Invitation to join a new profitable Business Venture

Dear Friends,

I have a very interesting business proposition to put to you which will mature into a valuable investment.

But first let me give you some background.

A certain member of our family recently made a batch full of black buns. Now for those who don’t know, this is a rich Scottish fruitcake which is encased in pastry and then cooked. It is a particular delicacy up North on Hogmanay; and other celebratory occasions.

Now for some reason, this particular batch of black buns was harder than usual. I mean, black buns in our household are normally hard, but this lot was so hard you could have built a house with them. If you had enough of them that is; which thankfully we didn’t.

No one wanted to eat them so I took them to the local park to feed the ducks in the pond. To my amazement the black buns floated on the surface of the water. Perhaps they were hollow inside, or the rising pastry had trapped some air between the casing and the fruitcake inside.

As soon as these pastry bricks floated on the pond a flock of ducks came floating towards them cackling with excitement. The sound attracted even more ducks and swans and birds who gathered around me for a Scottish feast.

Surprisingly, their sharp beaks managed to break through the concrete pastry and into the cake but … oh horror … as soon as the ducks and swans ate some of the fruitcake they sank to the bottom of the pond like stones. A while later they got up to the surface and quickly got out of the water belching and farting and searching for indigestion tablets.

I got home somewhat dejected at my failure in introducing our ducks to a Northern delicacy; and then it hit me … (someone threw a black bun at me which I had inadvertently forgotten behind!).

I picked up the bun and pondered. As I held the cake in my hand the warmth I generated started to soften the pastry. I ate a bit. It tasted nice and soft; so did the cake inside.

And that’s how genius works, my friends.

I had in my hand a hard edible substance, hard enough for me to stand on it without it crumbling, yet body warmth makes it soft, and safe to eat, and sweet.

What if I had enough black buns ingredients to mould the cake into the shape of a seat?

We quickly made another lot and in about an hour or so we had made a small baby-sized chair. It was strong enough for me to sit on, I tell you; yet, after a while I could break off a bit from the chair and eat it.

That’s it folks! Edible furniture has arrived.

We’re now discussing business terms with a furniture manufacturer and a large bakery nearby.

We intend making all sorts of seats, chairs, sofas, armchairs, as well as tables and other household items.

We’re thinking about different flavors too. Chocolate is a distinct favorite as well as vanilla flavored pastry and savory cakes too.

Can you imagine the endless possibilities?

You invite guests to dinner at your house and end up eating the furniture. We’re considering meat and vegetable flavors too as well as vegetarian and vegan products.

The advantage of this is that you save on expensive meals which you have to prepare and cook and, every time you have a party you have a new style of furniture to keep up with the latest styles and fashions … and flavors.

If you go on a picnic, all you have to take with you is some chairs which you can eat whilst lying there on the beach, or nearby a river, or in the park. And don’t worry about cleaning up afterwards. Any crumbs you leave behind will be eaten by the birds.

Imagine for a moment sports venues where all the spectators sit on edible seats which they eat whilst enjoying the football game. They’d be able to book a seat in advance in their favorite flavors.

The same applies to cinemas and theaters. Can you see yourself eating through an opera or a concert?

I’ve received this morning an order for a large consignment of said edible furniture from a famous Department Store. I could have shown you the order, but I ate it.

So if you wish to make a fortune, you’d better invest in this new venture right now.

It’s selling like hot cakes.

ADVICE PLEASE

I am about to embark on a major writing project and would appreciate your advice please. I intend to write a book consisting of a list of all the words used in the English language. The words will not be in alphabetical order and there will not be a definition of the words either. It will be a random list such as:

The and garden notwithstanding hoover fortnightly eaten quarter simultaneously ... and so on.

So far I have written about 113 pages and it is hoped the book will be completed in about six months time. I have a team of six people in my employ working on this.

I guarantee that there will be no repetition of the words and that they will all be spelled correctly both in English and American - e.g. humour/humor.

