The Light Of The World

This painting is known as The Light Of The World (1851-1853). It was painted by the English Pre-Raphaelite artist William Holman Hunt (1827-1910); and it is displayed in St Paul's Cathedral, London.

No doubt many people have a copy or an image of this painting at home. Or seen it in church.
 
The painting represents the figure of Jesus preparing to knock on an overgrown and long-unopened door. An illustration of Revelation 3:20 - "Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with Me".

This is the door to our soul. Only we can open it and let Christ in.

According to Hunt: "I painted the picture with what I thought, unworthy though I was, to be by Divine command, and not simply as a good Subject." The door in the painting has no handle, and can therefore be opened only from the inside, representing "the obstinately shut mind".

Hunt, 50 years after painting it, felt he had to explain the symbolism.

I wonder how many people today take the message to heart and open their souls to Christ.

Thy Will Be Done

"Thy Will Be Done".

We proclaim those words every time we pray the Lord's Prayer. But do we mean them? Do we actually want to say, "Thy will be done as long as it is what I want. As long as it suits me. As long as it does not affect me adversely. Otherwise I will not accept it. I may even rebel".

Is that what we mean by those four words which our Lord taught us?

Do we want it our way because we know best? You'd be surprised how many people want to serve God in an advisory capacity. Telling Him what He should do in this or that situation as it affects our lives or that of our loved ones.

But Christ did not put any conditions when he taught us those four words. He did not say, "Thy will be done however ..."

So, what do these words really mean?

I guess that first and foremost they affirm that God is Omnipotent, the Creator of the universe and all that is in it; including us. And His will, I guess, is that His love might reach each one of us, and that we share in that love, and that we love Him back.

However, there is another dimension to God's will. It is not His will or wish that we are forced into this relationship with our Maker. He gave us love freely and His will is that it is reciprocated freely.

We still retain the choice not to accept or return His love for us.

Let's stop here and consider this for a moment. Is it possible that God's will is therefore never truly done? Is it possible that, if some people do not love Him, turn their back on Him, then God's will is not done?

The answer is YES and NO.

Yes, it is His will that we choose freely our way of life. How we act, what we believe and so on.

No, it is not God's will that bad things happen on earth. It is not His will that some evil people kill others, or steal, or commit all sorts of sins. It is not God's will that some people suffer illnesses and sicknesses. He does not get some sort of pleasure when evil and bad things happen. So in this respect, God's will is NOT done on earth. It is our will that takes over, and we commit those sins freely, no doubt assisted by the devil who surely exists even though we might not always acknowledge him.

Remember, the angel Lucifer had the choice, and he chose to rebel against God. God allowed this to happen because He had given everyone, including His angels, the free will to choose.

The same applies to us when our will, freely given by God as an act of love, takes control and chooses evil. It cannot be any other way. For God to intervene and direct us onto the path of good would mean He has taken away our free will to decide.

God allows evil to happen. It is the consequence of our free will to decide.

And when there is sickness and illness, poverty and suffering; God allows that to happen too. It is not His will directly but often a consequence of our freedom to choose. Our freedom to sin. He allows it to happen, perhaps, I guess again, to offer an opportunity for those amongst us to do good. To help the sick and the poor and the destitute. And not turn the other way like the rich man did to Lazarus at his gate.

So, let us consider again what is meant by "Thy will be done".

I believe that God wishes us to love and trust Him so much that when we pray those words we mean, "God, I know that your will for me is good and is borne out of love. I trust you, and therefore I pray that your will that we should all love you in return actually happens some day".

One day ... the time will come when each one of us, individually, will meet God face to face.

Some of us will have spent our lives praying and truly believing, "Thy Will Be Done".

To the others, God will say, "OK ... Thy Will Be Done. Now go to hell."

(With apologies to C S Lewis for misquoting him).

As I Forgave You

First of all, we are humans. We can't help it ... that's the way we are, the way God made us, with a multitude of various emotions, fears, hopes and ways of interpreting many situations in our lives. We're complex creatures. He had His reasons to create us this way.

Being human ... one of our first instincts is to protect ourselves and the ones we love. Another feature of our humanity is the ability to remember ... the good times, but more specifically the bad times. The worst they are, the more terrible they've been, the more they are imprinted in our memories. Anything can and will trigger these memories again ... visiting a place, seeing a photo, hearing a particular song ... anything ... and the bad memories come flooding back again. That's the price we pay for being human.

