Stupid animals

 

They say that one thing that distinguish us from animals is that we have opposable thumbs. Opposable thumbs means that our thumb can bend and touch all the other fingers. So we can hold things, small things, we can eat with one hand, and we can do many things animals cannot. There are of course many animals with opposable thumbs, but they cannot touch all their other fingers with their thumbs.

Try picking up a single grain of rice, or lentil, or a KFC leg with your thumb and index finger and tell your dog, "See ... I can do this and you cannot!"

Actually, I think many animals are just not smart, regardless of whether they have opposable thumbs or not. Try teaching your dog to say "Pretty Polly!" You'd be wasting your time. And you don't need any thumbs to say "Pretty Polly!"

When I point to his bed and tell my dog, "Go to bed!" he looks at my finger instead of his sleeping-couch. That is stupid.

He is so stupid he lost three out of five games of chess against me. He can never remember that the bishop moves sideways on the board. That's dumb.

Try teaching a cat to fetch a ball when you throw it in the park. Another waste of time. When I take it off its lead it just runs away. 

We've had our cat since it was a small kitten. It is black, and now rather big. He's as big as a large dog like an Alsatian at least. He eats about two kilos of meat a day and sits there growling.

I took it for a walk once and it climbed up a tree dragging me behind him holding on to his lead. It was a pine type tree and I got cut up and bruised with all the needles and sharp branches. That's a stupid cat indeed.

Some people think that speaking to animals gently and quietly will help teach them. Believe me, it does not seem to work. They are too dumb to understand. 

A friend of mine wanted to prove that animals are really smart and can understand humans. He says, or claims, he was a horse whisperer. He believed he could calm a horse by approaching it slowly and quietly speak to it. He also wanted to be a lion whisperer. An ambition he achieved just a few minutes before his tragic death.

Some animals provide us with food. I've already mentioned KFC. Once at a restaurant I had an elephant steak. It has a taste you'll never forget. 

As a side dish I also had rhinoceros cutlets. When I got out of the restaurant I started head-butting Jeeps and charging at people.

I used to be an amateur dramatic actor. A member of a small troupe who performed locally in various venues.

Being a perfectionist, I liked to dress in full costume beforehand and rehearse my lines in front of a full length mirror.

On one occasion I played the part of one of the mice that turn into horses in the Cinderella story.

So I took my costume home and put it on; then I stood there in front of the mirror looking like a giant mouse.

The cat came in and AHHH!!!! He was totally frightened out of his nine lives. 

He thought one of the many mice he has been chasing in the past had come back for revenge. He climbed madly on top of the wardrobe and would not come down … shaking to death he was.

The dog usually half-asleep in front of the TV woke up suddenly upon hearing the cat’s commotion.

He looked at me and decided there’s no way he’d let a giant mouse usurp his territory. He started growling … I tried to calm him down … but he pounced toppling me onto the ground and biting me in several unmentionable places.

Animals are dumb ... opposable thumbs or not.