The book would be a great pastime when travelling on a bus or train, or when you can't sleep in bed and have nothing better to do, or when relaxing in a hot bath. 

The intention is that you'll think of a word and time yourself as to how quickly you can find it. Hence the absence of alphabetical order. Of course if you're in the bath at the time you'll need a water-proof watch (not supplied with the book).

Another use would be to check if you've spelled certain words correctly. For example you could look for the word: Onomatopoeia, but because the book is not in alphabetical order it will be great fun trying to find the word, and in searching for it, you'll discover other words you did not know that you did not know!

A further fun use is to play a game with your spouse or friend. You can think of a word and your spouse or friend has to find it within a set time limit. 

I have three publishers interested in this unique venture in the history of publications.

What I'd like your advice on please is whether you would find such a book useful and how many copies you are likely to purchase. They make a great Christmas gift for family and friends; and are a good conversation starter to break the ice at parties. Please also give me an idea of the price you would be willing to pay for this book.

The information would be very helpful in estimating the number of first print run. One publisher suggested 500,000 copies but I am not sure if this will be enough.

Thank you.

On Stage

They say the whole world is a stage and we are actors on it. They also say this life is no rehearsal – this is it. One and only life. Get on with it!

Let’s consider for a moment we’re on a stage. What part does God want you to play? Are you in a leading role? Centre stage? A great Christian orator, writer, pastor, celebrity or role model?

Or have you only got a minor part? Waiting on the side-lines, behind the curtains, for your time to be in the spotlight?

Whatever role God has given us in this life to witness on His behalf and to spread His Word; we’d better be ready because this is the most important task we’re ever asked to perform in this one life which we have.

Now as Jesus was walking by the Sea of Galilee, He saw two brothers, Simon who was called Peter, and Andrew his brother, casting a net into the sea; for they were fishermen. And He said to them, "Follow Me, and I will make you fishers of men." Immediately they left their nets and followed Him. Matthew 4:18-20.

Unequal rewards in Heaven

The good thing about hopping from one Blog to another on the Internet is that I learn something new everyday - well almost!

The problem though, is to know whether what I have learnt is true, or just someone's opinion.

For example, I learnt the other day that when we get to Heaven our "rewards" will not be the same, but will be commensurate with how well we responded to God's grace when here on earth.

I'll admit this confused me somewhat. I never realised there were rewards as such in Heaven. I thought that once there that was reward enough; if reward is the right word to use in this context.

I doubt very much that if Heaven was a mansion with many rooms, some Saint or other would have the top penthouse apartment facing whatever one faces when looking out of Heaven's window, and I would have a dingy cupboard space somewhere deep in the bowels of said mansion.

That's not how I imagined Heaven. I thought I'd be free to go around everywhere and meet such famous Saints like Peter and ask him what hot drink he drank on earth before they discovered coffee, tea and hot cocoa!

But it seems, from what I've read so far, that this notion of rewards was (or still is) Catholic dogma. Apparently, many years ago, the Council of Florence declared in some Latin entitled document that this is so.

Now as a Catholic I tend to get easily confused between what Christ taught, and what the Church has over the years interpreted and declared as truth (dogma) and woe betides you if you don't believe it and obey it.

So ... to clear up my confusion, and to help me find better accommodation than a small dark cupboard, would any of you please let me know what you think about this?

The Naughty Bits

I was thinking about Adam and Eve the other day. You know how the story goes ...

There they were, Adam and Eve going around happily in the Garden of Eden totally naked and not worrying about anything, except perhaps getting too close to the cactus, or standing near a hot radiator or oven.

Then one day they meet a snake!

Now I don't know about you, but if I were naked and met a snake I'd quickly cover up my bits in case he took a bite.  

If the snake actually talked to me ... well ... I'd probably poop in my non-existing pants rather than engage in conversation with him.