Christ said: "Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who hurt us ..."

Thank God that He does not hold us to the strict letter of this particular contract; otherwise we'd all be taking the fastest elevator going down!

Yet ... He does hold us to the intent of that particular contract we recite in the Lord's Prayer.

He asks us to forgive ... that's the important thing. Not just seven times but seventy times seven … and many times more than that as well.

Forgiving someone means that we no longer hold a grudge, or any ill-will or ill-feelings towards them or the hurt they have caused us. We let them go in peace free of fear of any revenge or retribution on our part. This applies whether we tell them that they are forgiven, or whether they have moved away, or perhaps never asked or sought our forgiveness, and perhaps they don’t even care about our feelings.

What matters is that in our hearts we have truly forgiven them … and, here’s the difficult bit, … we can prove it to God should He ask us to.

Of course the memories will come back … we can’t help that. But let’s use them positively by forgiving once again. Let’ us use them as a reminder to pray for the ones who hurt us. Let us say to God : “Please look after that person … Enlighten them and lead them to find your love as I have found it too …” Would it not be wonderful if as a result of your hurt … and your prayers … someone finds God, perhaps for the first time.

Christ has His memories too when He sees the scars in His hands, feet and side. I believe He uses these memories to forgive us yet again.

Having truly forgiven, it is our right and duty to keep our distance from that person if we feel they create a threat to us or our loved ones. Keeping our distance is NOT a sin, and it does not mean that we haven’t forgiven or that our forgiveness is worthless.

Being human we can only forgive as humans. We cannot possibly forgive as He has forgiven, no matter how hard we try.

He was human, but He was/is God too … and that’s a level of forgiveness we can never achieve.

We can only hope to live by the intent of that particular contract in the Lord’s Prayer.

God bless.

Till ...

Till the rivers all run dry
Till the sun falls from the sky
Till life on earth is through
I'll be needing you.

I know sometimes you may wonder
From little things I say and do
But there's no need for you to wonder
If I need you, 'cause I'll need you.

Till the rivers all run dry
Till the sun falls from the sky
Till life on earth is through
I'll be needing you.

[Instrumental]

Too many times I don't tell you
Too many things get in the way
And even though sometimes I hurt you
Still you show me, in every way.

Till the rivers all run dry
Till the sun falls from the sky
Till life on earth is through
I'll be needing you...

Unreasonableness

I find it so disappointing when people are unreasonable. I try my best to be kind and helpful to everyone, yet people often behave in an unreasonable manner. So sad.

Let me explain.

Years ago I worked in the Lost Property Office of a large organisation. You know the type. Most big organisations like railway stations, bus stations, hotels, theatres and the like have these offices. If anyone loses something and it is handed in, it is taken to the Lost Property Office to await someone to reclaim it.

My job was to record every item handed in, the description of the item, the identity of who handed it in, and date and time it was handed in. Also, if reclaimed, who reclaimed the item and their address.

This being Britain, the most common item handed in as being lost was umbrellas. We had hundreds of them. If you opened up all the umbrellas we had they would cover the whole of the UK.

Items were kept for a set period of time and then, if not reclaimed, they were sold and the money given to charity.

People used to come asking if their umbrella, or walking stick, or hat, or wallet had been handed in. After I asked for a description of their lost item, I would show them some items and if it is theirs I would hand it over. No fee. A satisfied customer.

Often people were disappointed that they did not find the item that was lost. I felt sorry for them. So I looked at the items that were past their retention date, and would offer them such as a substitute for their lost item.

I was trying to be helpful. And this is where their unreasonableness got me upset.

A man came once asking if we had found his lost false teeth.

I looked everywhere but no false teeth had been handed in. So I suggested he takes a packet of straws instead.

He got very angry with me and threatened to report me to my manager. I was only trying to be helpful, as I said.

Someone else had lost his hat.

I showed him several hats that were handed in but none were his. So in sheer desperation I offered him a trombone.

He turned it down on account that it was too big to fit his head. Unreasonable, don't you think?

People were losing all sorts of things. Someone had lost a bra,

someone else lost some underwear,

somebody else had lost a bucket of worms.

