As I Quote Myself

 

 

We entered the house and were met by a young-ish woman named Elvira; she was in her mid-thirties I would guess.

She took us to our rooms upstairs and suggested that "dinner" was at seven o'clock prompt.

As Elvira left I noticed that the door had no lock, and the room was rather cold and damp, but at least it had hot and cold running cockroaches.

I killed one of them on the wall by my bed and pretty soon there were dozen others attending the funeral.

I pulled the bed away from the wall and the cockroaches pulled it back to hide their habitat.

*******

I went to my room, got in bed to keep warm as best I could, and started reading the many reports I'd been given by Branch Office about their sales and profits projections.

After an hour or so there was a knock at the door and Elvira came in wearing a very revealing see-through white negligent. (Is that what they call it?)

I did not know where to look ... well, I did really, because she was speaking to me at the time. And it is not polite to look elsewhere when someone is speaking to you.

"Do you want some time?" she asked with a smile.

I must have misheard her, (or was it my subconscious), because I looked at my watch and said, "It is a quarter to ten!"

She moved forward a couple more steps teasingly and asked again, "Do you want something to keep you warm?"

"Yes please," I replied, "I'd like a hot chocolate drink if I may."

"You don't understand," she continued patiently as she sat on the bed, "You have not left your shoes outside the door, which means you require personal services ..."

At last the penny dropped in a young man's befuddled mind. So that's why she was wearing nothing else but the revealing see-through negligent despite the freezing cold! I thought she was just hot-blooded.

"My shoes," I mumbled "I'll ... I'll ... I'll put them out later ... I must have forgotten ..."

"So I went to all this trouble for nothing?" she growled as she stood up, "do you think your friend forgot to put his shoes out too?"

"I don't know ... better ask him ..." I mumbled again as she left.

Needless to say, I stayed up all night fearful in case anyone took my shoes!!!

*******

AS I QUOTE MYSELF is not a biography of a famous celebrity, or other well-known personality telling you how they made it good from extreme poverty to being as successful as they are today. Instead, these are the memoirs of someone you’ve probably never heard of, (unless you’re related to him), but yet with a story to tell.

Follow his misadventures and mishaps as he stumbles through life from one crazy story to another. Imagine him sitting on a rocking chair, a mug of hot chocolate in one hand and a biscuit in the other, relating what he can still remember in a haphazard and non-chronological order. Just like any other conversation really.

One thought triggers another and each competing for a modicum of veracity and a pinch of authenticity. A series of calamities and misfortunes with humourous outcomes which are sure to make you smile, if not laugh out loud. At least that’s what he hopes!

AS I QUOTE MYSELF are the memoirs of no one in particular except the one from whose memories they originate. Enjoy. 

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