Thursday, 29 April 2021

As I was saying

 

Teacher: How many feet in a yard?
Pupil: That depends! How many people are in the yard?

 

The teacher says, "OK class, I'd like you all to tell me what you need at home.

Susie says, "We need a computer".

Wendy says, "We need a car".

Mary says, We need a new washing machine”.

Johnny says, "We don't need anything Miss".

Teacher says, "Come on Johnny, everyone needs something?"

"No Miss, My parents were happily watching their favourite program on TV when my sister came home with her new boyfriend and my Dad said, Well, that's all we need!”

 

Ken and Rita had finished their breakfast at the retirement home and were relaxing in the library. "You know," said Rita, "today, in most marriage ceremonies, they don't use the word 'obey' any more."

"Too bad, isn't it?" retorted Ken. "It used to lend a little humour to the occasion."

 

I was having dinner with a world chess champion the other day. Our table had check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

 

A vicar is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the vicar moves closer to the boy's position.

He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the vicar smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

The boy replies, "Now we run!"

 

Two men in Court. Judge asks the first: “Where do you live?” “No fixed abode!”

He asks the other man “And you, where do you live?” "In the apartment above him!"

 

Postman: Is this letter for you sir? The name's obliterated.
Man: No, my name's Peterson. 

Patient: Doctor help me. I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Psychiatrist: And when did this start exactly?
Patient: Ever since I was a puppy.
Psychiatrist: I see. Please get on the couch.
Patient: I'm not allowed on the couch!

A ventriloquist sitting on the stage goes through his routine. The dummy he's holding tells one blonde joke after another ... "there was this blonde ..."

The audience laugh themselves to tears. Eventually a blonde woman has had enough. She stands up and shouts "Stop all these jokes. They are degrading and insulting to blondes everywhere. You should be ashamed!"

The ventriloquist stops his act and says "I'm sorry madam ... I meant no offence."

She says "I'm not talking to you ... I'm talking to the little man on your knee."

27 comments:

  1. ...an interesting collection, thanks Victor.

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  2. LOVE IT! Thanks for the smiles and laughs this morning. We can always use them. The best to you over there.
    Sherry & jack going to work...

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    1. Glad I made you smile on your way to work. Wishing you a brilliant day, Jack and Sherry.

      God bless.

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  3. You really made me laugh with these, Victor. I especially liked the one about the little boy and the vicar. Didn't see that coming!
    Blessings!

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    1. I'm so glad you enjoyed my contribution today, Martha. I'll be honest, such posts help clear my mind as I write my next Father Ignatius novel. Slow going right now!

      God bless you my friend.

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  4. Definitely some good ones here.

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    1. Glad to hear it, Kathy. Enjoy ... and share. Invite others here too ... please!

      God bless.

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  5. Some great and funny thoughts. :)

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    1. They amuse me and help me to write some more.

      God bless, Bill.

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  6. Where do you GET this stuff, Victor?!!

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    1. I find humour helps clear my mind when I'm writing. Have you read any of my books, Linda? Some are FREE from www.holyvisions.co.uk

      God bless.

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  7. My favorite one was the little boy and the doorbell. Laughter is a good way to set the mood for one’s entire day. Thanks and blessings.

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    1. I am so glad I helped set you in a good mood for the day, Nells. Yes, laughter is good for us. It releases dolphins within us to tickle us from the inside.

      God bless.

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  8. Mine, too! The little boy and the doorbell, I mean. Didn't see that coming and chortled aloud! (It felt so good!)

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    1. I'm so pleased you liked this joke, Mevely. It's good to laugh, isn't it?

      God bless.

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  9. Dearest Victor,
    Some really good ones!
    The running away after ringing the door bell is a great one and the blonde from the audience did proof some validity to those jokes.
    Hugs,
    Mariette

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    1. Blonde jokes are not politically correct these days; that's because blondes don't understand them.

      God bless, Mariette.

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  10. Many thanks for the laughs :)

    All the best Jan

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  11. Heeheehee! Two hours. That's a long time to wait for salt.

    Thanks for the laughs!

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  12. "Now we run!" I saw that one coming. Still laughed at it before it arrived!
    Little man on you knee...Very funny.

    At my last wedding, my brother a Federal Judge officiated. I tell my wife that at the last "I Do" he mumbled "Obey" and you did say "I do". She advises me that mumbling does not count.

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    1. Yes, many marriage ceremonies don't use "obey" any more!!! The husband obeys all the same. Nothing's changed.

      God bless, JoeH.

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