Anyway ... what I don't understand is, after they ate the forbidden fruit, how did Adam and Eve know which are the naughty bits they should cover?

Why not cover their knees for instance? Or their elbows?

Can you imagine? If they'd covered their heads instead; today we'd all be going around naked wearing our underpants on our heads!

When all hope is lost

Perhaps one of the most tragic and damaging thing that can befall anyone is the loss of hope. Whatever our situation may be, if we lose hope, if we cannot see the prospect of our situation changing for the better, we are in danger of shutting down completely and accepting the inevitable outcome.

We live in difficult times. Financial crises are affecting many people. Millions are losing their jobs, their homes and their livelihood.

Those aged fifty or more would find it very difficult to find a comparable job again, if indeed they can find any job at all. More tragically, the thousands of youngsters leaving colleges and universities with good qualifications, and little prospects of employment. They feel cheated. They did what they were advised to do. They stayed in education, they worked hard, they probably amassed large debts and loans to help sustain them whilst they studied – and now there are no jobs to go to.

There are of course other circumstances which can lead us to lose hope, besides lack of work. Illness for instance, broken relationships with no prospect of reconciliation, addictions, failures etc … all can lead us to the temptation to just give up.

Where’s all this leading to? – I hear you ask.

I’d like you for a moment to consider some facts.

Whatever happens in life one thing is for certain: God is still in control. He is not hiding away behind the settee crying: “Woe woe … look at what is happening out there!”

He is in total control of the situation which He has allowed to happen, and which, in most circumstances, we have created for ourselves.

The writer of the letter to the Hebrews knew what he was saying when he wrote: To have Faith is to be sure of the things we hope for … (Hebrews 11).

And the important thing, whatever our circumstances, is to hold on to that Faith and to believe, in all certainty, that God is in control. And to thank Him and praise Him for being in control. To re-affirm and acknowledge our belief that He is in control.

By doing so, somehow, we open a channel for God to turn our situation to the good. I’ve seen this happen several times.

Think of the alternative. By turning our back on God, by ignoring Him, blaming Him even for our situation – He will hardly feel inclined to help us. Will He? Of course, He’ll remain in control, waiting for us, with Fatherly patience, love and understanding, for the moment we return to Him like the prodigal son and be welcomed in His arms.

But what do you do if someone else has lost hope – even though you may not have yourself?

Preaching will not help. It may drive them further away.

Love, sympathy, compassion, whatever practical help you can offer may well help a little.

But most important is prayer. Silent prayer even. Without them knowing about it.

Let your Faith and your hope work for them. Even though they may have little or no Faith at all, your Faith is enough.

The best listened to and answered prayers are those we pray for other people. They show God our generosity of spirit, our love, our compassion, and most of all, our Faith in Him.

Don’t suggest solutions to God; like: “Please help him find a job”, "let him get better soon", and so on - but earnestly and in all Faith hand the situation over to Him. He knows what to do, in His time and in His own way.

Just say: “Thy will be done” and mean it.

And watch His miracles at work.

The soup waved at me ...

My latest book ... 

“The soup waved at me!” is a unique book in many respects. It is a collection of amusing short stories aimed at making you smile, laugh, or knock your socks off – the choice is yours. The book is unique in that it has been written slowly to help readers who cannot read fast. 

It also contains a generous serving of punctuations to enable readers to stop and take a rest in long sentences. I have also introduced the never used before double comma which looks like this ,, and allows you to stop reading a little longer and take a rest. 

This is the book which some people are talking about. The others are either still reading it or have not yet read it.


“The soup waved at me!” can be equally enjoyed whilst lying comfortably in a hot bubble bath listening to your favourite music, or standing in a warm shower holding your electronic tablet in your hand. Assuming of course that it is waterproof – the tablet, not your hand. So sit back, or stand up, relax, and be prepared for an experience you’ve never imagined possible. 

Download your FREE copy ... yes FREE ... from HERE.

