could put a sandwich under your hat and eat it without anyone noticing you.

Or if you had an extra eye at the end of your finger. You could see round corners then. You'd bend your index finger round the wall and see what's round the corner. Or you could put your finger in your ear and see what's there. The possibilities are endless as to where you could put your finger.

What if you could move all your bits on your body to places that are more convenient? Men especially would find this useful. Imagine having your belly button on your forehead, men! Or wearing an unusual tie!

Another thing I was thinking about. Did the inventor of the screw have his hair parted in the middle of his head?

Did the inventor of the Phillips screw have his hair parted as a cross?

Years ago, before they invented the clock with a big and small hands; how did they know how to turn something clockwise or anti-clockwise? It must have sent them cuckoo when someone said down the phone, "turn it clockwise!"

How about the man who invented the wheel. What did he do with it when he invented it? Hardly worth anything is it? It would never catch on. Not unless he invents a second wheel then he would have a bicycle. It's the man who invented the second wheel who's the clever one.

And here's another thought. Do fish ever drown if they can't swim? Who teaches them to swim anyway; when they are babies? Do they ever get water in their eyes like we do?

Why is coffee not everyone's cup of tea?

Why is abbreviation such a long word? Why not abbreviate it?

Why all the fuss as to whether the toilet seat is up or down? Cut it in half and put your half any way you want.

I can't help thinking that all this thinking is doing my head in.

Do you ever think? What do you think about? Share your thoughts here. No matter how strange. We promise not to laugh ...

Thinking with my brain

I don't know about you ... but I often think. I find myself thinking at the most in-opportune time. In conversations for instance. People could be talking to me and I'm thinking about something else altogether. It happens all the time. In fact I am thinking right now. I am writing this piece and thinking about what I am to write next. And my fingers can't type fast enough to catch up with my brain thinking.

I'll give you some examples.

I was thinking the other day. What would be the worst thing to discover when you wake up from your sleep?

Imagine waking up and discovering you have missed the exit on the highway where you should have gone!

Or waking up and finding the zoo-keeper going, "Shhhh ... don't make a noise ... we'll get you out soon!"

Or waking up and finding you're in hospital having an operation. And the doctor is consulting a book. Or asking you to hold the scalpel whilst he gets rid of his cigarette.

Now that would be really scary to wake up to, wouldn't it?

How about the last thing you do before going to bed. I was thinking about that. What is the last thing you do before going to sleep?

Personally, I unplug the bedside lamp. We have one of those sound sensitive lamps. All you have to do is say ON or OFF, or make a clapping sound, and it switches itself on and off. I hate it when the light comes on every time I break wind. Or when we make other noises in bed.

I also check for frogs in the bedroom before going to sleep. I would not want to kiss a frog in my sleep and it turns into a prince. That would be hard to explain having a prince in bed with me. Or a princess even. I don't have the energy for the French ménages à trois. Sometimes men can't even manage one never mind trois!

When we have had a row ... as most couples do ... the last thing I do before going to sleep is check that there are no other people in the park. I would hate it if the person on the next bench steals my shoes whilst I'm asleep.

I was thinking, whilst lying on a park bench, many people have obsessions. Some serious, some not so serious; like checking you've locked the door properly before leaving the house.

My personal obsession is starting collections. I don't collect things, like stamps, as a hobby. I start collections and then stop. For example, I now have two pencils. I stopped collecting any more. I once started a butterfly collection. I caught a moth and a fly and then gave up. I joined Facebook to have many friends or followers; then deleted the account when I had three "friends". I bet they're wondering where I got to. I now moved to Twitter and will delete the account as soon as I have three or four followers.

Another obsession I have is the dislike of modern technology. Instead of telling everyone all I do on Facebook or Twitter I now walk the streets and every so often I say aloud something about myself. I say something like: "I've bought a new pair of shoes ... Pastrami tastes nice with strawberry jam ... The rain in Spain has just stopped ..." So far I have two followers. They wear white coats and carry big butterfly nets.

And another thing. I get the feeling that people avoid me when I'm on the bus or train. They often move away and sit somewhere else.

The other day I was on the bus quietly eating a jar of mayonnaise when the young lady next to me got up and moved to another seat. I can't understand why. The same happened on the train when I was eating a jar of chilli sauce.

I just sat there ... thinking. I wonder why they moved away? They must be weird.

Anyway, that's me ... thinking. I wonder what I'll think next? Better think something fast for tomorrow's Blog post. Writing one a day is quite an achievement you know.

Do you think often? What do you think about? What are you thinking now? Be honest.