I mean ... how can people lose such things? And also have the courage to come looking for them. The worst item that someone had come to ask for, having lost it on our premises, was a live tortoise.

I looked everywhere and checked all our record books but I could not find a tortoise as being handed in. Neither dead nor alive. No tortoise whatsoever. So I offered him a grand-mother instead.

She had been handed in three months previously and no one had claimed her. Management was too reluctant to sell her as unwanted property and encouraged me to get rid of her somehow. She looked a bit like the tortoise in the man's photo. She was alive. She walked very slowly. Always chewing on a bit of lettuce which we gave her to sustain her. So I thought she would make a good substitute for the tortoise.

I held my breath. To my surprise the man accepted her as a substitute for the lost tortoise and a few months later they were married.

Now why can't all people be as reasonable as him?

How to get to Heaven

A man dies and arrives at the Gates of Heaven where he meets St Peter.

“Hello there …” says the Saint, “welcome to your final destination. You’ll like it here … it’s all about love. Can you spell love?”

“L … O … V … E …” says the man.

“That’s great,” replies St Peter with a smile, “you can come in!”

At this point the telephone rings and St Peter answers it. After a while he says to the new arrival:

“You’ll have to excuse me a minute … there’s something I have to attend to … it’s those Catholics … they’ve lit all the incense and set off the fire alarms … and they keep arguing amongst themselves … I have to go and sort them out!

“Can you stay here at the Gates for a while until I return?”

Moments later a woman arrives at the Gates and the man recognizes his wife.

“What are you doing here?” he asks, “you’re quick to follow me … I haven’t even had time to Rest In Peace and here you are following me.”

“Well … yes …” she mumbles, “after your funeral … the hearse was speeding to the pub and it got off the road … and here I am!”

“Oh …” he replies, remembering a lifetime of nagging.

“What’s it like here?” she asks her husband, “does it need re-decorating? I've seen some lovely wallpaper ..."

He raises his eyebrows and says nothing.

"Don't be like that ..." she goes on, "is it easy to get in Heaven?”

“Very easy …” he replies, “this fellow, Peter, is very easy going … all you have to do is spell a word and you’re in.”

“That’s great …” she smiles enthusiastically.

“Can you spell Rachmaninoff?”

Ha … That’s a good one. I’ve never heard this joke before!!!

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: If God had not meant us to laugh He would not have created the "dolphins" within us which are released when we laugh, and they tickle us from the inside, and make us laugh more! Dolphins are good for our health. They are released when we laugh.

Carpe Lingua

As most of you probably know, I write books. Both Christian ones and humourous ones. However, I have just come up with an idea for my next literary project which is somewhat off at a tangent ... a completely new venture, as it were.

I am planning to write a Modern Latin Phrase Book. Something that is lacking right now.

We all know the usual Latin phrases like Veni Vidi Vici, (the names of three ancient Roman musketeers), and Semper Ubi Sub Ubi, (which is on my family crest shown on the right), or Et Tu Brutus, (which is what you say to your dog Brutus when you want him to join you for a walk); and all the other Latin phrases we learnt at school like etcetera and carpe diem and all that.

All these are ancient Latin phrases not much used today except when one wants to show off and pretend that they know more than they really do.

What is missing today, I think, is a Modern Latin Phrase Book which you can use in your day-to-day encounters with a passing centurion or Roman senator or the like.

My book will have phrases like:

Can you direct me to the railway station please?

Would you recommend a nice Greek restaurant in the vicinity of my hotel?

I am sorry, Sir, but you cannot park your chariot here, this is a NO PARKING area.

Do you know where I can buy an electric toothbrushes please?

I have broken my umbrella. Where can I purchase a new one please?

None of these and similar phrases have ever been included in traditional Latin phrase books. I wonder why.

You see, most Latin books I have found in libraries and bookshops contain all the old phrases like Carpe Diem, Ad hoc, Bona Fide and the like. Phrases only used these days on rare occasions when people want to flaunt their education. There is no Latin book I have found with practical modern phrases like the ones I mentioned above and more.

I am sure you can all think of day-to-day phrases or words which you use in conversation in English all the time yet you do not have an equivalent translation for in Latin. Like, "have you eaten my muffin you greedy pig?" How would you translate that in Latin if you needed to?