Kindle Version HERE.

At the Hospital ...

One time I got sick and landed in the hospital. There was this one nurse that just drove me crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to me like I was a little child.

She would say in a patronizing tone of voice... "And how are we doing this morning?"

 

Or... "Are we ready for a bath?" Or... "Are we hungry?"

I had had enough of this particular nurse. One day at breakfast, I took the apple juice off the tray and put it in my bedside stand.

Later I was given a urine sample bottle to fill for testing.

So you know where the apple juice went! The nurse came in a while later, picked up the urine sample bottle, looked at it and said... ‘My, my, it seems we are a little cloudy today.”

At this, I snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and gulped it down, saying... "Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time!"

The nurse fainted... I just smiled!

Ladies ... Please Fight Fair !!!

LADIES !!!

PLEASE FIGHT FAIR

It says so in the Bible.

If two men are having a fight

and the wife of one

tries to help her husband

by grabbing hold of

the other man's genitals,

show her no mercy ...

DEUTERONOMY 25:11

So there !!!

Infallible Pope?

So ... is the Pope infallible or not? Does he really not make any mistakes? When I was young at school and we were taught about the Pope's infallibility in Catechism class, we assumed that it meant he was good at Maths and he knew all the capitals of the world. He was also good at science, languages and everything; and never made mistakes. Because he is infallible.

The Pope's infallibility is a subject sometimes raised by non-Catholics when discussing our Faith and beliefs.

What we have perhaps not made clear is what we mean by the Pope's infallibility.

In effect it means that he is totally dependable and fail-safe when pronouncing Catholic dogma which we are to accept and believe. This is known as speaking "ex cathedra" - that is, when in the exercise of his office as pastor and teacher of all Christians he defines, by virtue of his supreme Apostolic authority, a doctrine of faith or morals to be held by the whole Church.

In all of our Church's history this speaking ex cathedra has only happened twice.

In the Constitution Ineffabilis Deus of 8 December 1854, Pope Pius IX pronounced and defined that the Blessed Virgin Mary "in the first instance of her conception, by a singular privilege and grace granted by God, in view of the merits of Jesus Christ, the Saviour of the human race, was preserved exempt from all stain of original sin."

That is to say, the Virgin Mary was born without original sin.

This is not in the Bible, but a dogma of the Catholic Church.

About 100 years later, by promulgating the Bull Munificentissimus Deus, on 1 November 1950, Pope Pius XII declared infallibly that the Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary was a dogma of the Catholic Faith.

That is to say that she was raised to Heaven both body and soul. Her body did not decay in the ground as would happen if buried.

Again, this is not in the Bible, but Catholic dogma.

At no other time did a Pope speak ex cathedra.

Welcome to hell !!!

Not much is spoken about the devil these days. When’s the last time you heard speaking of him in a sermon on Sunday?

His job description is easy: Keep people away from God.

And by keeping silent about him, is not the Church unwittingly complicit in the devil’s attempts to make us believe he does not really exist?

Our world is full of temptations to lure us away from God and all it takes is a slight diversion of attention, a momentary loss of focus, and we can so easily drift away.

If the devil had the audacity to tempt Jesus we should not be much of a challenge to him. 

When Jesus was tempted, several times, He prayed to His Father as we should too, using His words:

“And lead us not into temptation … but deliver us from evil.”

Hello Sinners!

Hello Sinners ... how are you?

I've often wondered if I held a Sinners Convention how many people would turn up. Not many I suppose and I'd lose a lot of money hiring the venue and having refreshments ready.

The reason I suppose is because most of us don't consider ourselves to be sinners. Not big ones anyway. For the most part, we all believe we're good people deep down and we will eventually go to Heaven, because we're good really! It's all a matter of time.

I mean ... when is the last time you killed someone?

Or robbed a bank?

Or embezzled from your employer or business?

