Let Us Cheer Up

I was in a bar last night when the bartender said to me, “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another one?”

I said, “Why would I want two empty glasses?”

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I just read a list of “100 Things to Do Before You Die”. I was quite surprised that “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.

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A man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the doctor.

"No," shouts the man, "this is her husband."  

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My dad used to say, "always fight fire with fire!"

 

This is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

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I told my new girlfriend that I want to be a millionaire like my Dad. Her eyes lit up and excitedly said, “Wow, your Dad’s a millionaire?”

I said, “No, but he wants to be.”

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My buddy asked if he could crash on my couch tonight.

I had to explain to him that I was married now and that’s where I sleep.

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I read an article earlier that said it actually takes three sheep to make one sweater. I didn’t even know they could knit!

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I’ve just applied for a job in a salad packing factory.

The hours are terrible, but the celery is good. 

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A man goes to the doctor and said, "Every time I walk my bottom whistles!"

The doctor does not believe him and he asks him to walk up and down the room. The man walks backwards and forwards, and sure enough, with every step he takes his bottom whistles, "Fuit ... Fuit ... Fuit ..."

 

The doctor is astounded and says he needs to take a recording of this. He asks the man to walk again and he records his whistling bottom.

 

(You'll like the punchline ... I can't wait to hear it myself ... that's why I'm typing so fast ...)

 

Anyway, the doctor takes the tape recording to a consultant expert doctor specialising in unusual bodily functions.

 

He plays the tape and asks him what he thinks of it.

 

The consultant says, "It's some silly ass whistling!"

I had my potential spotted. The doctor gave me an ointment for it.

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I went out with a lady contortionist. She turned the other cheek.

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Are you dyslectic? If so, put a bick in this tox.

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FATHER FRANCIS MAPLE WEBSITE