Let's imagine you went to your local supermarket and came face to face with a Roman wearing a toga and you wanted to ask him where he bought it from because you wish to purchase a similar one; but in pink, with yellow flowers?

You would not know how to say it Latin, would you? You'd be stuck for words and not able to even start a conversation. You would perhaps utter an old saying you remember like Carpe Diem and he'd think you said he is wearing a carpet. Such insults, albeit lost in translation, can cause you difficulties with the visiting Roman.

But with my new Modern Latin Phrase Book you'd be able to converse with him like a native ancient Roman and you'd even be able to ask him what he wears under the toga; because underwear were not invented until much later, you know! See ... you're learning something new already!

Also, with my book you'll know how to count in Latin. A useful skill should you ever go to one of those Bingo sessions run by Catholic clubs. Those wily Catholics always call out the Bingo numbers in Latin so that only they win.

So there you have it. My next venture in the world of literature. Let me know what you think, and tell me of any phrase you wish to include in the Modern Latin Phrase Book.

A view from the bridge

OK folks ... I need you to use your imagination here.

Imagine that the boat on the left of the photo is not there. And neither are the boats in the background at the back of the photo. All there is are a couple of boats parked, or moored, on the right of the picture. Not these two boats exactly but boats that look very much like them.

This photo, (taken whilst standing on a bridge crossing a canal), is for illustrative purposes only.

I want you to imagine a canal with a couple of boats on the right and a footpath, like this one, on the left.

OK ... have you got the image on your mind? A canal. Boats on the right. A footpath on the left. And me on the bridge. Similar scene to the one above.

Now the events as they happened. And me watching from the bridge.

There was a man walking on the footpath on the left with his dog on a lead. Suddenly, the dog tugs hard at the lead having seen something in the bushes.

The man falls flat on his face. And I mean flat ... totally face down. He must have injured his face because he has a nose bleed from what I can gather. He seems otherwise OK because he shouts at the dog, still tugging at the lead, but he does not let go for fear of losing the dog. He holds tight to the lead and tries to stop the nose bleed with a handkerchief as he attempts to get up again.

I stay still on the bridge and do nothing. At this point a woman on one of the boats on the right, (not these boats precisely but others looking like them), on hearing the commotion throws an inflatable ring across the canal at the man still on the ground on the footpath.

You know the kind? A buoy or inflatable ring with a rope attached to it. Most boats have them in case someone falls into the water.

The heavy buoy and a lot of rope land on the man like a ton of spaghetti and hit him on the head sending him flat on his face once again.

Still for some unknown reason, the stupid woman on the boat, tries to retrieve the buoy she threw by pulling hard on the end of the rope. The sudden pull somehow entangles the rope round the man's neck and he starts choking. To avoid this he slowly drags himself closer to the edge of the bank towards the water. He lets go of the dog's lead and the animal runs into the bushes. The woman is still pulling at the rope. The man is holding tight at the rope round his neck whilst edging towards the water. He tugs back at the rope sharply and the sudden jolt unbalances the stupid woman and she falls into the canal. She splashes and shouts, "I can't swim!" In order to help her, the man throws the buoy at her whilst trying to untangle the rope round his neck. She gets hold of the buoy and whilst still splashing about tugs at the rope sending the man almost over the edge. He is still lying flat on his stomach. His top end is being dragged into the water whilst the lower end of his body is still on dry land. He will either choke to death or be drowned.

I make an attempt to go to his help. The bridge on which I am standing is some distance from him. Suddenly, another woman on the footpath sees what happens and rushes to the man's aid. She gets hold of his trousers. Unfortunately he is wearing those sports jogging trousers with elasticated waist. As she tugs sharply, the trousers slide off the man revealing all he has to reveal to the world at large.  Eventually she pulls him by his T shirt and gets him back on shore. As she untangles the rope off his neck the other woman manages to get off the water. 

I wait a while on the bridge whilst the man stands up pulling up his trousers, thanks his rescuer, and goes searching for the dog.

Meanwhile the woman from the boat walks towards me to cross the bridge and go back to her boat on the right of the canal. Her dress is totally soaked and sticking to her skin. She smells of canal water as she holds tightly to the buoy dragging the rope behind her. As she approaches me she says sheepishly, "I thought he was going to fall in the water!"

