Even More things I don't understand

 

And there's even more things I don't understand. I don't seem to understand much apparently. The way people talk for instance. What do they mean exactly?

Like when they say, "sending thoughts to you!" What's all that about? Why not say, "I am thinking of you at this particular time?" It is longer but makes more sense than "sending thoughts your way"

Or another one, "I love you to the moon and back!" What is that? Does it mean I love you lots and lots? Or does it mean I love you but up to a certain limit. The moon OK but Mars or Pluto and you're pushing your luck mate. I don't love you that much."

And there's more. "I thank the Universe I met you!" Does it mean the other person is an extra-terrestrial with antennas coming out of its head and a different method of procreation? Why not simply say, "I love you you fathead!"

And another thing I don't understand. Perhaps you clever people can help me.

My science teacher said the Universe is for ever growing and increasing. If the Universe is everything - the stars, planets, meteors, outer space, the cabbage patch next door, then what is it expanding into? The teacher took a balloon and blew it a little. Then with a felt-tipped pen we made some dots representing the planets. Then she blew the balloon some more, and more and more. Then she said this is the Universe expanding.

I said, "No it isn't. The planets are just going further apart. It is not expanding in the sense more planets are suddenly arriving on the scene and saying 'Hello ... I'm new here. How are y'all !!!' And in any case, if it is expanding as you're demonstrating ... Miss; then who is doing all this blowing wind into it?"

She accused me of being a clever Alec and gave me detention. 

I was only asking. It was an innocent question.

I never got on with that teacher. She taught science, woodwork, sports and English. Not much of a teacher if she had to fill-in on many subjects. Once during English lessons she asked, "I want you to make a sentence using the word 'NEED' "

Susie said, "I need a computer." 

Wendy said, "I need a new pen."

Mary said, "I need a pencil."

I said, "My family does not need anything!"

My teacher said, "Come on ... everyone needs something. What does your family need?"

I thought she was being too nosy; so I said, "No Miss ... we don't need anything. Dad said so. We were at home watching TV when my sister came in with her layabout boy friend and Dad said, 'That's all we need!' "

She gave me detention again.

I don't understand that. Can you explain it to me? 

More things I don't understand

 

There may be many things which I don't understand. It's people's behaviour mostly. Why do people behave the way that they do? And does their behaviour affect other peoples' behaviour?

Like what happened today. Do you know leggings? Those very tight elasticated lycra socks that hug one's legs tightly all the way up into pants or trousers. Well, today I was at the supermarket and there was this young woman, (mid twenties I guess), wearing what I would call body-leggings. It was a one piece whole body lycra suit in pink hugging her every contour from feet all the way up to the neck. It hugged so tight it left very little to the imagination, including the bits my eyes focussed on. I thought she was naked at first. If a man had been wearing this he'd have been arrested for indecent exposure so hugging it was.

Why do people do that? Don't they have anyone telling them how they look? She was accompanied by a man.

Another thing I don't understand - buying software. If you wish to buy any software for your computer or cell-phone; things like computer games, or word processing or accountancy or whatever programs; you have to sign a contract or licence agreement or terms and conditions of use. This is basically a contract between you and the provider or seller of the software. Normally this contract goes on and on for at least a million pages. Does anyone bother to read all that? People normally agree to the terms because they want the software or computer game and without agreeing they just can't use the product.

The other day I read the contract for a particular software. Did you know that in Paragraph 379, sub paragraph 69 it says that you should wear a three piece suit whilst using the program? It does not specify what women should be wearing.That's how ridiculous those long contracts can be.

Another example, I stood there at the elevator door and pressed the button on the wall to call the elevator. It was a bit slow and you could see from the numbers above the door where the elevator was. I waited patiently.

A man came and stood beside me and the first thing he did is press the button on the wall. He noticed me looking at him, he smiled and said, "Did you press the button?"

