Getting Old

 

Getting old takes courage. It isn't for everyone. Only brave people get old. Getting old is not for wimps who whine and whimper at anything that goes wrong in life. 

Like crying over a paper cut ... "boohooo ... I have cut my finger on the edge of the paper!" 

Grow up you wimp or you'll never get old.

Getting old has many advantages too.

For a start, you can afford not to care about certain things. Always in the news they have stories about rising temperatures, ice caps melting, things happening around the world, political differences and so on ... and you wonder ... is worrying about all this going to make me any younger? 

The chances are that many things predicted will not happen anyway. 

I remember reading years ago that we will have robots everywhere and they will be able to do all our house chores like cleaning, washing, cooking and taking out the trash and so on. 

Did not happen. All I have now is the TV remote control and when I point it at the wife she does not stop talking or lower her voice. So much for technology.

Another advantage of growing old is that you can dress as you want. 

Men can wear their trousers pulled up all the way to their nipples and have them held up by braces and a wide belt pulled tightly round the chest. Together with a white chequered shirt and brown woollen pullover, both tucked in inside the trousers, and covered by a tweed jacket, and you're good to go as the modern old age style. You'll be a sex symbol for women who don't care.

Women too can wear what they want at a certain age. I will not go into details in case someone I know reads this article and ... well, I'd better not go on any further.

Old people tend to be very smart you know. One trick is to pretend not to understand modern technology and new inventions. By pretending ignorance, more often than not, someone will fix the thing for you.

An old friend I know, in order to prove that he is "with it" he buys new gadgets even though he does not know how to use them. Like cell-phones for instance. Every time his cell-phone rings he presses the wrong button and takes a photo of his ear. 

He bought a new sound-activated bedside lamp. Whenever he wakes up in the night all he has to do is tap his hands once or twice and the light comes on. He told me the other day that when he breaks wind whilst asleep the lights come on as if to reprimand him.

Women, as they grow older, can of course be elegant and demure and full of wisdom. 

I visit an elderly lady every now and then to see if she is OK. It was raining heavily on my last visit. I asked her if she wanted anything from the supermarket. As it happened, there were quite a few items that she needed that day. So I gave her my list so that she can shop for the both of us. No point me going out and getting wet as well, is there?

She said the other day that nostalgia isn't as it used to be. Back in the day nostalgia was thinking about the good older days when she was young and life was great. Today nostalgia is remembering the last model of cell-phone or tablet you had.

Getting old also allows you the opportunity to act a little disgracefully and get away with it ... if you act smart that is.

For example when you're on the bus and have eaten an orange or banana or a chocolate bar and you don't know where to put the peelings/skin/wrapper; just casually drop it in the woman's bag sitting next to you. Chances are you'll never get caught. But if you do, just tell her you thought it was your own bag.

And another thing ... getting old allows you to be a little adventurous. You can send the dog's urine instead of yours to the hospital for testing. That should confuse the doctors!

Getting old is the time to laugh at life and all it throws at you. Have fun, do what you want ... within limits. And have that extra scoop of ice cream or glass of your favourite drink if you want to. 

So there you have it. As you grow older take back control. Don't let society pigeon hole you into their categories just to satisfy their statistics and calculations.

Wear your underpants on your head as a sign of protest. That should certainly get you noticed. It certainly works for me. I've been followed everywhere for the past week by two men in white coats and big butterfly nets.