In The Stillness Of The Night

Oh Lord

Sometimes

In the stillness of the night

I feel Your presence Lord

I feel Your love

I feel Your peace

And Your nearness to me.

And I am at rest

In perfect peace

Hopeful knowledge

And thankful trust.

©Copyright Victor S E Moubarak 2012

Let It Be

When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

And when the broken-hearted people living in the world agree
There will be an answer, let it be
For though they may be parted, there is still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Yeah, there will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

Let it be, let it be, let it be, yeah, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

And when the night is cloudy there is still a light that shines on me
Shine until tomorrow, let it be
I wake up to the sound of music, Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be

Let it be, let it be, let it be, yeah, let it be
There will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, yeah, let it be
There will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, yeah, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

The Holy Family

  “The Heavenly and Earthly Trinities” by Bartolomé Esteban Murillo.

"Murillo, The Heavenly and Earthly Trinities, about 1675-1682 Photo © The National Gallery, London”.

The painting above is called the Heavenly and Earthly Trinities; and it has been painted in the sign of the Cross.

Looking vertically from the top downwards we see God, the Holy Spirit in the form of a dove and Jesus looking up to His Father in Heaven. That is the Heavenly Trinity.

Looking horizontaly from left to right we see the Virgin Mary, Jesus and His earthly father Joseph. The Earthly Trinity.

Four things of importance to note in this painting by Murillo. God in Heaven is looking down and blessing the Holy Family. Jesus responds to His Father by looking up to Heaven. Mary is looking at Jesus and perhaps thinking about the Son of God saving the world; whilst Joseph is looking at us, significant this, inviting us to join in the Holy Family. That is because we are part of the Holy Family through our own Faith and trust in the Lord.

Not much is known about Jesus’ childhood. The Bible records the story of His birth in Bethlehem, His presentation at the Temple in Jerusalem a few days later, and then the Holy Family went to live in Nazareth. Their home town. We don't know much more about Jesus' early days of His life; apart from when His parents found Him teaching in the Temple at the age of twelve or so.

We are left to wonder what He was like as a baby. Crawling on the ground and then taking His first hesitant steps. I wonder what His first words were when He spoke.

One thing for sure though. He was much loved by His earthly parents, who devoted themselves to His up-bringing, until He was ready to start His work on earth as His Father willed.

Like most parents, they must have wished many good things for Him as He grew up, even though they knew who He really was and what His mission in this world was to be.

Mary, however, carried an additional burden in her heart. She knew from those early days what was to happen. Simeon in the temple had told her: “… sorrow, like a sharp sword, will break your own heart”. Luke 2:35. Joseph was there to witness it all.

Can you imagine what they went through as parents? Knowing of the torture and Crucifixion which Christ would suffer.

And Mary, endured that pain even more as she followed her Son on the way to Calvary.

Yet … despite all that. Despite knowing well ahead what was to happen, despite witnessing the Crucifixion for herself, one thing must have sustained Mary and encouraged her throughout her ordeal: the sure knowledge that Jesus was/is the Son of God and that He will rise again from the dead.

That thought alone should help us when we too go through difficult times. No matter how difficult our situation we should hold on to the fact that our Lord, the one we profess to love and follow, is the Son of God. By His death and Resurrection He has conquered evil once and for all.

And no matter what our situation may be, we can assuredly turn to Mary, and seek her help in bearing the difficulties we go through.

Avoiding People

I am sure this has happened to you. If you're honest you'd admit to it. You're busy, rushing from shop to shop, you need to get home before you have to go out again and do umpteen other jobs in a busy life which you lead. And then, just as you'd wish it the least, you see someone you know.

You do not want to stop and have a chat. You know this person will hold you up, talking about this and that, and sharing their problem at a time when you can least afford it. And you are too polite to say, "Why don't you go away and pester someone else and leave me in peace!"

So what do you do? You pretend not to have seen them. You turn the other way. Pretend to be looking at some goods in the shop. Or better still, leave the shop in a hurry to avoid them all together!

Well ... that happened to me the other day. Just before Christmas it was. I was in this huge department store and I was wandering about in the men's section looking for a new shirt when I suddenly saw up ahead our priest, Father Mirth.

That's not his real name actually. I call him Father Mirth on account that he is the most miserable priest I have ever met. I always thought that priests should have an air of hopefulness, inner peace and joy which they share with all they meet. Not him. He is so miserable he would not raise a smile at a funeral.

