Love Letters

 

I don't know if you ever sent love letters. And whether, if you did, did you keep copies of the letters you sent to your sweetheart? Did you have access to a photocopier or printer, or did you use carbon paper which people used years ago to make copies of letters and documents?

Anyway, years ago I kept carbon paper copies of the hand-written letters I sent to my various girl-friends. I'd forgotten about them, but I found them in an old shoebox the other day when I was looking for a box big enough to bury our hamster in. As it happens, he was not dead. By the time I put him in the box he opened his eyes and twitched. Apparently he was a little lethargic because he saw an episode of Downton Abbey on TV. Anyway, he was now better and saved from a premature burial.

Back to the letters. They were a bit faded but you could still read some of the words faintly. Here are a few of them.

This letter was written to Helena to tell her that I wanted to break up our relationship.

Dear Helena,

This is the most difficult letter I have had to write. So let me make it easy and let you work out what I want to say.

Bye.

Vic M

This letter is to Erica. For some unknown reason she broke up with me.

Dear Erica,

I cannot understand why you have stopped contacting me and do not answer my phone calls. I have said a million times that I am sorry to have dropped the anvil on your foot. I was practicing at being the strongest man and could hold it no longer when you tickled me.

I am heartbroken at our breakup; although I would guess you are toe-broken as a result. 

I hope your toe gets better soon. Does it hurt?

Vic M

She never answered that letter and I did not see her again. She emigrated to Australia soon afterwards.

This letter was written to Marjorie. 

Dearest Marjorie,

I am so saddened and in despair at the lack of seeing you and being with you. I write once more whilst on my bended knees to ask for your forgiveness. 

I am so so sorry that whilst massaging your dog my wristwatch got caught in his hair and he jolted and bit your nose. How was I to know he'd be so frisky. And to be fair, you were holding him rather close to your face at the time. So in my estimation, the blame should be shared equally between us for the unfortunate accident which led to you going to hospital to have some stitches in your nose. I hope it heals up soon and your nose would be as beautiful and as kissable as ever it was. Do not believe the doctor about the scars that will be there as a result. What do doctors know anyway?

I am sorry too about the various injections you had in your bottom at the hospital to prevent any possible infections. Life is full of surprises. We never know when we'll be showing our backside to complete strangers.

How was I to know you would get an adverse reaction to the injection? You can hardly hold me responsible for that.

Oh ... and about the door ... I did not know you were standing behind the door when I opened it. So fortunate we were at the hospital at the time and you got treated in the Emergency Room. Hope your eye is better soon.

Despite the pain we have shared together, and my broken wristwatch strap, I sincerely hope we can get back together again.

How is Fifi your dog?

Love and kisses,

Vic M

She did not reply to the letter although we had several correspondences from her lawyers. 

I also had a girl-friend called Michelle. She was French. This is what I wrote.

Mon petit choux Michelle.

You are so beautiful Michelle ma belle. These are words that go together well. I love you I love you I love you.  

Michelle ma belle. Sont des mots qui vont tres bien ensemble. Tres bien ensemble.

I would like to serenade you like Maurice Chevalier, like Charles Aznavour, like Sacha Distel ... like Edith Piaf. These words by The Beatles were written for you, ma belle.

I am so very sorry that when we were in lovely Paris together I accidentally tripped you up and you fell in the river. I am also sorry that I did not jump in to help you out because the water was too cold.

You must have thought I was insane at the time; although strictly speaking it was you who was in Seine at the time.

I'm also sorry at this puny joke I made as Claude jumped in and got you out of the water.

How is Claude these days? I hope you two are happy together. I shall always miss you.

Adieu.

Victor.

Claude was a passer-by who jumped in the river and got Michelle out. They are now married and have three children.