I replied, "No, I was testing whether the elevator would come by telepathy alone!"

Why do people do that? Why press the button? 

And what is worse, once you're in the elevator there is always a smart Alec who takes control and asks you which floor you want so he can press all the buttons. I got so irritated once that I told such a man that I did not want to go anywhere. I was only in the elevator for the ride and to meet people.

And another thing I don't understand. I went to the fast food restaurant because I was in a hurry to go to the rest room. An attendant noticed me and said, "The rest rooms are for customers only!"

I was bursting to go, so I said, "I am a customer. I was here and bought a hamburger and fries last week and did not go to the toilet. So I am going now instead of last week. Also, many times I bought from here and did not go to the toilet; so you owe me a few more visits!"

He frowned and was not convinced. So I said, "If you don't let me go I'll do it here and you'll have a bigger problem on your hands ... or on your floor!"

He let me go.

Do you know how you can earn air miles, or some hotels give you free nights if you visit them often? Why can't fast food outlets give you toilet visits the more often you use them? You can have a plastic card on which to add your toilet visits and use them when you need to go ... or give them as a present to someone else!

And one more thing I don't understand. When watching the news or weather forecast on TV I noticed a great number of female presenters are pregnant. Please ladies; don't get upset at me for mentioning this. But these presenters often wear tight dresses and stand side ways to accentuate the fact they are expecting a baby. Time and again they stand in profile to make their point.

And there's more ... over here we also have the pollen count after the weather forecast. People are shown various numbers on a big screen showing the map of the UK. Now that's something not to be sneezed at! Don't you think?

Things I don't understand

It seems to me that the more I learn the more I find out what I do not know. There are just too many facts in the world, and too many things for anyone to know them all. That's why people tend to specialise in one or two subjects and become expert at them rather than learn everything.

I've tried in life to have a general education, despite people telling me when I was young that I wouldn't amount to much.

But despite my attempts at learning I still don't understand the differences in wines, for instance. Some people can tell you the vintage, year, type of grape and so on by just sniffing or tasting the wine. But I can't tell the difference between a red or a white or rose, or whether it is sparkling or not. If you were to change glasses whilst I was not looking I would not know you did it. They all taste the same regardless of their colour.

In a posh restaurant once where they charge you a fortune for just sitting there the waiter, or sommelier, as he called himself, gave me a couple of drops to taste. I thought I wouldn't pay a fortune for just two drops, so I said, "Fill it up my good friend; I'm not a wee birdie you know!" I was told afterwards I should have tasted it and told him it was OK. What's the point in that? Has anyone ever said it is not OK? It tastes like vinegar mixed with mosquito wee?

And by the way, what is a sommelier? I thought it was a French boot made of wood.

Then when the food waiter came, he seemed upset when I asked for a steak tartare well done. I heard him mumble something in French under his breath. I had to look up in my pocket French/English dictionary the meaning of "imbecile".

When the raw meat arrived and I was told by my girlfriend not to make a scene, he got more upset when I asked for tomato Ketchup. Is it my fault if a posh restaurant like his ran out of Ketchup?

Food is not the only thing I don't understand. Music too. I like various music from Nessun Dorma where a fat person always sings in a loud voice, to the Beatles or Country music. But my problem is learning to play an instrument. I tried the guitar when I took evening lessons at College. My fingers always got entangled in the strings. Why do they put the strings so close to one's fingers? I experimented with various instruments and eventually settled on the drums. I practiced at home day and night. I played so well the neighbours broke our windows to hear me better. They also invited the police to come and listen to me. I am now learning the paper and comb instrument.

As for literature? Forget it. At school I was taught about Chaucer, Shakespeare, and various other writers including French and Italian ones like Voltaire, Racine, Moliere, Goldoni, Dante, Machiavelli, and many others. Did any of them help me in later life? When's the last time I had to quote any of them in  life?

My conversations are more interesting As I Quote Myself. Try it.