I reckon when they recruited him as a priest, miserableness must have been the top quality in the job description. He fitted the job perfectly since he was the only one to apply in that year.

Anyway, I had been avoiding Father Mirth recently. Certainly since my Christmas confession on account of me being honest. He was telling me about his sermons on Sundays and I let it be known that I found them sleep-inducing. I got caught in a trap, you see. Had I said I liked his sermons very much I would be telling a lie - and in a confessional too! Had I told him the truth, which I did, this led to him avoiding me and me avoiding him ever since.

And another thing ... I had confessed that when the washing machine broke down, and I forgot to ring the man to come and fix it, I then put my socks and other clothing in the dishwasher instead. I mean ... it is all water and soap is it not? My wife did not see it this way and got very upset. We had a row. Why can't women be more reasonable? To make things worse Father Mirth sided with my wife when I confessed and said I should apologise to her, and as a penance I had to buy her something nice.

And now there he was. In a department store only a few feet away from me. How could I avoid him without making it appear too obvious that I was avoiding him?

I tried to get out the store, but the exit was right where he was standing. So I quickly picked up a hat from a shelf, put it low on my head. And stood very still pretending to be a store mannequin. That way, hopefully, he would pass by and not notice me.

That didn't happen, did it? He walked towards me and said, "Hello there. That hat suits you and matches your bow tie perfectly!"

I smiled and mumbled confessing, "I was joking ... I thought you'd think I am a mannequin!"

"They don't make mannequins as ugly as you!" was his quick reply.

See what I mean? He is totally miserable and has a way of showing it.

And for the record, I am not ugly at all. Someone once described me as a sex symbol for women who do not care.

Strangers in the night

Something very strange has been happening round our neighbourhood recently. It is most disconcerting and it has baffled both the local population and the police.

There has been a spate of window robbing in clear daylight. And night-light. The robbers have been so quick that no one has seen them and they cannot therefore be identified.

One moment you have a window in your house, and the next someone has stolen it.

The way it happens, apparently, because no one saw it happen; is that the robbers arrive quickly on your premises and whilst you're not looking they brick up your window. They are super fast; or so it seems. They get a load of bricks and cement and they quickly brick up your window blocking all light, and indeed your vision to the outside world.

That's how they have never been identified. One moment you have a window in your house, and the next, you haven't. Sometimes they rob or block more than one window without you noticing. So far they have not stolen any doors, or chimneys.

The Neighbourhood Watch people asked us all to be on the look-out; but this is very difficult if you have no window to look out of.

I sat at my window watching the three houses opposite in case anyone comes along and tries to steal, or brick up, their windows. I must have dozed off a little, because one moment I was watching the three houses and the next my own window was blocked. I was staring at a brick wall.

It was terrible. I switched on the TV and the screen was totally blocked too. All I could see on the screen was a load of bricks filling the whole screen.

A voice from the TV said "You are watching the 6 o'clock news!"

How did she know? Could she see me through the bricks? Or was it her who bricked the TV screen? Maybe she is the window robber having moved on to something else to steal.

I am typing this Blog post very quickly in case this news reporter woman decides to steal computer monitors too and then all I can see is brick ... brick ... brick ... brick ... brick ... brick ... brick ...

Statistics and Grammar

I find it irritating how we tend to glorify ignorance on TV. Frequently, on British TV, we see so called comedians pretending, or possibly not, that they do not know maths, or even their native English grammar. And everybody laughs.

What example is that setting the younger generation who believe that education is not important, especially maths. Or expressing themselves in text speak on modern gadgets.

Mathematics is important to life. Especially statistics.

How else are people to know how many "friends" they have on social media and what percentage of these friends are personally known to them compared to those who have just clicked the friends icon on the website?

I like statistics. I use them to check how many readers I have on this blog and my other website. And how many readers are new or returning loyal readers like you just now. Thank you, by the way. I am very grateful.

Statistics can teach us a lot in life.

Did you know for example that 9 out of 5 people cannot do fractions?

And that one out of seven dwarfs is Grumpy?

Or that six out of seven dwarfs are not Happy?

Or that 50% of people do not understand percentages - that's almost half.

