Wrong Decisions

 

Do you ever make the wrong decision and regret is afterwards. Happens to me often. I decided to improve myself so I went to the local college to enrol on an evening course; one evening a week. I had a choice of Emergency First Aid or Cookery. All the other courses were fully booked. 

I enrolled on the cookery classes to impress the family like those TV cooks do. A few weeks in the course, as I was leaving, a young lady walking ahead of me broke the heel of her shoe. The heel just came off. Her leg twisted and she fell to the ground in pain. She started crying. I approached her and got down to the ground beside her. I did not know what to do. I offered to cook her an omelette. She said something rude I'd rather not repeat here.

If only I had taken the First Aid course I could have given her mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

There was this old lady standing at the bus stop hopping from foot to foot and watching up the road. It was obvious she wanted to cross the street but was too scared of the heavy traffic. Being the gentleman, I held her by the arm and said, "let's cross together madam!"

I walked her across the road. She was generally reluctant and kept looking back. She was obviously scared but I encouraged her along. When we got to the other side she hit me on the head with her umbrella. 

"You made me miss my bus, you idiot!" she said, "I was in a hurry to get home to go to the toilet. If I pee myself again it will be your fault!"

I gave up the cookery course. No one appreciated my food except the dog. I took up a Health and Safety course instead. The instructor was a young engineer. The first day of the course he had his arm in bandages. He lectured us on the dangers of falling off a ladder. He said that when working at heights you must always have someone hold the ladder for you in case it slips. He explained, "Don't do like me. When holding the ladder for someone, if he happens to fall, move away quickly in case he falls on you!"

I gave up that course too. There was another place available in the Self-Defence course. They advised me it would be useful in case I am attacked or mugged in the street on a dark night. Good idea, I thought. It is always dark at night where we live.

They taught us karate. Breaking planks of wood and bricks with a chopping motion of your hand. It hurt a bit but was effective. I got good at it.

One night I was attacked by a mugger. He took me by surprise. He hit me from behind and as I dropped to the ground he hit me again and again and took my wallet. As I lay there on the ground I saw a brick. I broke it with one chopping motion.

I complained to the college. They moved me to carpentry class. A few days later I was mugged by another thug on my way home. I offered to build him some shelves and he let me go. 

I always wanted to learn to play the guitar. I enrolled on that course too. By this time the college was getting a little fed up of me changing courses so often; but they obliged especially when some people had left their courses creating vacancies.

The instructor taught me how to use the plectrum. It’s a small triangular bit of plastic used to pluck the strings of the guitar. It’s easy to use, according to my instructor. Hold the plectrum with your fingers and pluck the strings one at a time. He showed me how to use it and then asked me to try.

I wish I didn’t … and so did he. I plucked the string so hard that the small piece of plastic flew out of my hand and hit the instructor in the eye. What he said next could not be put into music no matter what instrument you use. It was a string of unrepeatable words, none rhyming nor musically melodic, and hardly likely to be ever used in any lyrics I can think of.

Whether I liked it or not, the college moved me to Art Classes. Painting, drawing, pottery ... that sort of thing.

The first lesson I attended we had to paint a nude. I did not know what to do. Should I go or should I stay? The instructor sat us round in a semi-circle whilst the model got ready behind a screen. When he removed the screen ... ... I recognised the naked lady as someone from work!!!