Musing on my musings ... amusing.

 

I was sitting in the sunshine in the garden thinking. The cat passed by. I told him to go away, "this is a monologue, not a catalogue," I said. 

He ignored me and climbed up a tree and over the fence into another garden. 

I was reading a book about ancient or family traditions and I thought. It is a tradition amongst some people that a right to passage when a child becomes a man is when the father takes his son for a drink in the pub. This reminded me of years ago I took my son out for his first pint.

Got him a Budweiser ….. he didn’t like it – I had it.

Then I got him Miller Lite ... he didn’t like it either so I had it.

It was the same with Guinness and other local beers. By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the pram home.

(I can imagine the e-mails reprimanding me about this. It did not happen, folks. It's only a joke. Besides, he was 21 at the time and too big to fit in the pram!)

I was 21 too when my father gave me parental advice to teach me to be a man. He said, "always take everything with a pinch of salt". He was a good man, but he made an awful cup of tea.

He then added, "remember son," he said as he chewed on a pipe made of licorice, "It is not what you know, it is who you know in order to get along and be successful in life. And you're lacking in both. In this world, there are two words that will open many doors for you however - PULL and PUSH."

He finished his pipe and started chewing bubble gum and said, "And another thing ... never ever take advice from anyone!"

So I ignored him.

I don't know why, but this reminded me of another incident many years later. It was in March and my wife told me that in nine months time I'll have a little surprise! I was so disappointed by Christmas that it was not another train set.

Life can be disappointing at times. You try your best and things don't turn out right. The other day I was walking along the street when I slipped in some dog poo. I stood there by a lamp post cleaning myself up when this big guy comes along and slips in the same poo. I said to him, "I've just done that!" He hit me in the face.

Moments later as I nursed a bleeding nose a policeman passed by and I told him what happened. He took my name and then said, "I recognise this name ..." he searched his notes and continued, "I have a note here that your dog has been reported to have chased someone on a bicycle!"  

I replied, "I don't think so ... my dog does not have a bike!"

He warned me not to let it happen again; which it won't since we don't own a bicycle anyway.

Did I ever tell you that I was mugged in London years ago? It was at night as I was getting home from the pub. A youngster stopped me and pointed a plastic knife at me, "Your money or your life!" he threatened.

It took me a while to make a decision because I did not have my wife with me at the time.

He hissed angrily, "Give me your money or you're geography!"

I replied, "Don't you mean history?"

He said, "Don't change the subject!" 

On another subject, I read in the papers that there was a faith healer in town. Apparently, he is the worst faith healer ever. He was so bad that a guy in a wheelchair got up and walked out!