Or coveted your neighbour's wife/husband, or ass? (I must admit I'm very envious of my neighbour's roses. Why does he grow better flowers than me?)

OK ... I know ... some people do cheat on their partners and think nothing of it. It's their right to be happy in life is it not? (Or so they think!)

And that's where the problem lies ... "or so they think".

They believe that a slight flirtation is OK. They think that having a fixation on materialism is harmless really. What's wrong with having a big house, car, plenty of jewellery or whatever? What's wrong with gossiping and telling tales about other people? It's harmless fun. So what if they don't have time to look after elderly parents living alone? They live too far anyway, and life is busy these days with work, looking after the kids and so on. Don't tell me that taking the odd bit of stationery home from work is wrong. Or some other bits and pieces from our employers. It's not stealing is it? Not like robbing a bank. And what's wrong with having a long lunch hour? Or getting to work late or leaving early? Really!

And anyway ... these are all small sins, if sins at all. Not like killing and really stealing which are in the Ten Commandments.

No wonder not many would attend my Sinners Convention ... or so I'm told.

Perhaps some people are sleep-walking their way into hell.

Buoy ... oh buoy

Imagine you’re a child taken by your parents to the beach, or the swimming pool. You’ve never been near so much water before. But it’s time to try … hesitantly, encouraged by a grown up, you splash water everywhere in a panic, and you hold tight to the buoy they’ve given you for safety.

Clever thing the buoy – a ring filled with air able to hold you up when you’re drowning.

Every rescue boat has some on board and every ship is equipped with several – just in case.

But what about when we’re on terra firma so to speak? When we go about our way throughout our lives.

We often encounter many dangers and difficulties, be they of our own making or they “just happen” as they often do.

Crises like sudden illness, loss of work, relationship breakdowns, financial hardships and so on. You name it, most of us have encountered it.

We panic, we splash about, we try to hold tight to someone for help – a relative, a friend, just anyone before we loose control and drown in the depth of our own personal crisis.

And as we struggle to keep our head above water we forget what we should do instinctively … reach out to God.

A drowning man instinctively reaches out to a buoy for safety. So does a child in a pool.

And so should we – instinctively, in full confidence, we should know in every crisis that He is there, ready to help.

Every hesitant minute which delays our reaching out to Him is a wasted minute drifting us away from His omnipotent presence.

Oh ... and one more thing ...

When Peter got off the boat and walked towards Jesus on the waves he succeeded for a moment or two because he was focussed on Christ. The moment his focus moved away to the waves and the sea he began to sink.

What's the point having a Leader who walks on water if we are not prepared to follow Him?

Fragile Faith

 

Some people have great Faith and no matter what may befall them, their Faith does not waver. It is as strong as ever.

Other people however are different. They believe alright, but at the first sign of difficulties they hesitate, and doubts take over, and shake their Faith somewhat.

How does God view these latter people? Does He despair, as Jesus did when His disciples hesitated and could not drive out a demon from a sick child? Matthew 17: 14-21.

Let’s imagine you’re a parent of several children. One of them is academically gifted and does well at his studies; he is also very athletic and excels at many sports. The other child is more pedestrian; a slow learner who is neither academically gifted nor interested in much in particular.

Do you love them equally? Do you pay as much care and attention to both? Do you encourage the gifted one more than the other? Or do you nurture and look after the slower child more to help him gain confidence and improve?

God loves us all equally; yet He knows our abilities and our limitations. He knows that some of us have a fragile Faith that may well falter under pressure. Yet, like Jesus, He may well raise His eyes to Heaven in frustration, but He never stops loving us. He never stops encouraging us to do better, and increase out trust in Him. He allows incidents to happen in our lives to give us an opportunity to trust Him more and more.

It’s the outright rebellious and disobedient He disapproves of – not the hesitant “tryer” who tries his best yet his weak Faith lets him down.

“I believe, Lord; help my unbelief.” Mark 9:24.

Rabbit cat and dog