Or there is a 90% probability my wife would get angry if I put a red item in the washing machine - that's a 50/50 chance I guess, so let's try it and see!

You see ... statistics is or are important.

And so is grammar.

I remember when one day my English teacher said to me "Your grammar stinks!"

I was upset since my grandma always smelled of lavender.

I told my father what the teacher had said and he asked "Which grand-mother?"

He wrote a letter of complaint.

My teacher replied that she had never commented on, nor would she ever presume to comment on, my family's body odour!

On reading her letter my father gave me a clip round the ears and then wrote again to the teacher apologising for the misunderstanding.

On reading my father's letter the teacher gave me detention after school.

On the Saturday I went to Confession. Our church had an old fashioned confessional which was a wooden booth where the priest sat and the penitents would kneel on either side and confess through a small window.

I told the priest all that had happened. He said "Don't speak so loud I can smell your grandmother kneeling on my other side!" Although he did not specify which grandma he could smell.

Then he gave me an extra penance for speaking loudly and for drawing attention to old peoples' body odour. Which technically I had not done because it was not me who started all this; it was my English teacher who said "Your grammar stinks!"

I think the church got this whole question of confession and absolution wrong somehow. I got a penance for my teacher's sin!

Moral: So did Jesus.

 

Even more letters

Whilst tidying up I found even more letters from times gone by. Why I kept these I do not know. They are not signed by me but signed by a friend named Ivor Penn.

Let me explain.

Ivor was a car mechanic and good at his job. But he was not very talented at writing letters. He also had a devoted wife who doted on their two young children, Mary and Joseph. If ever anything went wrong at school she pestered her husband to write to the headmaster. And Ivor came to me to write the letters which he would sign and send. I kept copies in my files for future reference.

One day the headmaster wrote to the Penn's about their daughter Mary. He said that she had been lying in class and that she said that she had a lamb. The teacher did not believe this is possible in a modern lifestyle and asked the headmaster to complain to the parents about their daughter lying.

I replied, (Ivor signed), as follows:

Dear Headmaster,

My daughter Mary does not lie because my wife and I taught her not to. In fact I have never ever lied in my life. Mary is correct in saying that she had a lamb. In fact she has two.

One is a lamb called Cutlet which resides at the local zoo and we sponsored it on her behalf. This is to teach her to care for all animals and to ensure that they come to no harm. It is through the love of animals that young children grow up to love and respect life and to be kind to everyone.

The second lamb Mary has is like in the famous poem. It's fleece was white as snow, and everywhere our Mary goes the lamb is sure to go. He even follows her to school every day between two slices of bread!

Needless to say, the headmaster did not respond.

The second letter is also from the same headmaster and it is about the Penn's son, Joseph.

Apparently the religious instructions teacher, having read from the Bible, asked, "who broke down the wall of Jericho?"

Little Joseph replied, "It was not me, Miss!"

The teacher was so appalled at the level of ignorance that she reported the incident to the Headmaster and he in turn wrote to the Penn's.

I replied, (for Ivor to sign), as follows:

Dear Headmaster,

Here I am writing to you again about the accusation of my children lying. I repeat, they do not lie, as neither do I nor my wonderful wife Mrs Penn.

If Joseph said that he did not break down the wall of Jericho then I can vouch that he is telling the truth. May I ask if there were any witnesses to the accusation against my son?

In any case, no doubt the wall was very old and in need of reparation, as is most of the school. May I suggest that repairs are carried out and that we start a fund amongst parents to pay for said repairs? I would be willing to donate £10 without prejudice or admittance of guilt on my son's behalf.

Surprisingly, the headmaster did reply to this letter.

He said that a fund had been started and £95 already collected. However, they could not locate the wall of Jericho to carry out the repairs. He also confided that the religious instructions teacher had suddenly resigned.

On another occasion the headmaster wrote to Ivor complaining that his daughter, Mary, had said that her father ate her homework. To be honest, this was true. Mary's housekeeping homework was to bake a cake at home under the supervision of her mom. She baked a small cake before going to bed. Later that evening Ivor got home from work and ate the cake with a cup of tea.

I had to write a letter for Ivor to sign confessing that he had done the bad deed and promising not to eat the Maths or Geography homework as they would give him indigestion.

The headmaster did not reply. No sense of humour some teachers!